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Back to work blues

There’s a big part of me that can’t quite believe that this time has already come around – how can I be getting ready to go back to work when Littlest is still so incredibly little?

But the grim reality is that I am heading back to work and there’s nothing I can do about it – ok perhaps if I won the lottery I might be able to afford to have a few more months off but other than that I start back on a phased return from this Wednesday

The logical part of me says that having a roof over our heads, food and so on is a good reason to go for it but the emotional part of me is screaming inside that I Just Cannot Do This – I can’t leave them, I don’t want to leave them and I hate hate hate that pitying look people give me and the ‘oh well you just have to get on with it don’t you?’ comments

Because yes I do just have to get on with it but I don’t bloody want to – I want more time spent cuddling my baby and my girls, much much more time

Littlest is only 16 weeks – we have hit that massive growth spurt and he wants to be fed / cuddled  all the time – if I am not here how do we do this?  How can I pump enough to cover a growth spurt?  How can I pump enough to provide EVERYTHING he needs – we are still weeks and weeks away from him starting on solid foods.  How on earth can I pump enough to cover the evening feeding frenzy if I have to stay late for work stuff?  How the blinking heck am I going to do this?

The worst thing about it is that there is a chance that having the whole ‘I’m about to head back’ thing hanging over me is going to destroy these last few weeks – the mere thought of being away all day, every day already makes me cry, goodness knows how bad it will be when I get to actually having to do it (although I’m hoping that anticipation will be worse than reality)

So with absolutely no choices, absolutely no options here we are – tick tock tick tock days sprinting away from me and an awful, overwhelming feeling of sadness that we have to go through this

I’m going to miss my babies so very very much

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6 comments to Back to work blues

  • Oh, I so sympathise with you… I am on maternity leave and trying to sort out work related stuff at the moment. I am the same as you every time I’ve had to go back to work (on my third child!) hope it all works out. Thinking of you xxx

  • I really feel for you. It’s a horrible feeling. From my experience, the reality hasn’t been as bad as expected but still really tough nonetheless. I found it much harder after child 2 than child 1 so I imagine after 3 kids it must be even harder. Hope it all goes well. x

  • Oh I really feel for you too, but don’t despair, it will be OK. You will get through it and Littlest will be fine. (I often think that if I had a third now I would be more laid back because I’d know that everything is a phase and everything you worry about passes…mind you, I probably wouldn’t!) I bet for everyone that gives you pitying looks there are several that really admire you too – combining children and career is something to be applauded, after all x

  • Candace

    I was going to say something about me only having 8 weeks with the last baby and 8 weeks with the one I’ll have in the fall but honestly, I’m just so sorry. I know how badly it hurts, it hurts me still and I’ve been dropping my son off at a sitter every morning for two years now and it is still so hard. All my best!

  • A-M

    I really feel for you. My mother stayed home with the 4 of us most of the time and I always wanted to do the same at least while the children were under 3, but I know realistically it won’t happen. And it hurts. And no amount of reasoning about keeping up with the mortgage and re-roofing the house before it the whole thing blows off will make it hurt any less. I haven’t even had kids yet and the idea of it hurts.

    We’re doing our best to save so one of us can have a full year off but it’s hard and even at 12 months, they are tiny! This is one of the things I most dread about having children.

  • This breaks me to read, and like you said you hate the pitying looks & I will be far from giving you any of that. This parenting lark is so bloody difficult with its choices & situations that it chucks your way! Wish we could all have it the way we want it! x

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