I guess the good news is that I have realised that I am in an rut – it’s taken long enough for that to happen but the reality is that I am firmly stuck in here and I need to get myself out.
My life feels as if it has rather been on hold since last summer – I had always thought that by now, nearly a year since we conceived that baby, that I would be pregnant again and having that thought lurking in the back of my mind has been like a brake on the rest of my life.
I cannot sit around letting month after month go by and let things that are not happening drive everything else in my life or rather not drive them and let them just muddle on.
I’ve never been terribly good without a life plan and my life doesn’t have a plan – there are things I would and should change and I’ve held off taking any action just in case.
Well here we are a year later and just in case never happened and I do probably have to face up to it not happening.
But where to start?
How can I drag myself out of this rut?
I have decided to leap in and on with my training to be a breastfeeding counsellor – I got flying colours in my 1st module and I love the intellectual stimulation of learning new things. I’m hoping that by the time I qualify in two years either I will have made different choices about work or the systems will be in place to let me work as a counsellor – if not I’m going to save up to repay the cost of my training and I’ll find other ways to use the skills. I’ve doubted my ability to do this and yet I know this is something that I can do, that I can make a difference with and I just need to leap in and do it. Although perhaps not open up the next module again at work – the detailed cross section of a breast did raise an eyebrow or two!
I need to face up to the fact that this job really hasn’t worked out quite how I had hoped. Yes on the plus side I do actually have a job, and in my business that was a compelling reason to move here and to stay here, BUT the way my boss and I work is so different that I spend my whole time feeling bent out of shape and I don’t feel that my skills and experience are recognised. It isn’t the flexible, family friendly, female friendly place they led me to believe and I can’t see my career doing much here. I need to find out what else is out there and what else I can do – I want to work, I like my job but there must be other places I can do this and perhaps even new avenues to look at.
I need to declutter and start getting rid of things I am hoarding just in case. We don’t need the piles of books on the top of the bookcase, we need the space and less places for dust to collect. If I can clear off the upstairs landing I can get my reading corner back and hopefully spend some more evenings watching the sun set over the fields. That makes me happy and I need to do things that make me happy.
I have to get back into exercising. My weight has gradually increased and I’m not running as much as I did. I enjoy it, it keeps the anxiety at bay and I want to be thinner before the summer holidays. Time to brush off my trainers and to work out how to shoehorn the time out of my day. Perhaps I have to face up to getting up earlier – how do other people do it?
And on the baby front I’m going to try and be more proactive. I’ve booked to go back and have some acupuncture – it helped get me and keep me pregnant with the other two and perhaps it will help this time. I’ve been and had some blood tests and whilst they have come back normal it is a first step to working out what is going wrong. I’m looking into options about what next – part of me doesn’t want to go down this path but unless I do something then we will not have any answers and we could spend several more years stuck in this limbo.
But more importantly I am going to try and be kind to myself – to make time to see friends, do things that make me smile, take some time to do nothing much.
This grumpy rut-stuck me isn’t much fun for anyone to be around and it isn’t much fun being here and being me.
This needs to change.