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Hope and no hope

I haven’t been around much recently – not wanting to post just in case I jinxed something and just desperately hoping that there was something to jinx


Turns out there wasn’t


Hey ho


And hope quite frankly was an entire waste of time – I’ve denied myself things for absolutely no reason and now I am crashing down a crevasse of misery because I made the amateur result of actually trying to hope


Because hope really is rotten – it leads you to start to think of a future that won’t actually happen, to imagine things that won’t be anytime soon and to dream…


So here I am – bereft of words, hating that I feel unable to talk any of this because incredibly I have found something too personal to talk about here and feeling so so so alone and miserable


I know we are lucky etc etc etc but that doesn’t make where we are here and today any less raw and difficult to cope with


One day we will look back on today and it will be a memory and something we can refer to sideways and perhaps with humour


Today it is far from that – raw and ugly and, because unlike Littler I can’t cry and look attractive, also involving too much snot…


So where next?  What next?


And for the first time the niggling feeling that why oh why are we still trying to have a bigger family rather than to be grateful for what we have?


p.s. did I mention we have the whole family descending this weekend? Rubbish timing no?

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