Sorry I haven’t posted much lately – there’s been various stuff going on that has cluttered up my mind and made me struggle to work out what I want to write and what, when I’ve written it, I can post on here.
We are back in the house – it is probably 95% done but the builders have gone AWOL and no idea where a few niggly things will get done. We also aren’t entirely moved out of our barn – when I go in there it’s just so grim I turn around and head right back to the house. On the plus side it means that quite a few of the toys haven’t made it back in either. Silver linings and all that.
The trouble is mainly about Project Baby3 – I don’t want to bore but it continues to grind on.
We had a month off the science which I’m told should be liberating – instead it was frustrating because, whilst we had a jolly good try at timing everything right, I have no idea if we did. Needless to say I am now feeling down that we appear to have failed to succeed this month.
I have sorted out all the clothes in the attic – half (those in non girl colours) are heading off to my sister for her little baby boy to wear when he arrives. The rest are packaged up by size in the attic on the off chance that something happens. It feels as if I’m starting to be forced to accept that things may not happen – I’m not ready for that yet but I guess at some point I have to admit that it may not happen.
This month marks the miscarriage I had a year ago – it makes me feel very sad that we have lost that opportunity. This week has marked 6 months since my miscarriage in the summer. Rather naively I had assumed I would at least have managed to get pregnant by the time that due date came around. Increasingly it is looking as if that is unlikely. I’m not sure how I will deal with that. Does this mean that I really do have to face up to the fact that we might not have another baby?
I’m also swamped by work – I’ve come back to a project kicking off and all that entails. A break from the job has given me some clarity that I need to decide what I am going to do long term and to stop using Project Baby3 as an excuse to just sit and do nothing about the work frustrations. Trouble is that I don’t have answers just the knowledge that I need to move forward in some way.
And January is a busy entertaining month for work which means I’m tired and I’ve not seen enough of the girls recently – it will all settle down but for the moment I am weary and uninspired and questioning so much.
Could someone please just wave a magic wand and sort out the baby situation for us so I don’t have to expend any more emotional energy on it?
Ah mc anniversaries without being pregnant are tough, really rough. No advice bar the old time does heal xx
You have so much going on in your head and life. I wouldn’t much be feeling the blogging either. Your writing about your desire and effort to conceive is never a bore, by the way. Whatever happens, your readers are here for you.