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Trying

If you read back through this blog you’d be forgiven for thinking that there isn’t much that I won’t write about and that I don’t share.  And yes, whilst I do self edit and definitely make sure that I keep my work life away from this blog, I do write about anything and everything that is going on.
Except there is one gaping hole that I haven’t written about here and that I’ve struggled to know how to write about.

Some of you may know that we’ve always wanted to have a third child.

Some of you may know that we’ve been not not trying for a while.

Some of you may know that we’ve been really trying for a while.

And it hasn’t happened yet.

Despite me throwing all the usual things at it – taking temperature every day, peeing on ovulation predictor sticks, checking mucus, getting acupuncture.  Doing the things that have worked the last two times.  And doing them for rather a lot of months.

I have written various posts that I haven’t published about the way that my hopes have got up each month, only to drop right down a few days later.  There have been months where I have been absolutely certain that it had worked.

But it hadn’t.

But I’ve felt a bit funny about sharing this writing about angst about not conceiving.

In a way it doesn’t seem right to dwell on it not happening when we already have two lovely girls.

If we didn’t manage to conceive I have a lovely family, yes a family smaller than I have dreamt of but still a lovely family.

And there are so many people who struggle to even have one baby, let alone the two that I already have.  So in some ways writing about this and my feelings when another month passes feels indulgent and unfair.  And worse, potentially hurtful to people reading it.

But it doesn’t take away from the fact that it feels as if there is a space in our family waiting for a small person to fill it.  Not a big or a defined space but a space nonetheless.

And whilst I should just shrug my shoulders and get on with life and have this just ticking away in the background I am finding it hard to do that.

It takes some dedication to take temperatures and be stuck all over with needles, I am trying very hard to make this baby.

And yet perhaps my body, my useless defective, failing body knows that it is not a good idea and is carefully making sure that this won’t happen.

Who knows?

Perhaps at some point I’ll draw a line under the baby part of my life and move on, perhaps I need to focus on the blessings I have, but not yet, not for a little while.

Please bear with me – not writing about this is something I can’t do I’m afraid and I don’t want to hurt anyone but writing about it puts these things into perspective for me.

p.s. those are ovulation predictor sticks not pregnancy tests and they’re not mine

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28 comments to Trying

  • You write about whatever you want – it’s your blog and your space. If someone has a problem with it then they can not read it!
    Just because you have kids, doesn’t stop the ache you feel for more. It’s not always rational. The subject of having kids is not a logical, unemotional one. You can’t help how you feel and if it helps to write the words down then go for it. I understand, btw. I feel the same need myself but we’ve “decided” not to have any more.

    • Muddling Along

      That’s a really good point, it isn’t rational, its primeval and uncontrollable

      This will be our last baby, we’ve discussed it in detail, we know what it means and we want to do it but it not happening is hard. It wasn’t easy to conceive the others but this one is proving much harder

  • Oh H. I didnt realise you were this desperate. I cant totally empathise, it took me 2 years for Boy. For me reflexology worked have you tried that? It WILL happen, just when you least expect it. I am totally sure of that, sometimes its a matter of relaxing and giving up. I am speaking from experience on that one. You need a drunken holiday with the hubby! 😉 xx

    • Muddling Along

      Wrong time of the month, I’m not desperate just wanting

      There are various hormonal reasons why I can’t just relax and let it be, without a bit of help (and acupuncture is the thing that seemed to solve it) I can’t hang onto babies

      But you’re still right, we do need a drunken holiday! Or perhaps just a bit more time in the same place at the same time

  • I agree. Your space, and if people don’t like it they can move off the page. Love and a big cuddle to you.

  • You can write about anything you damn well like. sod em.

    Sending you fertilising and baby making thoughts. Love you lady x

    • Muddling Along

      Love you too!

      And fertilising thoughts not needed just this moment (not least because Mr is in a different country)… can I tweet you when I need them???

  • Oh my, if people are offended by you writing about the agony of trying to conceive, you could apply this to anything. It is agony. Yes, I guess it’s worse when you don’t have children yet because there’s the question mark if you can actually have children at all, but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard when you already have children. It took us a long while to conceive #2 and I feel for you, the disappointment every month, the question how much longer you can go through the highs and lows of each month before it becomes too much. I peed on sticks too, and took temperature, the whole thing. And fell pregnant the month where I was sure I hadn’t even ovulated, the one month I was sure that I couldn’t possibly be pregnant. So there you go, ovulation sticks, me arse. Every pregnancy is a miracle, a blessing and I hope it’ll happen for you soon! x

    • Muddling Along

      My cycle is rather wonky and the acupuncture moves things around rather a lot so I have to use things like that to ensure we hit the spot as it were – I’d rather not and just sit back and relax but with each of the others its been a much more scientific approach that has actually let me conceive and keep the babies

      Fortunately I’m lucky that Mr Muddling is on board and yes, we both believe that another baby will be a blessing and a miracle (and then there’s the whole worries about another pregnancy like Littler’s but that is a whole other post)

  • Liz

    Personally I would spend the money used on ovulation test kits
    On a nice bottle of red & some tasty food, and enjoy lots
    And lots of sex 🙂

    You’ve got plenty of love to give so why not share it around
    Your 3rd child is gonna be lucky .

    Enjoy the journey , I know easier said & all

    • Muddling Along

      For us the technology is needed, we’re doing things to try and extend my cycle long enough so I can implant a baby and so those silly little things are sadly necessary (but fortunately I’ve found a place where the bottle of red they could buy would be very nasty indeed)

      And I am doing things to share the love, I’ve taken on another volunteer role which hopefully will help spread some of my luck into somewhere it can help

  • Just here with a cuddle. Your blog, your voice, your feelings, all very valid in your space.

    I shall knit you a lucky sperm, my dear. And hope you get some good news very soon. Much love x

    • Muddling Along

      Please please please can you knit me a lucky sperm and I shall keep it under the pillow or the mattress

      Thank you and the your blog, your voice does matter to me – I’ve not been able to properly voice myself recently whilst I’ve held back and that has been hard

      Thank you xxx

  • I really feel for you. I can’t imagine what it’s like waiting every month, and every month being disappointed. So sorry hun.

    M2Mx

    • Muddling Along

      Silly thing is that its sort of like trying is cumulative, the time trying for Bigger plus the time trying for Littler plus now this… rubbish but I’m very lucky that I do have the two of them already

  • hi honey,

    really hope the tide turns for you.

    sending fertile thoughts

    xxxx

  • Like others say, this is your space and you have the right to write about whatever you fancy 🙂 Sending positive vibes to you.xoxo

  • Don’t ever worry about offending people on your blog. It’s your place to write what you want about how you feel. People should be mature enough to shut the page down if what they read is upsetting them.

    I am sure it WILL happen for you soon. It must be extra frustrating not being able to conceive after having children already, simply because you want to know what’s going wrong this time that worked before. Sending you hugs and fertiltiy vibes. In the meantime just remember things happen for a reason and make sure you spend this time having a fantastic time with your two children and doing all the things that would be harder to do if you had a little baby with you. And of course make sure you spend the time doing it like bunnies!!

  • You feel how you feel and of course you should write about it here if you want to. I’m channeling many baby vibes your way, I hope they soon work their magic!

  • Just wanted to send you luck and say don’t feel bad for how you feel – you are allowed to really want to have another child, and to feel sad when it takes time to happen, even if you have children already.

    I really do hope it happens for you soon.

  • Oh I do remember that feeling. It always takes me ages to get pregnant as well (two years being the longest) but I am always too lazy to do the temperature taking etc. I think Belgian doctors are a bit against that anyway, the theory being it would be too stressful and stress is bad for conception. My advice: get completely sloshed roundabout the right time and shag each other’s brains out. You’re welcome. 🙂

  • I have just the one child (you can read my post about an only child if you like). It took a lot of coming to terms with but I can now honestly say that there is nothing missing in my life. I hope you get the results you are dreaming of soon.

    • Muddling Along

      One thing that writing this down has made me realise is that there is a limit to how long I’m going to be trying for – I do afterall have a great family as it is and anything over and above this will be a blessing (or a nightmare to be fair, there is still a big part of me that is a bit eep about it all)

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