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Edging closer to some answers?

Typical good news / bad news day today

Good news is that the doctors think they may have identified something that could be interfering with the baby making processes – there’s some funny looking patches in my womb and they’d like to know what they are

Bad news is that it means that I have to go and have another undignified procedure and that baby making is off the cards for a while whilst we check this out

I know that I should be feeling happy that we are perhaps edging towards working out what is going wrong – why I can get pregnant but not stay pregnant

We have always thought that there was a chance that Littler’s terribly difficult pregnancy and all the problems we had with her/my/our* placenta might have left some legacy but it is a little strange to be somewhere where there might actually be a reason that things aren’t working out

I’m beginning to edge closer to a place where I accept that we probably won’t have another baby – I’m not happy to be reaching this place but I can see that I could find a way to find my peace with it as a choice.  We have always said that the reason we have pushed to be seen by the doctors is to get some answers – if the answer is that my insides are too knackered to have another baby then so be it

Trouble is that, as ever, it is one thing to say those words whilst deep down holding onto the hope that it will all work out ok and quite another to be facing the reality of there really being a problem and that being that

Yes I do want answers, yes if we are never going to be able to have that extra baby then I want to know rather than to keep trying and keep hoping and keep getting hurt but I am sat here this afternoon wondering if I have opened Pandora’s box and if perhaps I may regret having done so

One step forward, one step back


*never did work out exactly who ‘owns’ the placenta and who is responsible when it turns out to not be working properly

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