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The Friday Rant Club – human reproductive processes need a rethink

How come evolution hasn’t kicked in sorted out the fact that no matter how you look at it, the way we humans reproduce is just overly complicated.  Surely sometime around the time we started to walk upright some small changes could have been made to how we reproduce?

Let’s think about conception – not only is there a teeny window of opportunity each month to actually conceive but the point at which is it possible can change from woman to woman and cycle to cycle.  I can’t be the only person who took months to work out when the exact window of opportunity to conceive was.  Think of all those wasted sperm that could have been properly put to their use in that time.  Millions of them wasted because the process is just not clearly mapped out.  Couldn’t our ears turn blue or something on the days we are fertile?  At least this would avoid those conversations along the lines of ‘we absolutely have to have sex tonight – the chart and little sticks say so’ and the inevitable reply of ‘are you sure – I’m tired / late at work / don’t fancy you today?’.  Blue ears would at least make it clear that tonight is the night.  No arguments.

But even when you’ve managed to insert part A into slot B at the appropriate time you only stand something like a 25% chance of things having worked out.  Trouble is that some joker up in evolutionary affairs has decided to not change the small inconvenient fact that most of the signs that you might possibly be pregnant are exactly the same as the signs that your period is about to turn up.  How can this have not been improved on?  Not only would it be better if instead of having to wait two weeks checking every 5 minutes if a symptom has come or gone, you could find out immediately if sperm had met egg.  So much simpler, so much less potential for mis-understanding.  Again I can’t be the only person to have got it horribly wrong and mistaken a bit of early pregnancy bleeding for a period and then ended up being 5 weeks more pregnant than I thought I was.  Don’t even start to think about the possible consequences of the incredibly drunken day in the middle of those 5 weeks when I drowned my sorrows and rather too many drinks sitting in the sun watching the Tour de France prologue in Hyde Park.  Something quicker and less prone to misinterpretation is needed – perhaps something like a pregnancy test on your arm – a line that appears quickly and says yes I am in fact pregnant and not just delusional.  Or even better that I am not pregnant and I can have another glass of red wine.

I’m not even going to start on pregnancy – the whole, drawn out process doesn’t exactly seem like the most sensibly designed.

But have you considered how evolution could have improved on giving birth?  Not only might we know what day it was going to happen which would avoid arranging important things for a day when you really aren’t going to be interested in doing anything other than admiring your newborn, but the actual getting the baby out process could do with a rethink.  What about a zip?  Nice and convenient, none of the pushing and perhaps less of the gore?

So where can I sign a petition to get reproduction improved? Ladies, we need to take a stand.


The Friday Rant Club is a chance to get those niggles, those irritants, those things that make you want to throw a toddler-stylee tantrum off your chest before the weekend.

Go on, let it all out and if you feel like it there’s a rather nice little button over there on the right to show you that you like a bit of a rant


I’m looking for some guest ranters – if you’d like to get something off your chest send me an email or mention it to me on Twitter. Any subject, just has to be something that has really got your goat.

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