I haven’t been around much recently – not wanting to post just in case I jinxed something and just desperately hoping that there was something to jinx
Turns out there wasn’t
Hey ho
And hope quite frankly was an entire waste of time – I’ve denied myself things for absolutely no reason and now I am crashing down a crevasse of misery because I made the amateur result of actually trying to hope
Because hope really is rotten – it leads you to start to think of a future that won’t actually happen, to imagine things that won’t be anytime soon and to dream…
So here I am – bereft of words, hating that I feel unable to talk any of this because incredibly I have found something too personal to talk about here and feeling so so so alone and miserable
I know we are lucky etc etc etc but that doesn’t make where we are here and today any less raw and difficult to cope with
One day we will look back on today and it will be a memory and something we can refer to sideways and perhaps with humour
Today it is far from that – raw and ugly and, because unlike Littler I can’t cry and look attractive, also involving too much snot…
So where next? What next?
And for the first time the niggling feeling that why oh why are we still trying to have a bigger family rather than to be grateful for what we have?
p.s. did I mention we have the whole family descending this weekend? Rubbish timing no?
Hugs.
Thank you
You have to have hope when you do treatment lovely or there is no point in doing it. When the belief that it might work isn’t there it’s prob time for a review of the plan so don’t beat yourself up about having hope that’s a good thing x
Hope you are nicely distracted over the weekend sometimes too much time to dwell makes it worse.
Having a plan always helps do what’s the plan?
Xxx
Plan is a month off so we can have a holiday and regroup and then back to it again – fingers crossed not trying works better than trying
Oh my love. There aren’t any words are there…none good enough to provide any kind of comfort so I am sending a huge hug and sympathy by the bucket xxxxx
Thanks J – brushed myself off and is better today
Oh sweetie, I wish that there were words that would soothe and help. I am glad that you could share now, if not before. And I do agree that it feels like hope sucks. Until hope actually works and then you are happy to give the credit to it. I hope every day that I will read good news here. IN the mean time, I hope that your family at least keep you busy enough to distract you from, well, feeling hope-less. Big, big hugs to you xxx
Thank you – needed to wallow and wallowing appeared to help because woke up the next day feeling more resigned to it all
So sorry!! I don’t know if it helps to hear I have been in a similar place to you, and I know how painful it is. That feeling of lostness and trying to work out how you can protect yourself in the future, is just horrid! I too questioned why I couldn’t just be satisfied with the daughter I had, but once that maternal clock once again starts ticking, it seems impossible to turn off! I also think that if we don’t at least try all we can do to fulfill that desire, one may live with worst feelings that never subside!! What I am trying to say is, your not alone and we are all standing with you. Big hugs, Zoe xxx
Thank you Zoe
Oh Hannah how crap x
Yup. That.
So, so sorry. Was hopeful that the lack of posting was good. I know exactly where you are, and I wish I knew the answer. Except of course, that the answer is another baby. And they’re not as easy to make as they would have you believe. Have everything crossed that at some point this will turn out to be another conception journey that was so hard but so worth it. In the meantime, the strength to survive it xxxxx
Ha but they are easy for some people and I get all frustrated that they aren’t for others – not fair!
Will not go AWOL until there is good news next time. Or hopefully I can avoid disappearing down the rabbit hole
I’m sorry lovely. Be kind to yourself xx
Thank you egg
[...] Hope and no hope [...]
So sorry to hear this. Hope you are ok.
I’m ok. Thanks