There’s a big part of me that can’t quite believe that this time has already come around – how can I be getting ready to go back to work when Littlest is still so incredibly little?
But the grim reality is that I am heading back to work and there’s nothing I can do about it – ok perhaps if I won the lottery I might be able to afford to have a few more months off but other than that I start back on a phased return from this Wednesday
The logical part of me says that having a roof over our heads, food and so on is a good reason to go for it but the emotional part of me is screaming inside that I Just Cannot Do This – I can’t leave them, I don’t want to leave them and I hate hate hate that pitying look people give me and the ‘oh well you just have to get on with it don’t you?’ comments
Because yes I do just have to get on with it but I don’t bloody want to – I want more time spent cuddling my baby and my girls, much much more time
Littlest is only 16 weeks – we have hit that massive growth spurt and he wants to be fed / cuddled all the time – if I am not here how do we do this? How can I pump enough to cover a growth spurt? How can I pump enough to provide EVERYTHING he needs – we are still weeks and weeks away from him starting on solid foods. How on earth can I pump enough to cover the evening feeding frenzy if I have to stay late for work stuff? How the blinking heck am I going to do this?
The worst thing about it is that there is a chance that having the whole ‘I’m about to head back’ thing hanging over me is going to destroy these last few weeks – the mere thought of being away all day, every day already makes me cry, goodness knows how bad it will be when I get to actually having to do it (although I’m hoping that anticipation will be worse than reality)
So with absolutely no choices, absolutely no options here we are – tick tock tick tock days sprinting away from me and an awful, overwhelming feeling of sadness that we have to go through this
I’m going to miss my babies so very very much