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25 things that probably won’t get you pregnant

Sorry but a comment got stuck in my spam filter and has given me The Rage – someone telling me to go to their website to give myself the best chance of having a baby… you know what, after 2 years trying to conceive this one and all the time we took to conceive the other two I think I probably have done everything under the sun I could try and you know what, look I have an empty uterus


Anyway, just for completeness let me be absolutely clear about what things are not going to miraculously get me (and let me stay) pregnant

  1. Relaxing and just letting it happen, because you know Mother Nature knows best (I have serious issues with Mother Nature and how all over any of these processes she is)
  2. Just having lots and lots of sex
  3. Or even just buying sexy undies (you do know that just wearing underwear can’t get you pregnant? Right?)
  4. Only having sex on particular days, when the wind is the right direction, when Mars in alignment with Jupiter
  5. Getting a sports car (because it is sexy?  there’s no room to procreate in one? or because it doesn’t fit a child in?)
  6. Going off and having a romantic break (see 2 presumably)
  7. Or even a night without the children (because obviously you can only conceive if the others aren’t there sending out don’t conceive vibes)
  8. Taking vitamin B6, Agnus Castus, Soya Isoflavones, or any other supplement that anyone you know might have read might have a teeny tiny chance of helping
  9. Taking cough medicine (you don’t want to know)
  10. Visulations and listening to hypnosis (just thinking about it can get you pregnant!)
  11. Throwing yourself into work (if you forget about it, as if, obviously it will happen)
  12. Reducing work down and trying to be less stressed (how dare you focus on anything other than procreating)
  13. Taking temperatures and charting (information is king)
  14. Stopping taking temperatures and charting (too much information is bad for you!)
  15. OPKs / checking cervical mucus (too much information?)
  16. Stopping using OPKs / checking cervical mucus (as if you need an excuse to)
  17. Acupuncture (although to be fair it did help with Bigger & Littler and sorted out a few minor issues)
  18. Reflexology (although to be fair it was very relaxing)
  19. Stopping drinking coffee
  20. Re-starting drinking coffee so you can stay awake long enough to do numbers 2 or 4
  21. Taking a break from it all
  22. Just booking an appointment at the doctors (it worked for A)
  23. Or the fertility clinic (it worked for B)
  24. Or scheduling to pump my body full of drugs (it worked for C)
  25. Pumping my body full of drugs (it worked for D… oh…)

The simple fact is that it is down to luck – some people are lucky enough to get pregnant the first time they try… twice… and some are not

There is not a lot you can do – most of the things people tell you to try nudge the statistics infinitesimally one way or the other – the worst thing you can do is put your life entirely on hold because two years is an awfully long time to spend waiting and not having any answers…

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14 comments to 25 things that probably won’t get you pregnant

  • You are so right and offering ‘advice’ when it’s not working can just cause pain and upset to people who have probably already tried everything possible.

  • I’ve had so many people recommend accupuncture as if it’s a miracle cure. If it were a miracle, we’d all know about it. Every situation is different – advice can be well-meaning, but it’s not likely to solve anything.

    Sports car? Seriously?! Not heard that one before.

  • You’ve got every right to be completely pissed off… life is very unfair at times and to go through what you’ve endured for two long years must have nearly sucked the life out of you… I hope you too keep strong xxx

  • I can confirm that none of those work. Not even the cough mixture 😉 Acupuncture definitely helps, but it’s not a miracle cure for the bloody “unexplained infertility”. The only guaranteed way of getting a baby is to nick an existing one… and that is generally frowned upon in polite society. Hope the op does something. And if it doesn’t, crosses something else off a list x

  • My mother-in-law swears by the powers of Cullen Skink (traditional Scottish smoked fish soup). I have no idea why. But she kept buying tins of it as a hint that she wanted grandchildren :-S People are most odd when it comes to other people’s wombs.

  • The “relax” one is just the pits, isn’t it?

  • Cari Rosen (aka @cazroz)

    Not surprised you are peed off. I had my fair share of “helpful” advice as above and it did my head in! The lowest point came after my miscarriage when my GP said “it’s a miracle you got pregnant in the first place don’t count on it ever happening again”. I tell you – if sheer bloodymindedness got you up the duff I would have had triplets on her floor right there. (Alas it doesn’t)

    But yes – it’s all about luck. What works for one may or may not work for another and nothing is guaranteed and anyone who says otherwise is…well, anyway…

    In my case…two friends who had had (entirely different) problems conceiving both got pregnant the night their husbands had visited the (same) local curry house. So when it wasn’t happening for us I sent OH off there with them and hey presto – one baby. I’d like to say it was something in the bhajis but alas just a very happy coincidence.

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