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Fake it until you can make it?

return to work diary Ah the heady delights of another Monday having rolled around and the prospect of another week at work to look forward to

Another week of commuting and the realisation that you need to be at the top of your game to get a seat these days – getting slightly the wrong patch on the platform, or turning up at slightly the wrong time or not moving fast enough when the doors open means you’ll be standing.  And I appear to have lost my ability to surf the train – I’m struggling to juggle handbag, phone and clinging desperately to the back of a seat.   I fear I may have lost my commuter skills and I could be mistaken for an ordinary (and to be avoided) normal traveller

I’m getting busier at work which only serves to demonstrate quite how foggy my brain really is – I’m not sure if it is milk brain, baby brain or just tiredness but either way I feel like I am swimming through treacle

I’m reliant on lists upon lists to remember what I need to get done and still have a horrid niggling feeling that I’ve forgotten something really important (is it just me that HAS to count children every time I get in the car to make sure I’ve not left one behind?)

I’ve lost part of my work vocabulary and fret that one day my team won’t work out what I’m on about when I look at them and say ‘the thingy that we were discussing, you KNOW the THINGY’ – professional?  You bet!

But that’s the thing, I’ve plastered on my smile, I’m acting upbeat and enthused and I’m trying to make out like I’ve wanted to be anywhere more than I want to be in THIS office TODAY doing all of THIS!

Hopefully at some point I won’t be faking it and I will really want to be here.  I know that there are times when I’ve loved doing what I do and I would like to get back to that point and I’d love to get back to the place where I feel like I know what I’m doing and I’m doing it well

I guess the best news is that nobody seems to have realised that behind this façade I’m barely coherent, have the memory of an amnesic goldfish and would fall asleep in the middle of a meeting given half a chance or slightly less caffeine

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2 comments to Fake it until you can make it?

  • I think I was sprung when colleagues twigged that I was talking to them like they were toddlers. Going back to work is such a hard thing. I don’t recall thinking twice about it when I went back after my first. After my second it was vastly more difficult – something had changed: we’d gone from being a couple with a child to a family. I can see entirely why you would feel like this after your third. Hang on in there – whilst you can view it all objectively you’ve not gone bonkers!

  • I’m so glad to hear I’m not the only one who struggled. I was battling with the fact that there had been some significant changes at work as well as trying to get back into the swing of being a proper grown up with a job. Throw in the recession and life got interesting…

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