My life has fallen into 2 two weekly cycles. The one where we wait for the hormones to surge and my ovaries to do their thing and the following two weeks where I examine every tweek and twinge and live from one early morning temperature taking until the next desperately hoping that this month will mean I’m pregnant again.
The trouble is that the first few days of that first phase are low days – days when hormones wreck their havoc and I struggle with a dive into momentary despair. I struggle with wanting to even get out of my bed in the morning and spend a couple of days desperate to crawl back under my duvet.
This month is no exception – this month is perhaps worse because I was really hopeful. Everything was right on paper – a definite ovulation, high temperatures, an implantation dip, even a really good pulse when I saw my acupuncturist on Friday. So good that for a couple of hours my hopes were high.
More fool me.
The trouble is that the higher the hopes, the further you have to fall.
On the outside I probably appear unconcerned, but inside I am crying. Again. And desperate to get away from it all and crawl under my duvet.
I know that we are lucky, I know that if someone told me today that this isn’t going to work out that we would be perfect as a family of four. But I am not ready yet to stop trying. I’m not sure when I will be ready.
And so I continue to be locked into this cycle of hope and despair. Of making bargains on the basis of if-it-happens. Of reading up on every possible thing I can do to tip the balance of probabilities towards two lines on a stick.
The trouble is that sometimes the despair gives way to rage – to finding it hard to deal with people getting pregnant easily, almost without trying. To reading people write about miscarriage and how calm they are about it at a time when they’re already pregnant again. And I’m not. Not yet. But who knows perhaps this month we’ll both be in the same country at the right time and we may get lucky.
Because that is the problem with this all. It’s down to luck. And Lady Luck is off looking after someone else who needs her more.