Actually that isn’t quite the right word – hang on a second whilst I check a thesaurus – it is scared but with dread and worry overlaid and the odd feeling of doubt. So we’ll go with worried for the moment
I’m worried about going into hospital on Thursday – worried that when given the option to have a general anaesthetic or a local I went with local. I’m not sure that, despite having had both children without any pain relief, I am any good with pain and whilst the idea of being knocked out and having no control over what is going on there is a huge part of me that would really rather not be awake for the whole process
I’m worried that they will find that something is wrong – that my pregnancy with Littler or the miscarriages has caused some damage. Another part of me is worried that they will not find anything wrong (ok they have found something on the scans but who knows what that translates to when you get inside and have a good look)
I am really worried that they won’t find any explanation – that all of this will have been for nothing.
I’m also worried that having read this article deep down I am hoping that this whole rummaging around inside process will somehow magically kick start everything and it will all work out *hollow laugh*
I’m worried about my job – the outside job market is dire and Mr Muddling is still on sabbatical and it looks awfully as if I’m going to have to give my career a push and see what happens. Part of me sort of relishes the challenge but a larger part is shouting loudly that I’m ok coasting along as I am and it is big and scary and not necessarily something I want to do. 18 months ago I re-assessed my life and pushed to get a flexible role, all of that is up in the air and I’m not sure I want to turn my back on all of that. Am I just being a big scaredy cat that isn’t good with change or do I really not want to do this? Question is do I really have much of a choice…?
I’m worried about the girls – that they are beginning to realise that I’m the only Mummy who doesn’t do the school gate thing and that school are teaching them that ‘normal’ is a Mummy at home and a Daddy at work when we are the exact opposite. Me working is all they have ever known and it is normal to them – I see a difficult conversation on the horizon at school about their stereotypes and I’m not sure I want to be labelled as a difficult parent whilst also being rather keen that they do acknowledge that there are a few of us not living the 1950s family model
I’m worried about Christmas – we’re being careful this year and more presents will be homemade – I do worry if people will think these are lovely and be touched at the time spent on them or just a bit dismissive about receiving something handmade. I like it when I get something made especially for me – I appreciate the effort and the time taken, will other people be the same?
Sorry bit of a brain dump there – probably good to set it all down – trouble is I don’t know how to fix it all
Wish I did