Today has been oh so hard – harder than I had ever thought it could be
Forgive me if I am awfully self indulgent but I need to write this down – perspective and a stiff upper lip are something I am planning on doing again tomorrow
A happy (or perhaps with hindsight unhappy) combination of an unexpected day without the girls meant I finally had no excuse to not sort through the bags of small people stuff in our loft
In a start-it-in-a-way-that-forces-you-to-finish I went up to the loft (yes the broken toe was feeling a bit better then) and chucked bag after bag of all thing baby, pregnancy and small person related down onto our bed – if I was going to do this thing I was going to do it all in one all encompassing, leave nothing behind slash and burn way. Put it this way, the loft area is looking much much better now – just a few Christmas decorations, some bits of Mr M’s sailing kit and the computer boxes
Strangely the bag of maternity clothes was easy to sort – everything must go!
I found some horrible cushions that will go out in the wendy house and make the girls very happy
And then I had to start opening the bags of things for small people – each labelled by age ’0-3 months, ’3-6 months’, 6-9 months’ and on it went
I wanted to be strong and ok with doing this – I wanted the logical part of my brain to kick and take over and focus on the fact we need the space, these things need a life out there in the world making other families happy and that I need to move on
Unfortunately I was ambushed by the part of me that hasn’t accepted that This Is It – that I need to let go of my hopes, my dreams and those shadows that haunt me at times like this
I spent hours sat on our bed today sorting through bag after bag of memories tears streaming down my face that I just couldn’t stop – I wanted them to stop, I wanted to feel that this was the rational, the sensible, the right thing to do but sorting through every small outfit that our daughters have worn and that I had hoped another baby would wear somehow has unleashed a torrent of tears
I sat there crying, cuddling onto the tiny things our girls wore and that those babies we had hoped would join us will never wear and I felt as if my heart was breaking into pieces
Poor Mr M came upstairs part way through and discovered me surrounded by bits of memory, red eyed, snotty nosed and all over the place – bless him he came and held me as I cried
I have let myself keep some special things – I sort of feel as if I am cheating, especially since the bag of things I just can’t quite get rid of is so big – I’ve rationalised it as being things I’ll hope to make into a quilt or something one day and some things I hope that one day I’ll have grandchildren to pass them onto. A part of me knows that really I need to go through that big bag and make it a smaller, more sensible one but not just yet
So here we are – that’s it – time to move on
I have bags lined up in the living room to sort, to work out where to send the beautiful little things in them – work for another day when I feel less like I’ve been through the wringer
A teeny tiny part of me hopes that this clear out will work some magic and I will miraculously end up pregnant and stay pregnant – another part of me knows that this is long overdue and something I should have done long before to give me some space and the chance to move on
But today, tonight all I know is that it hurts
Horribly
aww Hannah, thinking of you. It’s hard to call time on a period of your life and move on xxx
I guess part of the problem is that really I don’t want to call time and shut the door but it does need to be done
*hugs*
Thanks xxx
ive yet to do this, but we have reached the point where we need the room and having a large 3 wheeled buggy under the stairs could be making us a bit of cash. i have 2 boys and held on to their tiny outfits but i cant have more kids. well i could but i had so many health problems it would be stupid to put my body thru it again and ive started a degree and career planning now theyre both heading into school. i imagine ill cry too, i guess its like mourning something i never had or will have. hope u feel better tomoro.
Mourning is exactly what it is – be kind to yourself when you do it (and make sure you enjoy some of the proceeds when you sell things)
Hugs too, and hoping tomorrow is a brighter day.
It was… time is a wonderful thing
Oh, this is exactly what I did. It was hard enough saying goodbye to the baby things, and we hadn’t been trying for number three. Take care x
Thank you Sandy
Oh, I am so sorry you are feeling like this, it must be so hard. Going through baby stuff is difficult at the best of times. x
I had honestly not realised how hard it would be – mostly done now and do feel better for having got it out of the way
Sending big fat kisses xxxx
Thank you xxx
Hugs and a secret fingers crossed that some magic comes your way x
Thank you – secretly hoping myself but trying to be realistic too… we shall see
I found it absolutely heart wrenching getting rid of stuff earlier this year – I thought I could be all rational about and I just couldn’t.
It defies reason but has helped – selling things on ebay has made a nice pot of money for nice things and just taking three massive bags to the charity shop freed up more than the space they were taking
((hugs))
Oh Hannah. You are so brave and strong. Sending hugs xx
Thank you – not strong, not brave but trying terribly hard to move on
Really should have another go through the massive bag I’ve kept but can’t face it yet, give me another few months
[...] All bagged up and time to move on? [...]
Big hugs. Such a hard thing to do. Hopefully it may have been some catharsis you needed and things will look brighter soon
Thank you – at the least the proceeds of selling some of the nice things on ebay is letting us have a few treats, every cloud etc etc
It’s ok to have that big bag.
Glad you have a husband who gives hugs. Virtual hugs coming your way too from here.
Thanks Iota