I realised that when I got pregnant earlier in the summer I had done my usual thing of focusing on the immediate challenge, get pregnant, and not so much on what would actually happen if I did get pregnant. As we continue to try to get pregnant again I am trying to think long and hard about what happens if it does happen and if I stay pregnant.
My pregnancy with Littler was fairly grim. I had hyperemesis to begin with and then had a couple of ok weeks before Littler started trying to arrive. From 19 weeks onwards I was sucked into a strange world of bedrest, frequent scans to check she was still ok and continual worry. I spent 20 weeks doing everything in my power to fight for my baby and to be fair it was to the exclusion of just about everything. I lay on my left side in my bed for those weeks, I had one trip out of the house a week and I spent far too much time in hospitals. My relationship with Mr Muddling struggled and it took us an awfully long time to get back to a good place.
So why on earth are we even considering going through this again?
There are moments when I do think that perhaps we shouldn’t be and yet deep down I feel that our family is a family of 5 not 4. Time will tell on that front. There have been times over the summer when I have looked at our family and known that if we don’t manage to have another baby it is ok, that we are a good little family as we stand and that whilst I feel as if there is space for one more it will be ok if we stay as we are.
I guess I also hope that this pregnancy will be better and will in some way erase the experience I had last time. Realistically I’m sure that can be the case but it’s good to hope, right?
I’m not looking forward to the prospect of HG again but I am better educated this time and I will seek help earlier. Earlier as in before I get admitted to hospital with dehydration. Perhaps this time we will be lucky and avoid it? Realistically probably not and prepared at least means I know what to expect and what to avoid.
And the risk of another difficult pregnancy, of bed rest and the rest. I can only travel hopefully.
We have had all the difficult conversations around this already. We both agree on what we will and won’t do. That at least is good to know going into this.
And we have been there, we’ve been the couple that nobody wants to be coming out of the consultant’s room and who everyone avoids making eye contact with, and you know what, we got through it and we have Littler and all that she is as a result.
Maybe I won’t get pregnant again and we’ll reach a place where we stop trying. Maybe I will get pregnant again and it will be a good pregnancy, or maybe it won’t be. At least this time I’ve thought it through and I know that we will be ok.