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How can I be less of an emotional wreck?

It’s probably something to do with the baby, or the hormones, or the fact I’m not sleeping well, or the incredibly long list of things I’m worrying about but I appear to have got myself into a bit of an emotional hole and I’m not entirely sure how to climb out

I’m usually one of the strong people – I come from a long line of women who soldier on, keep things together and then collapse in private in a great big soggy mess before pulling themselves together and just getting on with it

Except I seem to have mislaid my ability to do that

There are some things which can reduce me to tears even when I have my full emotional armour mentally pulled on

Maternity leave is one – even the mention of the word now makes me cry. There’s nothing I can do about where we find ourselves, resenting the situation or some of the choices that have led us here but the prospect of returning to work after only a few short months is just so upsetting – yes I know when the time comes we’ll all manage and we will get through it but even the thought of leaving him so soon makes me blub

And don’t even get me started on what happens if he is later than either of the girls – in an ideal world we’d be patient and he will come when he is ready to come but two weeks overdue is an awful lot in the context of going back to work part time at 4 months and full time at 5… See there I am again tearing up

There are a handful of things that I just can’t even think about without crying – I know it isn’t healthy to keep thrusting things away from the front of my mind but if I don’t I’m not sure how I will avoid collapsing in a soggy mess

I slipped over yesterday in the rain. Gravity is not my friend these days and my centre of gravity is located somewhere a significant distance infront of my feet which doesn’t really help matters – I wasn’t even wearing silly shoes

So long story short and I ended up sliding over on a wet floor – no proper damage but bumps and a bruise on my bottom but I just couldn’t stop crying. Proper howling, pouring tears crying – the sort that scares small children and leaves you feeling totally wrung out

And that usually passes, except this hasn’t – it is almost as if all the things that were making me cry have come unblocked and now won’t go away – I started crying in the car on the way to the station this morning, discussing handover logistics with my team earlier had me trying very very hard to not well up further and so it goes

And I don’t know how to get my stoicism back, it seems to have gone away and I need to keep on going

Any ideas?

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4 comments to How can I be less of an emotional wreck?

  • oh Hannah…. I read your title and I thought “stop being pregnant and wait, ooh, about four years”, which is still true but not very helpful or sympathetic.

    I think at the moment all you can think is “this too shall pass” and focus on the wonderfulness to come. You’ll cope, of course you will, and on the days when you feel like you can’t you’ve got friends, both real and online, to help you get through.

    Not helpful, I know, but we are all thinking of you – and looking for exciting news at just the right time.

  • I thing sometimes tears are necessary to deal with things, they are a way to cope. Happened to me (nothing to do with pregnancy hormones in my case) and it was sudden, violent and lasted longer than I was happy with but it went. I went back to work with my first when she was 5 1/2 months, no it’s not easy but it wasn’t any worse than returning to work when my 2nd was 11 months. Remember you can always extend your mat leave even if you’re totally not planning on this, but just knowing this may help.

  • Oh darling, I’m so sorry. Sounds like you need a big cuddle and a rest. Lots of love. xxxx

  • I think when you’re used to powering through and holding it together (and then being the soggy mess in private) it is all the more disconcerting when that changes. Having the maternity leave issue, or falling over in a street are both enough to make anyone cry, but then there is the added dimension of “I shouldn’t be crying I wouldn’t normally cry” which makes you feel like crying even more, as though you are not really yourself at all. Your stoicism will return when things are back on a more even keel, and for now I think you are completely right that things have become unblocked, but feeling that sadness isn’t the worst thing. Thinking of you, take care x

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