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Actually that isn’t quite the right word – hang on a second whilst I check a thesaurus – it is scared but with dread and worry overlaid and the odd feeling of doubt.  So we’ll go with worried for the moment

I’m worried about going into hospital on Thursday – worried that when given the option to have a general anaesthetic or a local I went with local.  I’m not sure that, despite having had both children without any pain relief, I am any good with pain and whilst the idea of being knocked out and having no control over what is going on there is a huge part of me that would really rather not be awake for the whole process

I’m worried that they will find that something is wrong – that my pregnancy with Littler or the miscarriages has caused some damage.  Another part of me is worried that they will not find anything wrong (ok they have found something on the scans but who knows what that translates to when you get inside and have a good look)

I am really worried that they won’t find any explanation – that all of this will have been for nothing.

I’m also worried that having read this article deep down I am hoping that this whole rummaging around inside process will somehow magically kick start everything and it will all work out *hollow laugh* 

I’m worried about my job – the outside job market is dire and Mr Muddling is still on sabbatical and it looks awfully as if I’m going to have to give my career a push and see what happens.  Part of me sort of relishes the challenge but a larger part is shouting loudly that I’m ok coasting along as I am and it is big and scary and not necessarily something I want to do.  18 months ago I re-assessed my life and pushed to get a flexible role, all of that is up in the air and I’m not sure I want to turn my back on all of that.  Am I just being a big scaredy cat that isn’t good with change or do I really not want to do this?  Question is do I really have much of a choice…? 

I’m worried about the girls – that they are beginning to realise that I’m the only Mummy who doesn’t do the school gate thing and that school are teaching them that ‘normal’ is a Mummy at home and a Daddy at work when we are the exact opposite.  Me working is all they have ever known and it is normal to them – I see a difficult conversation on the horizon at school about their stereotypes and I’m not sure I want to be labelled as a difficult parent whilst also being rather keen that they do acknowledge that there are a few of us not living the 1950s family model

I’m worried about Christmas – we’re being careful this year and more presents will be homemade – I do worry if people will think these are lovely and be touched at the time spent on them or just a bit dismissive about receiving something handmade.  I like it when I get something made especially for me – I appreciate the effort and the time taken, will other people be the same?

Sorry bit of a brain dump there – probably good to set it all down – trouble is I don’t know how to fix it all

Wish I did

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24 comments to Worried

  • ok. The stereotypes thing: you know you have the skills to approach that conversation with skill and diplomacy. You would be where you are today if you didn’t apply those skills on a daily basis.

    The homemade gifts thing: people who matter will LOVE the time, effort and thought you put into those gifts. People who don’t appreciate such gifts, don’t merit a gift in the first place imho.

    All the other stuff: breathe. close your eyes. breathe again. open your eyes. that’s all the advice I can give really, but I hope it’s not as bad as you feared and better than you expect ((hugs))

  • Fiona Cooper (@nlpmum)

    Hi There, can’t help on the hospital trip I’m afraid except to cross fingers and toes and hope that everything goes well/get’s you sorted …… on the gender stereotyping, it sounds like the school needs to be talked to. And then there’s the homemade gifts thing. I have to agree with eggdipdip on this one – lots of people are brassic at the moment so everyone should be appreciating that you go to the effort and something homemade is much better than a bought pressie anyway. Everyone will be amazed and grateful that you’ve found the time and energy to make something. If they’re not then…. well you decide, but a homemade gift should always be treasured imo. Big hug. F

    • Thanks Fiona – you’re right, fingers crossed, chin up – little point in worrying about what I don’t know

      Relieved more of you think homemade is good – feels far less impersonal than throwing money at a problem

  • I wish you luck on your operation and really hope it sorts things out for you. That is not good that your girls are learning this traditional model of family roles when things have changed so much, but surely you cannot be the only mother who works and is not at the school gates everyday? In terms of the presents, if they dont appreciate it, stuff them, people are so materialistic and should be more appreciative of other’s efforts, especially in this financial climate.

    • Thanks Christine – I don’t think I am the only one, just that around here the norm tends to be mums at home which is great but does ignore a whole range of other options

      If they don’t appreciate them keep them? Not sure I want to give my sloe gin away

  • Good luck for Thursday… Will be thinking of you.

  • And here’s me worrying that because the children never see me working (I do it from home while they’re not there), they’re growing up with a stereotype of Mummies who do the school gate and Daddies who sit in an office… and wishing we were more like you.

    Perhaps a run (and who knows, some new trainers…?!) would help…

    And speaking personally I *love* homemade gifts.

    • There’s no way to win is there? Schools really do have to move with the times, there are so many different ways of doing this now

      Run definitely helps – have also discovered the joy of exercise bike and a good book, just don’t tell work!

  • Julie

    Sorry, shorter comment than I would like. Sending you hugs and strength, and keeping everything crossed. X

  • Everyone’s getting home-made blackberry vodka round these parts this year x

  • snafflesmummy

    Hope everything goes ok at the hospital. I would have chosen local too. I know i cant stop you worrying but we will all be thinking of you.

    I am sure you have the right amount of tact to speak to the school. Until more of us working mums make a stance our children will continue to be taught this.

    On the gift front I would love home made gifts and I am sure your family will too. If they dont, then they dont deserve any gifts. I would much rather know my friends and family were not worrying about money than have a gift from them.

    • Thank you – trouble is I’m not that good at tact, think the answer is to send in Mr M to have the chat!

      Think we are a go on operation use up my stash making lovely things and cooking and making – does make me feel nice to know I’m thinking about everyone already and planning rather than rushing around in December

  • We did homemade gifts last year and they were hugely appreciated – and despite it being a huge effort, it was fun and rewarding to do together, unlike the run to the shops to buy expensive and impersonal tat which makes me feel like a bad mum too! This year I’m hoping to decide what to make early though as I was up very late making cookie mix jars and bound notebooks last Xmas.
    You can’t be the only mum who’s having those issues with school stereotypes – how many of the teachers are female??? I’m in a strange limbo between work and SAHM, but I don’t think it’s healthy for kids to grow up with any gender-based stereotypes. Both boys and girls need to understand there are choices, decisions and compromises to be made when raising families. Every family is different.
    On the op, I know nothing is a guaranteed fix, even if you know what the problem is. I had a laparoscopy not long before my pregnancy which found very little. Too many other factors to know whether it made a difference, but at least it’s a forward step.

    • Exactly – at least if this turns up that the things they can see on the scan are nothing then we can cross another problem off the list

      We did cookie jars for friends last year – reminds me I need to find some cheap jars to put them in, the girls loved making them and I think people liked them

  • Thinking of you today, hope all goes okay.

    PS Normal is what you make it xx

  • I love home made gifts, who wouldn’t?! I hope yesterday went well. As for a normal family, we all do what we have to do to keep our families safe and happy.

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