I’ve always thought that one of the benefits of having gone back to work into my male ghetto so quickly after the girls was born was that I missed out on an awful lot of Mummy interaction. Yes I missed the opportunity to make friends, to share experiences but I also missed a whole lot of judgemental tripe.
You may or may not be aware that Amanda Holden recently had a baby. You may or may not be aware that she is going back to work quite quickly after that baby has been born.
It appears that this is enough to give rise to outpourings of judgemental comments all over the place about what sort of mother this makes her and what sort of example it is setting. Much the same tsunami of wrath was played out when Rachida Dati took a short period of leave after her baby’s birth. A storm of comments that doesn’t take into account what support she has set up for herself, if she is really leaving her baby behind and what is driving her to do this – might it be that she is doing a job she loves and wants to do, has her baby with her and her family around her. Or not.
It’s all a bit sad making really – how can anyone stand on the sidelines and say what is the right or wrong choice for that mother and her family? How can they know what the situation is at home, the pressures of work or money or career and how can they understand the complex balance of choices that has led her to be going back to work quickly?
I’ve been on the receiving end of a fair amount of judgemental comments about whether I was going to go back to work or to throw it all in and stay at home. Comments that failed to understand the what and the why and just exposed the prejudices of the people making them. Comments that showed that they didn’t understand that my choices were made because of all manner of dynamics some to do with me, some to do with my career, some to do with my husband’s job, some to do with childcare and so on.
How about we sit back and work on the basis that all the other parents out there are making the choices they do for the right reasons for them and their family.
How about we ignore that yes, there are a few parents who probably need saving from making the wrong decisions but they are a tiny minority compared to the millions of parents doing the right thing day in, day out.
How about we consider that we probably don’t know everything about the iceberg of a family from the tip we see played out in public.
It covers all aspects of parenting from how we give birth, how we fed our babies, how we live with them – we shouldn’t be standing on the sidelines judging, we should be offering help, support and not knocking people down.
How about we start being kinder and less judgemental and remember that even one comment can be incredibly hurtful and will linger in the minds of those who hear it. The internet is a powerful place, it has a long memory and once things have been said it is awfully hard to unsay them.
God I can’t stand the judgmental and competitive parenting types (oops, did I just judge there?). We do what we have to do and until we’ve walked a mile in someone else’s shoes we’re not really placed to comment on their position. Motherhood can really bring out the worst in the ‘sisterhood’ I find.
Exactly – walk a mile in someone else’s shoes before you can understand, it is easy judge, it is not easy to understand
Motherhood just gets more women picking on each other,
bloody stupid!
however blooming good post
Why thank you – why is it that women are our own worst enemies?
Here here!
Thank you
Well said…
Too many people (not all of them are parents either)feel it is their need or right to pass judgment on others parenting style or choices without knowing what makes another family work..
Exactly – each family is different and each family needs different things
Different horses for different courses (not that I’m calling anyone a horse!)
Here here, or is it hear, hear (I can never remember). Horses for courses and all that, no one woman will completely agree with the parenting decisions of anotherm, because there is no set correct way! We should all just try and get along and support each others choices.
I can never remember too (think it’s hear hear?) exactly – why can’t we assume we’re all doing the best we can? I haven’t yet met a mother who isn’t
What happened to feminism ? Wasn’t that supposed to be about choice? Every family is different and no-one looking in from outside can ever truly know how it works and should certainly not be judgemental. I went back after 10 weeks on no1, 18 months after no 2 and 8 months after no 3 and now I’m an (unwilling) SAHM. Let’s all support each other…
I guess this is the issue with post feminism, that we haven’t found a way to work together as a supportive female community
We all are doing our best, some of us our living with choices that we may not have chosen if on our own without our family but we are all doing the best we can
I was shocked when I saw she’d gone back to work but in a ‘Wow! She’s done well’ Kind of way. I didn’t like that they were making a big deal about her losing weight so quickly either. Of course she has, she was in intensive care!
I never really had a vocation until I had babies but can completely understand why women choose or have to work.
I just wish people could work on the basis that she must have thought about it and come to a decision that was right for her – we all do that so why shouldn’t people in the public eye. Be nicer if we worked on the basis of being supportive first and judgemental later