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Could someone please find me a wife

No I’m not divorcing Mr Muddling and announcing that my preference has changed gender.  Although that would probably send my page views rocketing through the roof momentarily, must make a mental note of that for next time inspiration flags.

No, I’m still me but I have realised that I am lacking something all my colleagues have.

I need a wife.

I need someone to be at home making sure that dinner is in the oven, cooking away, so I can get home to a lovely hot meal on the table.  A meal that someone else has prepared and has shopped for.  A meal that hasn’t involved me typing out meal plans and squeezing in an internet shopping order whilst waiting for my boss to get off the phone and tell me what the latest thing he has volunteered me for.

I need someone to do the washing and ironing and, more importantly, the putting back in the right places so our house isn’t strewn with piles of laundry in various stages of cleanliness.

I need someone to deal with the difficult part of bedtime negotiations every night.  Someone who will hold the line on the number of breadsticks permitted to a three year old vs. those a two year old can have, who will successfully provide water, the right toys and a bedtime story, someone who will have perfected the routine so I can swan in some nights and do bedtime kisses to children incredibly pleased at the novelty of seeing me and then happy to show off how adorable they can be by snuggling down straight away.

I need someone who can deal with builders, sort out cleaning the dust away from our house, work out what new cutlery and crockery we will have now we finally might have a nice kitchen (we are still using an amalgamation of his/hers bits from when we moved in together 8 years ago from our respective bachelor flats), who can show me a shortlist of suitable tiles for the small bit of tiling that needs to go behind the Aga, who can tell me what the right height for plug sockets is above a work surface.  In short someone who can supervise the running of the house so I don’t have to!

Applications are now open – I’m very reasonable really, I just need someone who does all the things that make my colleagues lives easier and that they don’t seem to realise I don’t have.

Can someone please find me a wife!

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