I seem to have got myself in a rut where my base operating level is fury and it just escalates from there at the merest hint of provocation
I don’t know if part of it is a defence mechanism – so much easier to be angry and on the defensive than as needy and vulnerable as I really feel. I seem to spend most of the time feeling as if I want to cry (I sat and bawled my eyes out in bed last night but it doesn’t take much to start my eyes stinging and the feeling that I might just collapse into a watery mess) – angry is easier, less likely to destroy my professional façade and the myth that I am coping
But is it normal to so angry about everything?
I’m angry that I’m working so so hard and getting so little recognition for it – little recognition at work and little at home. I feel as if I am working myself into a frazzle and nobody sees the toll it is taking on me. I’m angry that simple things at home, like laundry and dinner being ready, don’t get done, that I’m expected to do those things when I get home from work and that I’m made to feel that I’m being unreasonable when I get upset that the boring home chores don’t get done, that things sit and aren’t dealt with until I get around to doing them
I’m angry that my entire life is time pressured, that I am creating an environment where everyone else has options and flexibility and can wake up in the mornings and do what they want and I don’t have those choices. I’m angry that my choices are restricted and nobody has said that they understand how this might make me feel or even considered that this might not be right for me
I’m angry at my career having stalled whilst others bound on ahead – angry that I am not a member of the boys club and therefore not one of the group that are looked after and nurtured, angry that others are taking credit for work I’ve been doing, angry that I am still the exception to the rule and that I am supposed to change who I am and how I do things rather than others adapting to me being slightly different
I’m angry that I don’t have career options any more – that I am supposed to be grateful for having any job at all and just suck it all up. That I don’t have any chance to explore other options which might be a bit more risky because we need me to keep on earning and providing security
I’m angry that school seems to be blissfully unaware of the wider economic situation – surely we aren’t alone that we’ve decided to prioritise education over other things and that we don’t have masses of money to cover endless requests for charity donations and eye-wateringly expensive events? I’m angry that I’m going to have to say I’ve mixed up our diary to avoid going to an evening that will end up costing hundreds of pounds when surely putting on something that expensive is just conspicuous consumption and we can’t be the only people in this boat?
I’m angry that so many friends are announcing pregnancies (it is that time of year after all when there is a tidal wave of announcements) and that we won’t ever be doing that again – that it appears to be over, that there might be options if I wasn’t so stressed, over worked and if we went back through all the medical shenanigans again but those routes are now closed and I need to move on. I’m angry that I’m being forced to move on when I just don’t want to
I’m angry that my train service is rubbish – that I haven’t had a seat on many journeys lately. I’m angry that little delays here and there end up creating endless stress and nobody seems to accept that sorry doesn’t really do much to help with that. I’m angry about selfish commuters and being elbowed out of the way for the last seat
I’m angry that I’m still having to de-ice the car to get to work whilst our garage remains full of building things because sorting it out is far down the list of jobs and me not getting any more chilblains from chipping away at ice isn’t a priority
I’m angry that the house appears to be falling down around our ears – the inside of a chimney has fallen down, the windows are rotting away and it feels like we are right back at it becoming a money pit again. Surely after all we’ve done to it over the last 6 years it could at least make an effort
I’m angry about the politicians and the fact that the economy is getting worse not better and there is no end in sight – I’m angry that those at the top of the tree are merrily carrying on as usual whilst the rest of us worry about the real consequences of their policies
I’m angry and I just don’t know how to stop or even how to use this rage to change some of these things
How do I stop being like this? What can I do? What is the answer?