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Struggling

ARGH I have been struggling with bloggers’ block – I know that I need to get this written, set down and thought through but I haven’t been able to find the words. I have countless abandoned attempts that haven’t quite hit the nail on the head – today I’m just going to sit and type for 10 minutes and hope that the rough gist of what I want to say finds its way out of the tangle inside my head

I am struggling at the moment

I don’t know if it is just the usual November-ness – the impact of commuting in the dark and not really getting any daylight, the impact of the weather getting colder and damper and that November feeling of misery

I don’t know if it is seeing another year coming to a close and so many things having not happened yet that I had hoped would – no pregnancy, no realistic prospect of one, no job for Mr M, no clarification on what I should do about my work

I don’t know if it is to do with things not feeling quite right on the home front – but perhaps that is a reflection on most or all of these other things

Either way I don’t feel as I should – this underlying constant unhappiness is not normal.  Normal is not sitting in your car crying at the end of a working day and waking in the middle of the night with raging anxiety

I’m trying to fight it – to exercise more, to make lots of lists and to try and think of ways to fix the things that aren’t quite right but it is hard.  All I really want to do is curl up under my duvet and come out some time in January but I don’t think that’s going to be an option

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20 comments to Struggling

  • Jem

    Hope you regain your blogging mojo & the feelings of unhappiness bugger off soon.

  • kninki

    Crying in the car and raging anxiety are not normal, no. You have had -are having – a really tough time of it, and I don’t think exercise and lists are the answer here. I may be way off the mark, but I feel that you’re trying to fix everything by yourself, but actually, I think you need other people to help you out; Mr, your employer, possibly a career counsellor, maybe even your GP. Don’t soldier on alone.

    X

    • Thanks Nikki – career counsellor is set up, have got time with friends and trying to break things off into manageable pieces

      Hoping that this is a phase and it will pass, if things are not better soon am definitely going to ask for more help

  • No, crying in your car and raging anxiety are not normal 🙁 kninki is right, I think you need to ask some people to help you out here. You can’t fix it all on your own and it’s no reflection on your or your skills. Sometimes, we just need some help. Reach out for some help, please. I’m sure it will ease some of the stress for you xx

    • I had a long chat with my best friend – things are grim everywhere but at least there are now a few of us talking regularly about how rubbish it is and we have an action plan to do things to try and mitigate the crushing grimness of it all

  • jessmonster

    Thankyou MA for your honesty and openess. I really enjoy recieving your blogs – one of the few emails i look forward to opening!! Hoping Littler and Bigger doing their bit to cheer you up.

  • Really sorry you’re going through this. I’m going to beg to differ and say crying in your car occasionally is very, very normal and sometimes quite therapeutic, although in my experience if it happens more often then every couple of nights (or when you’re not alone in the car), it’s probably time to ring some changes… Waking at night less so because sleep deprivation can only make matters worse. Regardless of whether you are all-powerful enough to fix things on your own, you really shouldn’t have to so please ask for help where you can and try to delegate a bit of the stress. Hope you get the support you need and some clear time to enjoy life again soon xxx

    • Thank you – think part of the problem was bottling everything up – writing it down and thinking about it has helped, made me see that it isn’t all insurmountable and that there are places where I can get a bit of support

  • Oh hannah, sounds like you are having a truely rotten time of it, feel free to badger my ear if you need a friend x

  • Sometimes it can just be a ‘bad day’ or a few bad days, but if it keeps happening then it could be anxiety, depression or both. I’ve suffered from these and can recommend the GP and counselling if you feel up for it. xx

  • What the others have said, basically. No, it’s not normal to sit in your car crying at the end of a day at work. And it’s not normal to wake in the night with raging anxiety. But it sounds to me like you’re having to cope with a huge amount and you’re feeling the pressure of this coping largely on your own. I hope this horrible feeling passes and things feel “right” again soon. In the meantime, know you’re not alone, you have a community of people here waiting and willing to listen. xxx

  • I’m jumping on the ‘what-she-said’ bandwagon. There comes a point when you have to realise that you cannot manage any more on your own…and you have been managing a lot. You clearly have lots of support, so it’s time to unburden yourself, a little at least. It’s the greatest thing you can do for yourself.

  • I regularly cry in my car and wake up with anxiety. it’s been a normal part of my life from about the age of 16. And I have to say that right now our lives aren’t all that different. I’m struggling with lots of things, I’m just not as honest about it as you are here. We should get together for that drink we sporadically tweet about. Maybe sharing the load would help. xx ps: I find running helps immensely. Endorphins can be great, so can the sense of achievement when you run a distance/time you haven’t done before.

    • Oh sweetie – that is rubbish, we really must have that drink

      And yes, running and going and sitting on the bike in the work gym are working wonders for keeping things together – not ideal but hey, I’ll take each little bit I can

      Take care of yourself Holly xxx

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