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Apologies in advance but this needs saying

I am sick, sick, sick of reading miscarriage stories that end the same way – oh I had a MISCARRIAGE and it was AWFUL but I’m now pregnant really soon afterwards and whilst I was terribly worried I might MISCARRY again actually it is all going / has gone swimmingly and I have a lovely baby

Because you know what bully for all of you out there who have written those stores

Bully for all the bloggers who prattle on about how well their doctor said they coped with it (whilst being pregnant whilst writing about it which you know probably takes a bit of the sting out of it) and the bully especially for the lady who wrote a ‘frank’ account in our local magazine (again having just given birth to her lovely post miscarriage baby)

And there is a small part of me that is glad that it worked out for you all – you had your miscarriage and you’ve managed to get (and more importantly stay) pregnant – but guess what that makes you terribly lucky

I know we need to talk more about miscarriage but you know what there are some of us out here that have had not one but several miscarriages and look at that we aren’t pregnant after all that and we haven’t managed to stay pregnant for long enough to have that special baby

Yes you know what not everyone gets pregnant again and not everyone can sit and write about miscarrying from the lucky position of having another baby to hold onto and, whilst I am desperately trying to be a nice person and to not be bitter and to count my blessing these stories make me want to cry/spit/hit something

We’ve had lovely two lovely lines on a pregnancy test and then instead of writing smug articles about miscarriage and how we managed to get pregnant and have our lovely little baby in fact all that happens is we have another miscarriage

And statistically once you’ve had a couple of miscarriages the chances are that you’ll have more because Mother Nature is a bitch who knows how to kick people when they are down and vulnerable

And it can go on for years – trying, hoping and it not working out

We had an interesting chat over dinner last night – Mr Muddling asked if I still wanted another baby, if I still wanted to keep trying and keeping going through the hope and the despair – I couldn’t articulate how this has moved on from want, that want is too small a word to describe how I feel

Because the one thing I cannot understand is why do I keep getting pregnant if I am not supposed to have another baby – it would have been immeasurably easier to not have managed to get pregnant at all rather than to keep being given something only to have it be taken away again and again

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50 comments to Apologies in advance but this needs saying

  • Sending hugs to you. I agree 100%. As always, it seems like no one wants to think about the women who don’t have the easy cases whether it is recurrent miscarriage, infertility treatments that consistently fail, baby loss etc

    • So true – almost as if when things go wrong you are brushed under the carpet?

      Strange how so much research is done into so-called men’s diseases but so little is known about fertility or rather infertility

  • Ms. Infertile

    I always say, infertility and/or miscarriage doesn’t cure asshole.
    I feel that if one doesn’t have self awareness before this journey, one probably won’t have it afterwards.
    Some people grow and learn; yes, this is true. But sadly others don’t. They might have empathy, but their sympathy still needs work.
    I’m sorry you’re hurting. (((hugs)))

  • How completely and utterly awful for you… too sad for words really x

  • Kate

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have suffered a miscarriage, and I couldn’t imagine going through that repeatedly. I know there are no words that anyone can say to make you feel better … So I’m sending a virtual hug instead xx

  • It’s hard for people to understand that those 2 precious lines can come with fear as well as joy. Wishing for you and everyone else in same place and clinging to hope x

  • I am busy writing a post about the children I will never have and this has struck a nerve with me. The baby I lost after having mini was by far the hardest one I ever experienced, even though physically it was the earliest. The others were followed by a live child and this one wasn’t and will never be. It is beyond sad. If you ever want to talk about it, just shout

  • I think a lot of the reason that people don’t talk out about stuff is because they are not living that wonderful story. The person who had a baby after miscarriages, the person who had a baby that then died but soldiers on with a positive outlook and now has a new child in their life, the person who’s premature baby survived and now they are all so happy despite the daily challenges.
    Because some of us are just people who are still struggling and have no happy ending story to tell. And those stories don’t give us hope. They just send us deeper into despair because we are not one of those people.
    And we think that by talking about it, we are putting those other people down. We’re not. We’re just feeling the pain that it doesn’t work out that way for us.
    And it makes you think that life and mother nature can be a real bitch. And it makes you think “why me” and then you feel guilty because you’re supposed to have hope and you know what? It isn’t a limitless pool of hope. Sometimes you’ve lost it all and those stories don’t dip into the hope pool any more, they draw from the despair pool.
    And so I think we should do what you do and write about that too because that is the reality of life. For every 1 happy smiley outcome there are probably at least 5 that are crap and you never hear about.
    Sometimes it’s better not to strive for hope, just a little less despair would be good.
    And now I’ve gone on and ranted on your blog post. Sorry about that!

  • kninki

    Oh my lovely. It’s so incredibly unfair, and I can only imagine how hard and impossible this is for you. I wish things were otherwise, I truly do. X

  • Lou @ SunnySide

    People will only write about what they think other people want to hear. Sadly that isn’t usually the hardships and pain caused by something less than perfect.

    My heart goes out to you. Thankfully miscarriage is not something I have ever had to learn to live with, and if I am being honest, I don’t want it to be something I have to live with.

    I am not a religious person in any way shape or form, so no words of God from me to help to comfort. I am a believer in the power of nature. I have no clue why nature would be so cruel as to let you become pregnant, only to then make you miscarry again and again! We have been trying to get pregnant for the last couple of years and it has never happened – I have told myself that nature is telling me that the 3 I have is my lot, and I can find some peace in that – but to allow you to get pregnant and then take it away! That must seem like a continual smack in the face.

    My youngest son, who is a sometimes believer in God, has a theory about absolute shit that happens…He was talking one day about my ex-husband (my kids father) who is an alcoholic and was physically and mentally abusive to me during our 15 years together (I threw him out eventually)..Anyway Henry was talking about how bad life had been with his father and said that he firmly believed that God had made life so bad before so that we would be able to appreciate just how wonderful life with Steven (my new husband)was!

    When life gets me down, I think about my sons words…It is true that bad stuff only ever seems to happen to good people – but maybe it is so that we will appreciate the good stuff a whole lot more… I’m not saying that you should suddenly feel happy and appreciate the life you have – I would never even suggest that, more that maybe it is a reason why, when there seems to be no other reason.

    I am sending you a hugely enormous cyber hug, because if I was there I would hug you so tight you would probably faint.

    Good on you for writing honestly!

    Lou 🙂

    • Thank for the cyber hug – you are right, people only really want to hear the good stuff but sadly that doesn’t happen to everyone. Maybe it will for us eventually but two years in I am beginning to think perhaps not

  • I don’t think you needed to apologise in advance x

  • You didn’t need to apologise as KM above said. This is your place to rant and scream and shout as you see fit.

    With regards to the miscarriages, I don’t really know what to say. Some people get lucky and others don’t. All I can say is that where there is hope there is a chance.

    xx

  • Miscarriages are easy to cope with with hindsight of having managed another pregnancy and live child. I remember how I imagined shaking my GP who said that there was no reason I wouldn’t have another child and how having had one means it’s all possible. It doesn’t help. It’s meant to reassure but it doesn’t acknowledge how one feels and reassure it did not. I’m amazed that you manage to keep trying in spite of recurrent miscarriages, I knew that if I’d had a second miscarriage, I wouldn’t have tried again, the monthly hope and despair wore me so down. Big hugs to you – I so wish you it’ll work out.

  • Oh, I am so sorry that you are hurting. Blogging and Twitter can be a painful place when you are failing to get pregnant / failing to stay pregnant. I would say try not to read them, but I know too well that sometimes they creep up on you before you know what you’re reading.

    You have made me think about why I am holding out for a happy ending before blogging about the miscarriages I’ve had in recent months. Perhaps I think it will be easier to accept once it’s in the past, easier for my family to read if it’s accompanied by good news of a healthy pregnancy.

    • Tell me about it – one moment you are happily living in a bubble where these things can’t intrude and the next you are swamped in a sea of pregnancies

      I’m sorry you are in this place too – I’ve found that writing about it has let me understand my emotions, perhaps write it now and keep it for when you have good news. And I hope I hear good news from you very soon xxx

  • I am sorry that I don’t have any words to offer you but didn’t want to leave without letting you know that I am thinking of you.

    Sending virtual hugs and chocolate your way.

  • Firstly, no apology is needed here. I’m not going to say the trite “I understand/can imagine how hard it must be…” etc because the truth is, I cannot. But I have read your words and I do weep for you. That is all. I hope and pray that one day you do get to hold your longed-for baby in your arms. Hugs to you.

  • Sending you hugs, fertility issues are cruel, unfair & cause immense sadness, sending you lots of hugs x

  • about bloody time someone said it for how it really is for a LOT of people.

    hugs to you xoxo

  • Incredible post. You are so brave to write that.. I hope the support and love you receive from your audience will help carry you through. It’s posts like this that make me carry on blogging.

    Courage

    BM x x

  • Very grim, and I’m sorry you’re going through this time and time again. A friend of mine once told me that the miscarriages she had after her first child was born were way worse that those she had before, because once she had a child, she knew what she was losing each time. I don’t blame you for being cross.

  • So true, I cannot normally respond on posts talking about mc and it seems the vast maj of people go onto have a healthy baby within a year of their miscarriage and thus thus is seen as normal. At times these stories have nearly broken me, I hope that you get to join them soon I really do xx

  • I read your post and just feel like I wanted to comment. We have just lost our beautiful baby Harry at 24 weeks I am in a complete mess to be honest – having to go through labour knowing your baby has died is the most inhumane thing and I never want anyone to experience what we have done and are doing. One of the hardest things now with trying to pick ourselves up is the smile people give us saying “don’t worry you can try again” I don’t know the future so I can’t say that we will or wont, BUT Harry was our son and we want him, not to just ‘try again’ and its not as simple as that because we have now got to deal with our genetic findings so we might not be able to even try again. The whole subject is so raw, so I can only imagine how you feel, I know if I was to read those stories right now it would send me crashing into a another wave of grief. I am so sorry that you have experienced what I am more than once x

  • So so sorry Hannah. Hugs. And rant away. This is your blog and your space. Use it as you need to. xx

  • No need to apologise. Brought tears to my eyes, cannot imagine how hard this must be for you. It does seem so cruel to be given something just to have it taken away. I’m sorry for all of your loses. *sends hugs*

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