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Trying part 2 – counting the days?

This is one of those post that you dither about actually hitting publish on… but since I wrote about trying I wanted to share this.

 

I hope it isn’t something that offends.  Also, time has passed since I wrote it and I do want to remember how this feels and felt.

 

____________________

 

Tick tock, tick tock.

Time passes by.

And suddenly you realise that the freaky hot feet you had on Saturday night that should have meant that your period arrived the next day, because that is what happens every month, hasn’t led to your period arriving.

And today is Thursday.
Which is quite a lot of days.

Which is not a bad thing.  Or a good thing.  Its just a thing.

But then there is a tiny part of my brain – the analytical part noting that Sunday to Thursday is a few days.

Because despite a clockwork cycle this is a bit different.

And nothing like before despite having had two babies.

So probably its just a mix up of dates and anyway because we weren’t trying properly and Mr Muddling was travelling a lot recently.

But yet.

There is a chance, a moment at which ships did pass in the night.

I find myself waking at 5am the last few days which is something unusual.  But it could be stress about the horror meeting this week and this had been a horrid work week.

And so I find myself having to have a conversation with Mr Muddling that flags that this could be something or nothing.

Which is a first given we only realised I was pregnant with both the others when I started throwing up (I had a few chemical pregnancies so I don’t go in for pregnancy tests really or at least not until way after you need a pregnancy test to tell you are pregnant although to be fair I’ve never twigged its always been Mr noticing that I can’t keep anything down and then there’s the whole need acupuncture to keep carrying a baby thing…)

So actually I know nothing about this stage of affairs really – I’ve never been here.

And in normal circumstances I’d laugh this me out of the room but yet, after all that has happened, I cannot, cannot stop myself hoping.

Wishing.

Wanting.

So this is another post of nothing really…

As you were.

I assume I’ll be back really soon telling you that I’m a hysterical moo

But it won’t be until I’ve spent a bit of time mourning what might have been because…

Because…

Because…

Because the thing that is so hard to admit is that at 5am when I wake up, like I never really do that often except when I’ve been pregnant, I may lie in bed quietly hoping, wishing and wanting and imaging that this might be more than it almost certainly is.

And those dreams, and those wishes, are going to be hard to push away because they didn’t not exist.

And I know that compared to so many other people I’m lucky.  So lucky.  That I do have two fabulous daughters.  Two wonderful girls.

But that’s for another post – today I’m being selfish and introspective.

And then there’s a part of me that worries that this worry about pregnancy is a false hope and that actually this is change to the normal is a sign that I’m going through the menopause, early as every other woman in my family does.

So am I delusional, menopausal or is this something?

 

_______________________

 

And so despite my body giving me every sign that this might be something, it was nothing.  I’ve even taken pregnancy tests so sure was I that sperm had met egg… but it hadn’t.

 

It was obviously the impact of stress and worries and now I find myself worrying that these changes to my cycle are a sign the menopause is starting – because I really need something else to worry about, and then there’s the whole what to do about Baby3?  Do we?  Should we?  Could we?

 

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18 comments to Trying part 2 – counting the days?

  • This is such an honest post, and Im sorry that this time wasnt your time. We tried for a long time with our second daughter, but I have friends who are still trying for their first and I can appreciate how you can feel like you might upset some others. I remember that feeling of a late period and sitting there trying to understand if I felt different, was this time, the time, it’s a horrible and depressing feeling when you dont get the result you want. I wish you the best of luck and hope you get your third child. I would love to have another child but the circumstances are not right now.

    • Muddling Along

      Its something I wrote a while ago but that since I’m going to be honest about the whole trying thing I wanted to start to publish the things I have written and not posted – its not a perfect time for us but I’d rather give it a go and see (afterall it may be a moot point in a few months given my age)

  • I remember those feeling when trying for our second. That not wanting to get your hopes up but getting them up anyway. the thinking you are prepared for the bad news but being destroyed regardless. It’s such a hard time. thinking of you lovely lady xxx

    • Muddling Along

      I have a theory that trying is a cumulative process – all the time spent with the first rolls up and is added into the time you’ve spent when trying for the second and so on… its pants

  • Oh I hate, hate, hate, that feeling. Convincing yourself that there’s a possibility of being pregnant, only to to have your hopes dashed. We’re never going to have any more children – my DH is making quite sure of that – but I know that if my period ever came late there would still be a ‘what if’ feeling lurking at the back of my head.
    I really hope you have better luck soon.

  • I hope against hope it is now and it works out for you lovely x

  • this could have been me ten years ago. I felt exactly the same as you. I’d had trouble conceiving first time round – several miscarriages pre first son, then conceived straightaway for number 2 and all was well. But then it niggles away that you’d like another. And this is what led to a chain of pain for me. Vile miscarriages on a scale much more traumatic than pre-#1 (although the v fist misc, although mild and only at 12 weeks, was by far the worst emotionally). Eventually when my failed pregnancies sort of stacked up like planes in the sky above Heathrow, and I “gave birth” to a 4 or 5 month old foetus I hadn’t even realised I was carrying (symptom-free, me, I’d’ve killed for hot feet and sickness!!) and I sat in the bathroom with this little … thing … in my hands, I realised that I just couldn’t do it again. Not the harrowing experiences so much as the damaged hope. My life was on hold and I was missing out on the boys. And so we have two. Part of me feels that gap of the third still and part of me accepts that at some stage you always have to have one which is the last, whether this is after your first or tenth. And some people never get one.
    So I’ve tried to be philisophical but the seasonality of it all – no more nursery school, then no more primary school is all a terrifying marker of loss and moving on and time.
    Sorry, this has all got a bit heavy. Emotional things babies! Enjoy yours. Mine are now 14 and 12. Where the hell has that gone!!??!?!?
    And good luck next time!!

  • I know the feeling. Hang in there and don’t lose your hope. Try not to get too bogged down in the what ifs…I know easier said than done but important still. And I really hope it happens for you soon. x

  • Its such an emotional roller coaster – I’m pretty certain my breeding days are behind me – we said we’d review when G is 2yo which is in October but I can’t see that decision changing – sending you all and any left over fertility I may have! Claire x

    • Muddling Along

      I remember you being VERY sure before

      For me, 3 has been the magic number but if this goes on heap longer I can see that we have a great family as it is

  • This is exactly where I am now. No.1 was a happy accident after I had been told it was never going to happen. I’m too scared to test. And I’m too scared to get OH’s hopes up so haven’t told a soul.
    Really hope no.3 happens for you.

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