My life feels as if it has rather been on . . . → Read More: Dragging myself out of the rut]]>

I guess the good news is that I have realised that I am in an rut – it’s taken long enough for that to happen but the reality is that I am firmly stuck in here and I need to get myself out.

My life feels as if it has rather been on hold since last summer -  I had always thought that by now, nearly a year since we conceived that baby, that I would be pregnant again and having that thought lurking in the back of my mind has been like a brake on the rest of my life.

I cannot sit around letting month after month go by and let things that are not happening drive everything else in my life or rather not drive them and let them just muddle on.

I’ve never been terribly good without a life plan and my life doesn’t have a plan – there are things I would and should change and I’ve held off taking any action just in case.

Well here we are a year later and just in case never happened and I do probably have to face up to it not happening.

But where to start?

How can I drag myself out of this rut?

I have decided to leap in and on with my training to be a breastfeeding counsellor – I got flying colours in my 1st module and I love the intellectual stimulation of learning new things. I’m hoping that by the time I qualify in two years either I will have made different choices about work or the systems will be in place to let me work as a counsellor – if not I’m going to save up to repay the cost of my training and I’ll find other ways to use the skills. I’ve doubted my ability to do this and yet I know this is something that I can do, that I can make a difference with and I just need to leap in and do it. Although perhaps not open up the next module again at work – the detailed cross section of a breast did raise an eyebrow or two!

I need to face up to the fact that this job really hasn’t worked out quite how I had hoped. Yes on the plus side I do actually have a job, and in my business that was a compelling reason to move here and to stay here, BUT the way my boss and I work is so different that I spend my whole time feeling bent out of shape and I don’t feel that my skills and experience are recognised. It isn’t the flexible, family friendly, female friendly place they led me to believe and I can’t see my career doing much here. I need to find out what else is out there and what else I can do – I want to work, I like my job but there must be other places I can do this and perhaps even new avenues to look at.

I need to declutter and start getting rid of things I am hoarding just in case. We don’t need the piles of books on the top of the bookcase, we need the space and less places for dust to collect. If I can clear off the upstairs landing I can get my reading corner back and hopefully spend some more evenings watching the sun set over the fields. That makes me happy and I need to do things that make me happy.

I have to get back into exercising. My weight has gradually increased and I’m not running as much as I did. I enjoy it, it keeps the anxiety at bay and I want to be thinner before the summer holidays. Time to brush off my trainers and to work out how to shoehorn the time out of my day. Perhaps I have to face up to getting up earlier – how do other people do it?

And on the baby front I’m going to try and be more proactive. I’ve booked to go back and have some acupuncture – it helped get me and keep me pregnant with the other two and perhaps it will help this time. I’ve been and had some blood tests and whilst they have come back normal it is a first step to working out what is going wrong. I’m looking into options about what next – part of me doesn’t want to go down this path but unless I do something then we will not have any answers and we could spend several more years stuck in this limbo.

But more importantly I am going to try and be kind to myself – to make time to see friends, do things that make me smile, take some time to do nothing much.

This grumpy rut-stuck me isn’t much fun for anyone to be around and it isn’t much fun being here and being me.

This needs to change.

For a short but wonderful time I was pregnant again – able to dream about how our family was going to grow, to dream about moving on from the hiatus of this last year and to count my blessings.

Sadly it didn’t last – . . . → Read More: On again, off again]]>

For a short while this week life changed.

For a short but wonderful time I was pregnant again – able to dream about how our family was going to grow, to dream about moving on from the hiatus of this last year and to count my blessings.

Sadly it didn’t last – just as I began to really hope (and had bought pregnancy vitamins) everything fell apart and the dream died.  All I have to remind me that it was real and not a figment of my imagination are some photos of pregnancy tests on my phone…

Perhaps it would have been better to not have allowed myself to hope but 18 months into this process of trying I know my cycles better than the back of my hand and know when something is different.  Sadly also to know when things are going wrong.

I know that in some ways it is a positive thing that I can get pregnant – I just really, desperately wanted to stay pregnant.

Perhaps next month but realistically probably not.

Interestingly it seems that wanting siblings to be similar isn’t something that just occurred in my childhood.

Littler started at nursery last week . . . → Read More: Why do people expect siblings to be similar?]]>

I’ve always been confused why people expect my sister and I to be similar – there are 3 years between us and both physically and emotionally we are very different people.

Interestingly it seems that wanting siblings to be similar isn’t something that just occurred in my childhood.

Littler started at nursery last week – cue lots and lots of excitement on everyone’s part and her delight that she was finally doing something appropriately big girl.

Her keyworker and the other nursery staff has expressed delight that she would be joining them and said how sweet and adorable she was. We decided it was better for everyone if we didn’t let on to them initially about the whole Machiavellian criminal mastermind that lurks behind ridiculously long eyelashes and appropriate use of please and thank you.

She pottered off into nursery last week and all was well – she was fine, typically for one of my children not being at all bothered about being left and more interested in the new slippers she had to wear there. Bigger was adorable and has spent most of the time leaving her classroom to check that Littler isn’t having more fun than she is.

But the nursery staff have commented that not only is she incredibly independent (she is, she is incredibly self contained and self sufficient – it’s lovely but does occasionally make you yearn for a child that actually needs you from time to time) but also that she is very different from her big sister.

Trouble is that I thought that was the whole point. Or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

Of course she is different. They are different.

My pregnancy with Littler was different, her arrival into the world was different and she’s been different since day 1.

I love the fact that they are not clones of each other and love watching how they interact and how their different personalities and approach to the world impact on the way they play together.

Bigger is a thinker, a worrier and likes to know how the world stands. In contrast Littler is into everything, pushes the boundaries, sticks her nose in and has no sense of self preservation or danger – she will try anything and everything and assumes that the world will do what she wants it to.

Littler needs to sleep, loves to sleep and will ask to go to bed. Bigger needs little sleep, wants to have someone warm to curl up to in bed to stave off nightmares or sleepwalking caused by an overactive imagination. Littler prefers to sleep in the dark. Bigger likes a nightlight.

Bigger’s hair has barely grown despite her being 4. Her first haircut was at 3. And took about 2 minutes. Littler has a full head of hair – manic messy hair that grows like a weed and requires regular detangling.

Bigger started out on the 25th centile and rapidly headed up towards the 98th and has stayed there or thereabouts – she is a tall girl, wearing clothes two or three years ahead of her age. Littler is smaller – on a good day she is on the 25th centile but more normally around the 10th – she is just about getting into clothes for her age group but is wearing things Bigger was wearing a full year ahead of her in age terms…

Their differences are what I adore about them.

Why do people assume that just because they look a bit alike they must be the same?

How dull would that be?

Needless to say we had our 5 year anniversay at the start of the month and there are still a few things on the to do list…  But we . . . → Read More: Before and after]]>

When we moved into our house we reckoned that it would be a 5 year project to sort it out and make it lovely.

Needless to say we had our 5 year anniversay at the start of the month and there are still a few things on the to do list…  But we are getting there, slowly.

I’m trying to step back from the endless lists and focus on the things we have done that have made a big difference.

One of the lovely things about moving out of London was having a garden and enough space for a vegetable patch – over the last 5 years I have gradually created a vegetable garden out of a patch of overgrown chaos.  The big change this year has been putting in rabbit proof fencing – it no longer feels as if I am growing vegetables just to provide healthy snacks for the local rabbit population.

This weekend not only did Mr Muddling make me a super new frame to grow peas up but he also put wood about the bottom of that rabbit proof fencing so it won’t have holes made in it when we strim the grass around it (yes, I did have to spend an hour tying the holes up before he put the boards on – talk about 2 steps forward, 1 step back).  We have herbs, asparagus, spinach, raspberries, rhubarb, carrots, peas, brocolli, cauliflower and potatoes already happily growing – just have to decide how big a glut of courgette I want to have this year!

And doesn’t it look lovely!

Especially when you compare it to the view 5 years ago…

__________________________

I hardly ever visited the doctor’s surgery before I had children. And then I became very familiar with the place as my children picked up strange viruses I’d never heard of such as Slapped Cheek and Hand, Foot . . . → Read More: The Friday Rant Club – Why is it so difficult to get a doctor’s appointment?]]>

Today Emily is guest ranting –  you can find her over at Babyrambles normally

__________________________

I hardly ever visited the doctor’s surgery before I had children. And then I became very familiar with the place as my children picked up strange viruses I’d never heard of such as Slapped Cheek and Hand, Foot and Mouth.

And I became very familiar with the booking system. The one where there’s no appointment to see a GP for three weeks. And if you want to see one sooner you have to phone at 8am on the day you want the appointment. And expect to spend an hour and a half trying to get through on the phone. When you eventually get through, you’re encouraged to see a nurse. And if there really are no available appointments you have to go and ‘sit and wait’. That’s fun with small children.

Why is it so hard to get a doctor’s appointment? It should just be something you can pick up the phone and sort out.

Earlier this week, my two year old fell ill with yet another ear infection. I spent over an hour trying to get through to the surgery on the phone. In the end I had to drag all three children to the doctor’s surgery just to book an appointment. My eldest two would normally have been at school and pre-school but illness seems to coincide with the school holidays. Persuading the children we all had to go to the doctor’s surgery was tricky and involved a lot of shouting. Once there I had to queue for five minutes to get an appointment. When I mentioned to the receptionist how long-winded this was to get an appointment her reply was, ‘yes it’s busy’.

We went home for forty minutes then all four of us had to go back to the surgery for my daughter’s appointment. And don’t get me started on the length of time you have to wait for the prescription either. You know all those little multi-coloured boxes of pills on the shelves of a pharmacy? Try keeping those away from a bored two year old. And six year olds and three year olds love running up to the automatic door repeatedly to make it open. The automatic door which is handy for wheelchair users, and less handy when your young child can be through the door and out in a busy road quicker than you can say ‘there are no doctors available today, can a nurse help instead?’

We live in an area where vast new housing estates are constantly springing up. Does anyone ever build more community facilities to support them such as new doctor’s surgeries and schools? No.

Our doctor’s surgery has too many patients on its books. It can’t cope with the numbers and the staff are jaded and couldn’t care less about how hard it is to get an appointment or how long patients have to wait. I’ve spoken to the practice manager about this before and apparently they’re ‘working on it’. I don’t think our surgery is unique, I think it’s a frustrating problem which is repeated up and down the country.

Either some serious public investment is needed or a semi-private system. I’m not pro privatising the NHS but I would actually pay twenty quid for a doctor’s appointment –  just to be able to book an emergency doctor’s appointment when I needed it and not have to wait for ages with young children. And for people who can’t afford twenty quid, well they’d be okay because those of us who can won’t be clogging up the system too. A bit like veterinary practices. I’ve often thought healthcare for animals is more efficient than healthcare for humans.

___________________________

The Friday Rant Club is a chance to get those niggles, those irritants, those things that make you want to throw a toddler-stylee tantrum off your chest before the weekend.

Go on, let it all out and if you feel like it there’s a rather nice little button over there on the right to show you that you like a bit of a rant or even better get in touch and send me a guest rant.

Actually not because the letter that came with it for Bigger explained that whilst the Ministry of Letters had had “to operate in complete secrecy on the grounds of national security” they were now able to . . . → Read More: Top secret – The Ministry of Letters]]>

Obviously I could tell you about what was inside this package.  But then I’d have to kill you…

Actually not because the letter that came with it for Bigger explained that whilst the Ministry of Letters had had “to operate in complete secrecy on the grounds of national security” they were now able to let the world know that they are responsible for all of the letters that make up all of the words in the country.

You can read about the Ministry’s work and how the team of crack letters went out on a daring mission in Operation Alphabet – it’s a lovely story and beautifully illustrated and appealed as much to me as to the girls.  It’s also looks nice and long (which the girls like when choosing a bedtime book) but actually isn’t too long (which I like in a bedtime book).

There is also a lovely interactive website where you can download bookmarks and signs (our favourite is the periscope bookmark so the letters can see out of the book) and meet the letters who will read out familiar words (go on, get B to do bottom!)

This is a sponsored post – The Ministry of Letters sent us a copy of their book. 

Only problem is that I seem to have been designated as . . . → Read More: Cheesy fish biscuits]]>

These are super simple, take 10 minutes tops to make and then about 10 minutes to cook – we’ve done them in all shapes and sizes but the girls are currently nuts for the Octonauts so we had to make fish biscuits

Only problem is that I seem to have been designated as ‘Tunip’…

Cheesy fish biscuits

100g assorted grated cheese (we have a box of ends of cheese and bits that have been grated that builds up in the fridge which is perfect for this)

50g plain flour

1tbsp baking powder

25g softened butter

Bung everything in a bowl and rub together – it will gradually form a dough, you need to get your hands in amongst – the warmth of your hands will help it all bind together

Pop the dough onto a floured surface and roll out to about 1/2 a centimetre thick – cut out shapes using cutters and transfer the biscuits to a baking tray covered in bake-o-glide or well greased.

Keep rolling and cutting and re-rolling and cutting until you’ve no dough left.  As you can see, small people are perfectly sized for the cutting and lifting part of the process.

Pop in the oven at 200 degrees C for about 10 minutes or until golden brown.  Transfer to a wire rack to cool.

Sound the Octoalert!  Fish biscuits all round!

I am trying to come up for a name for my recipes that don’t fall under the dairy free banner – have you got any great ideas?

Currently the best I can do is Muddling Makes…