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Sick of sex on a schedule

I am sick of the fact that whilst for some people having a baby is as easy as falling off a log (yes more new about friends managing to conceive – yes of course I’m delighted for them but still…)

 

I’m sick of the fact that I seem to have become the sole member of this partnership responsible for the whole trying to have a baby process

 

I am sick of the fact that biology says that there is only a short window each month when you can theoretically get pregnant

 

I am sick of the fact that, despite me having to live the whole up and down nature of TTC each month, SOMEONE in this household can’t be bothered to have sex during that short window because they ‘don’t feel like’ it

 

I am sick of the fact that 18 months of trying to have sex in this short window means I’m flat out of seduction techniques, spontaneity and don’t particularly feel like it myself

 

I am sick of the feeling of rejection and despair as a month goes by without us having had a reasonable crack at it (what if this month had been our month?)

 

I am sick of what trying to conceive this baby is doing to our hard fought back sex life and how it is becomming a battleground that we really don’t need

 

I am sick of the assumption it must be me that is not working right and not him

 

I’m sick of being told to relax and it will happen (it happened – it would just be nice if it could happen again and work out and it is an awful lot easier to say relax than actually do it)

 

I am sick of not knowing what we are doing wrong or what I can do to fix this

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18 comments to Sick of sex on a schedule

  • Lou @ SunnySide

    OK – I get it. I really do get it. I understand that you are sick of the whole situation – so what are you going to do?

    Do you want to admit defeat and stop trying – that’s what I did or should I say, that’s what we did. Three children down the line, all of them to my ex-husband and not one of them from my wonderful S. I was obsessed with getting pregnant. I didn’t care if I was too old or not. I didn’t care if S was too old or not. All that mattered was getting pregnant and giving S the one thing he has always wanted but never had – a child of his own. Our child. A child born of complete and utter love and devotion to each other!

    Poor guy couldn’t move for my pouncing on him every chance I got. It never got us anywhere. I was getting miserable every month, so miserable and fed up I buggered up my cycle which made me more upset because it meant the agony was even more drawn out.

    In the end we decided enough was enough – stuff another baby. It was time we took stock of just what we had. OK 3 beautiful children – not S’s biologically but he was most definitely their Dad. He loved them as his own and they loved him just as hard back. We had each other. We both came from backgrounds of unimaginable pain and suffering, but we had found each other and discovered something that was so wonderful, it still makes me cry with joy to think of it.

    Did we really need any more in our life? The answer was no – in reality we had more than enough – more than most people can even dream of – certainly more than either of us ever dreamt of having. And that’s when the longing stopped – when life became really really good for both of us. No more calendar ticking, no more sex now, today, this minute…Our relationship once more became about loving each other and being with each other. Sex took on a whole new meaning and turns I never thought possible. We became so in tune with each other – it’s almost like some kind of physic connection.

    Would I be happy if we got pregnant now? – to be honest I don’t know any more. I don’t really think about it any more – in fact reading your post is the first time I have thought about it for months.

    Hope this helps

    Lou 🙂

    • Thanks Lou – lots to think about – not sure I’m at the giving up stage and the doctor visit that was support to give me answers didn’t – guess I need a few days and a bit more perspective

  • Huge hugs. It must be crap when sex turns mechanical to serve an end goal rather than for intimacy. I really hope you get some good news soon. x

  • I really recommend that you stop – stop taking responsibility for everything, stop having sex which doesn’t sound like much fun, and stop trying to get pregnant for a while. Literally go cold turkey.

    Go and have some FUN! Laugh, drink wine, enjoy the sunshine, enjoy your two beautiful daughters, and promise yourself that you are going to take 1/2/3 months off from trying.

    Big hugs gorgeous xxx

  • me

    Huge hugs – FWIW the JK method (see DW) and going teetotal worked for us xx

  • me

    My GP’s personal opinion was that I would be less likely to conceive unless I went teetotal, even though we’d only have a glass of wine 2-3 times a week (something about ‘pickling’ my insides).

  • If you decide you aren’t going to take some time out then my recommendations (from my own experience) are …

    – The GI diet – by balancing your insulin levels it balances the hormones, giving you greater chances. So whenever you eat a ‘Red’ (high fat, high sugar), make sure you eat a ‘Green’ too.

    – Belly dancing or Pole Dancing or Zumba – something funny, sexy and girly that will make you move your hips and laugh a LOT.

    – reflexology etc which I think you are already doing

    – then look at any psychological reasons that you might be ignoring which might put you off falling pregnant. Or to get you to chill out, write 20-100 reasons why you’d be better off not falling pregnant – if you can get to the stage where you don’t want to, you are much more likely to fall; it’s the irony of life!

    Coffee and a chat at mine always available!

  • The Mad House

    No words of wisdom or advice,just hugs

  • Karen

    I could have written that post 5 years ago at the end of trying unsuccessfully for 4.5 years to fall pregnant. There is nothing more soul destroying than baby making sex month after month coupled with the relentless exprience of seeing your failure so vividly highlighted for you with each monthly period. I watched as my sister and friends fell pregnant with graceful ease and choked on my jealousy and then beat myself up with guilt about attaching my infertility to someone’s happy announcement. I distinctly recall getting to a point where I actually stopped having sex as knowing I wasn’t pregnant was so infinitely easier than the rollercoaster of uncertainty…it drove us both into the ground. Ironically it was the decision to take the step onto the IVF ladder that solved the puzzle and found and that natural conception was a very (v.v.)remote chance and that years of tests hadn’t picked up our problem because the NHS didn’t offer a particular test and that after all my personal beating myself up the issue was male factor… I’m not sure even four years and 2 delightful girls later our sex life has really recovered from all that trauma …if only it wasn’t so complicated. We still have embryo’s there but this would still require massive amounts of drugs to attempt another go and unfortunately the physical toll of my first round of IVF has so far put me off attempting another go although I would so dearly, dearly love a larger family. I try to be thankful everyday for what I have but the space in my heart that is still there for another baby still nags at me. Here for a coffee and a natter if ever you fancy it x

  • This just does not sound like any fun at all. I’m sorry you’re going through it. To better, less pressured sex!

  • I could have written this post, right now, right here, today. Only difference being that we just found out a couple of weeks ago, quite by chance, that my OH’s not great sperm is most likely due to a varicose vein. If the NHS had done a test for this five years back – or even advised us to have further exploratory tests into male factor issues (my fertility tests always come back spot on)… it wouldn’t have taken us 2.5 painful years of trying to conceive our daughter and we wouldn’t now be in a situation where our ages are also against us.

    It is such a minefield trying to work out why you aren’t getting knocked up. There are well meaning people and also money-making people all offering you mainly dud advice, that leaves you feeling more stressed than you were before.

    I’ve just decided we are having a month ‘off’ this month, because I can’t take the rollercoaster of ‘maybe’… all my mummy friends are now pregnant with number 2 baby and I am dreading that on Sunday I will find out that my sister-in-law is also pregnant with number 2. I will of course be happy for her, but holding back the tears is becoming increasingly difficult.

    Thanks for your post, hope you don’t mind my rambling long comment, but you’ve given me an outlet to vent (I don’t get to write about it on my blog as my OH would be mortified!). Here’s to good news for us at some point soon!

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