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Little green monster

One of the hardest parts of not having managed to have a happy ending to the Baby3 quest is the way it has changed me

I REALLY want to be unconditionally happy for friends who have got pregnant, especially those having a third baby, but I am slightly ashamed to admit that often it is awfully hard to do – it’s especially hard when couples seem to have tripped and got pregnant without having to struggle and try – I have to keep reminding myself that you can’t look inside and see what is really going on and what is shown to the world is often not the whole story

I think part of our problem is that we haven’t really been open with people about the journey we have been on – outside of this blog we haven’t really told many people about the fact we have desperately wanted another baby, the many miscarriages and the investigations that have still ended up without solving anything or even giving us much in the way of answers

Initially we were reluctant to share because of everyone’s assumption that we wouldn’t even consider another baby after the difficulties we had with Littler, add in some insensitive comments about miscarriages and advice that we shouldn’t be putting ourselves through this sort of thing and comments about moving on and enjoying our life and you find yourself in a place where it is awfully hard to talk about something when you feel that the subject is already closed, irrespective of what is actually happening and how much you may want to share

The bottom line is that I find myself struggling a little to act in a manner I would like to – that I’m feeling that multiple miscarriages don’t really matter to anyone outside of us two (after you get into double figures presumably you are expected to just buck up and get on with it, I guess) and that we’ve been a little self indulgent carrying on trying past the point where everyone thinks we should have given up – I’ve even found myself knitting numerous baby hats as a form of penance, I WILL make myself think positive thoughts about other’s pregnancies and I will knit my wishes into this small, soft token

The slow process of giving away and selling all our baby bits carries on – I’m still finding it upsetting, I’m still hoping that there is still a tiny chance and I really hope that sometime, hopefully soon, I can smile with proper heartfelt happiness when someone tells me they are expecting and we are not

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12 Comments

  1. I am not sure you every get over multiple miscarriages or the green eyes moster either. I often look wistfully at people with larger families and long for more, but I know that it can not be and I have come to terms with that. But sometimes the heart rules over the head

    Reply
    • Thank you Jen – trouble is the heart doesn’t listen to the head much does it?

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  2. :( I think it’s totally understandable how you feel. Be kind to yourself. xxx

    Reply
    • Thank you – so grateful to have this place where I can express how I feel in ways I struggle in the real world

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  3. Totally understandable but equally so very hard to vocalise. Only my closest girlfriends keep new we were trying. It was not discussed with people, I felt a failure. Even now most of my family let alone other don’t know we only had another child thanks to fertility drugs.
    I doubt it ever goes away we just get better at hiding it

    Reply
    • I think my problem has been that we have hidden it – most people don’t know about the investigations we went through last year – perhaps a warning that I need to be more open

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  4. There’s absolutely no need to beat yourself up over it. What you’re feeling is perfectly natural. My wife and I had problems at the other end of things, suffering three miscarriages and not conceiving our first child for over four years, and we both struggled to grin and bear it while our friends seemed to be popping babies out for fun. I don’t have any real advice for you other than to accept that what you’re feeling is perfectly natural. Chin up!

    Reply
    • Thanks Tim

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  5. That is so heart breaking to read. The ‘letting go’ process was never going to be easy, and you can’t help how you feel about other people’s pregnancies. You have a right to be upset after all you’ve been through. x

    Reply
    • Thank you – just hate what this has turned me into, guess I should have been more open in the past and am now reaping the consequences of not having shared as we went along

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  6. I think how you’re feeling is absolutely normal…

    A close friend had 3 perfectly healthy boys, but she desperately wanted a girl. My heart broke for her every time someone piped up with an unhelpful comment, often suggesting she should be ‘bloody grateful’…

    We want what we want, end of.

    Don’t feel guilty.

    Reply
    • Thank you – think I just have to work with it, at least I can cuddle babies now without crying which has to be progress of a sort

      Reply

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