In some ways this has been the longest pregnancy in the world – those endless early days when time didn’t move on at all as I waited for everything to go wrong, for the inevitable to happen
In other ways this has been the shortest pregnancy in the world – work have known about it for less than a month which means I’m still having colleagues discover the news and suddenly having to deal with a bunch of maternity admin that would probably seem less intimidating if spread over several months
What is inescapable is that in somewhere in about 3 months I appear to be having a baby
If you look at my calendar suddenly time appears to be very very short – in a month it will be half term, a month after that it will be almost December and the baby hopefully will arrive in December
Suddenly I am having to think through the implications not only of having a baby – what will this labour be like? How long will it be? Will the midwife make it in time? How will I cope on my own?
But then there are the wider implications – how will we sort out Christmas? When will we get presents to family? What on earth are we going to get everyone? When will we see family? What are we going to eat?
And then the panic about what do we need to sort for this baby – where are the baby clothes? What do we really need? Where did the bags of newborn clothes end up when I tried to remove everything baby from the house?
Underpinning it all is the worry about the future and what it will hold. I’m having to face up to the fact that we cannot afford for me to take much in the way of maternity leave – when my maternity pay dries up after a few months I will have to go back to work. I’m not yet comfortable with that – with the thought of pumping again, especially knowing that my employer doesn’t make it easy and that finding time and space will be a nightmare. I’ve not even started to think about the fact it will mean leaving a very small baby again, leaving a baby before I probably feel ready to
But with all of this I have no choice – perhaps that is the hardest part, I feel like a passenger on a train that is hurtling towards the future and there isn’t much that I can do except cling on and desperately hope it all works out ok
All the lists, all the spreadsheets trying to make money stretch further, all the planning doesn’t really mean anything – what will be, will be