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Moving on…

What I hadn’t realised about miscarriage is that there isn’t a button that you click and suddenly everything is erased.


Once you’ve gone through the physical process you then have to deal with the practical side.


You have to cancel the appointments you had made, tell the few people you had confided in and delete pictures of positive pregnancy tests from your phone.  Or in my case remove the positive test strip from my rail card holder after it snuck out in a work meeting and sat there looking up at me, reminding me.


This weekend coming feels a bit funny.  Not because we haven’t got back on an even keel but because we should have been hitting 12 weeks and telling people.  We had scans booked and the so on.


And now we don’t.


In many ways, this break with just the four of us is exactly what we all needed.


This summer week on the Island has been a bit of a milestone in each of the last 4 years.


Four years ago I had assumed I’d failed to fall pregnant whilst actually being pregnant with Bigger.  I didn’t realise that the growing boobs meant anything and instead drove down in a hideous rain storm and ended up picking up Mr Muddling in the middle of the night after he had some epic journey disaster.  I remember working out that my sister in law was pregnant again.  For the third time.  And I wasn’t and being a touch fed up about it.


Three years ago we had our first holiday here with Bigger – we were just getting used to being a family and I remember spending Mr’s birthday having lunch in his favourite pub and then coming back to lie in the garden and soak up the sun.  It was lovely.


Two years ago was beastly.  A low point.  A rush to the local maternity unit as Littler tried to arrive.  Again.  And spending an evening confined to bed whilst everyone else went out and had fun.


Last year was better than that but suffered from the fact that Mr and I were still miles apart.  Both still struggling with the after effects of that awful pregnancy and the shocks it put through our marriage and then the difficulties of living with a high needs baby plus an 18 month old who really wasn’t impressed at the new addition to the family.


But here we are – this year is good.


This year I step back and look at Mr Muddling cuddling our girls as he reads to them and my heart sings.  I watch them playing on the beach and am happy.  I swim in the sea with Bigger and despite being frozen know that this is a good moment.


Life is good and perhaps the silver lining of all of this is that we are better as a family.


Mr and I are closer, more contented, perhaps even more in tune.


We are all ok and this thing is a blip that will be only a tiny bump in the fabric of our lives when we look back.


We haven’t decided what to do next – that’s for after our holidays when we get back to reality.


But here, today, life is good and I am lucky to be here, surrounded by my family.

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22 comments to Moving on…

  • Circus Queen

    This is a beautiful post. I’m sorry for your loss but am glad you’re being given the time to reflect on and bond with your family. x

  • You can really feel a sense of peace through this post. I understand the pain of a lost pregnancy. I rationalised it by just accepting it wasn’t meant to be, that if the LO had survived something might have been wrong. As it stands, I fell pregnant with my daughter who was a bouncing, healthy, 9lb girl when she was born and I have never wanted or treasured anything so much in my life.

    It is heartwarming to hear of such a close family unit that you have to rely on.


  • So glad that you feel contented and having a great time with your family. Have a lovely holiday! xxx

  • I think with any loss, there are ups and downs. The trouble with a miscarriage is that there are less people who can share it with you and understand what you might be feeling.

    I’m so glad that you have had a peaceful, healing holiday and you are enjoying being together as a family xxx

  • D’you know, I hadn’t even thought of that element of miscarriage. How horrible to have to verbalise so many times to so many people that which you wish weren’t true. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences of miscarriage, and moving forward following one. It’s such a taboo subject in our society, people don’t know how to deal with people who have experienced it. Thanks for your honesty, and I’m so glad to see that you’re finding some peace and enjoying your time with your girls.

    • At least with the last one it was sort of not realised but this one is far harder trying to sort all the admin out – what an absolute bugger as it were

      Trouble with this blog is that having decided on absolute honesty I rather feel I have to share everything….

  • A very philosophcal post. I am really glad you are finding some peace with what’s happened and are able to appreciate all the good things in your life. Sounds like you’ve been on a rollercoaster journey these last few years. I hope you can remain positive on your return from holiday.

  • This post seems like a deep breath and a slow smile – even though the difficult stuff is very real it’s so important to refocus on the good as well and let that propel you forward. x

  • A holiday away can work wonders in helping us to organise our minds and take stock. I’m glad you’re all having a great time, and you’ll come to a conclusion about where to go next easier when you’re both more relaxed about things in general.

    Much love. xx

  • So glad to hear you are in a happier place now. Long may it continue and grow.

    In my thoughts always.

    LCM x

  • You write so well about how all the small things remind you, the bits that slip out of your purse etc. That holiday away with all it’s years of memories also sounds like a great place to re-group and just be, as they say…

    • Its been the small things that I’ve found hardest – the big picture I can cope with, being brave on a daily basis I can do, not howling in public I can do but oh gosh the little things

      And yet a bit of fresh air, sand and sitting in the sun has done wonders

  • oxford shipping company

    This message appears as a slow deep breath and smile – even if the hard things are very real. It is so important to focus on the good as well and let it push you forward. I’m so glad you feel satisfied and have a great time with your family. A wonderful holiday!

  • […] on a daily basis for that woman there and then this is not something run of the mill – it is the end of a pregnancy and all the hopes associated with it. Mumsnet are running a campaign for better miscarriage care.  […]

  • […] about that I definitely wouldn’t want my work colleagues to read – about self harming, miscarriage, deeply personal things. The rule of thumb I live by is that I don’t write anything on the […]

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