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Bittersweet

Life can be an absolute beast when it thinks about it.

 

Tonight I am mostly rejoicing in the news that my sister is pregnant, that I’m going to be an aunt, that after all the trying she is going to be a mother, that they are going to be a family.  And I’m wishing them an easy pregnancy, planning my knitting and starting to dream of how much the girls will enjoy having a little cousin.  This is wonderful, life affirming news.

 

And yet.

 

And yet.

 

There is a small selfish part of me that is howling inside.  And a big part of me that hates myself for feeling like this whilst a smaller part understands.

 

You see, in a kinked flaw of karma, her due date is the day before my due date was.

 

Was.

 

And now isn’t.

 

I had thought that, even though I had hoped so desperately that I was pregnant this month and am I not, I had passed through this process.  That the loss of those dreams around this baby had moved into something I had accepted and that we were moving on from.

 

But this is the pointy end of being a good person, this is not about me, this is about her and her family and I have to stop wallowing.

 

Ok, I have to stop wallowing tomorrow – tonight I reserve the right to be a bit selfish and bit self indulgent and to kick the beanbag because so so easily this could have been us making those calls today.

 

But it isn’t and you know what, there’s a silver lining, my sister in law being pregnant and due two weeks before me when I was pregnant with Bigger was strange and your first baby is special.  I would probably actually rather not be pregnant and taking a shine out of her pregnancy and this wonderful first baby.

 

So it is not all bad.

 

In fact there might be good reasons this has happened.

 

Perhaps karma knows more than I give it credit for.

 

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