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The Friday Rant Club – why does everyone assume its women that don’t want sex

If I had a penny for every time I’ve read something about relationships where the underlying message is that in order for your relationship to survive, you little lady need to just lie back and think of England because when you do it’ll fix everything, I’d be able to buy out the contents of Agent Provocateur. 

The assumption being that all men are perpetually gagging for it and frustrated by the fact that all women seem to go off sex at some point.
Um hello!

Yes do you see me over here!

Yes the one frantically waving and trying to get your attention?

Well actually that isn’t always the case and you know what, I’m heartily sick of the suggestion that I’m someone using sex as a way of manipulating my marriage and that perhaps if I just popped on some sexy undies all of that side of things would magically get better.

You know what, it isn’t actually like that in this patch of the real world.
Over here I’m the one that is getting rebuffed and trying to persuade my partner to lie back and enjoy it.

I don’t think I’m particularly over-sexed (is there such a thing?) and I don’t think that Mr Muddling is particularly under-sexed, its just that there’s a bit of an imbalance that sometimes has me wondering if I’m the only woman in this situation and statistically I know that I can’t be.

I like sex, lots of women do.  I like sex with my husband (I hope that lots of other women don’t do that) and I would like more.  Not necessarily a lot more, just more.  And the not having as much as you want has the unfortunate consequence of making you think about it more.  Its sort of like a like a libido virtuous circle.  Or it would be if it didn’t mean that I’m unfulfilled and obsessed.

And I don’t want to be made to feel that I’m alone in this. 
Wider world you need to remember that there are women out there climbing the walls in frustration at their husband’s lack of interest – its not as simple as all men want more sex and all women want less.

Life is just not that clear cut.
End of rant.


The Friday Rant Club is a chance to get those niggles, those irritants, those things that make you want to throw a toddler-stylee tantrum off your chest before the weekend.

Go on, let it all out and if you feel like it there’s a rather nice little button over there on the right to show you that you’re part of the team

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18 comments to The Friday Rant Club – why does everyone assume its women that don’t want sex

  • There are a million wise things to be raised about how women are discussed in terms of sex, how we are characterised as not wanting it and stigmatised if we do (either damaged or predatory – eg cougars!).

    It plays into motherhood and birth so much too – the new mother characterised as terrified of sex or totally disinterested, and yet the help for those injured or traumatised but would quite like to is limited, actually.

    • Muddling Along

      Don’t even start to get me onto the whole cougar thing – makes me want to get very cross indeed

      I have been lucky, in terms of fixing the damage of Littler’s fast birth, and actually it was the relationship impact of that which has ultimately helped me get to a place where I feel utterly fine with my sexuality and who I am. Just wish other people could do the same

  • You’re definately not alone. DEFINATELY! I love it and miss it when I don’t have it. Am I over-sexed too? I don’t think so. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting, desiring the man you love. I have been in a long-term sexless relationship and I felt as if I was fading away, as if my very vitality was melting away. In my case I found that vacuum left room for desire for others – something I’m not proud of – although I never carried through on those temptations. Our stressful pace of life must carry a lot of the blame for dimming desire, in both men and women. One thing I did find somewhat ironic was when I was single, the single guys I knew found sex whenever they wanted it, but single women were actively discouraged from doing so. Unfair!

    • Muddling Along

      Being told I couldn’t have sex for months and months whilst pregnant (and whilst dealing with hugely increased pregnancy libido) was a bit of a challenge to say the least…

      I’ve been meaning to blog about the mojo recovery thing and realised a while back that if I was comfortable with sex and everything worked then that was a good first step

      The double standard you mention drives me nuts – why oh why?

  • Annicles

    It’s the old woman as virgin/slut thing isn’t it. Either they are pure and virginal or have sex and therefore sluttish. Even women who are married are sluttish for enjoying/wanting sex. The flip side is that she is a tease or frigid if she isn’t in the mood.

    Other cultures have a far better view of it. I’m Jewish and I was taught that it is the husband’s duty to fulfil his wife as often as she desires. Sex is normal in marriage and it is a god-given gift for couples to enjoy. There’s no virgin/slut nonsense there!

    • Muddling Along

      That sounds a whole lot more balanced – I very much appreciate that whole husband having a responsibility for the sexual health of the marriage – much much more balanced

  • I do think it’s some women, too, who make it sound as if women don’t like sex as a rule. It always makes me feel a bit sad for them.

    • Muddling Along

      I feel desperately sad for them, not least because I wonder what their lives are really like that they need to use sex as a bargaining tool

  • I always struggle a bit when women say they don’t do sex, don’t do bjs, don’t do whatever. It’s like there’s a conspiracy to piss off their partners by withholding and I can’t tell whether it’s an “in joke” for women I don’t get or genuine dislike of intimacy.

    For me, sex is the cement in the brick wall of a marriage.

    • Muddling Along

      I love that analogy – sex for me is like another form of communication within a marriage

      And the using sex as a bargaining tool thing does seem very strange to me

  • Pre kids i def wanted it more than mr northern did.

    i am now exacting my revenge….

  • Family affairs

    Poor u. I remember that situation and the feeling of rejection it engendered xx

    • Muddling Along

      I’ve got myself to a happy place with it all (and no, I haven’t found myself an energetic young lover!) – horrid to happen for a long time and to be continually rejected

  • Great post.
    I’ve read a lot of women who feel the same as you. In fact i think i think i’m surrounded by you over-sexed wantons ;<) only kidding. I don't think there's any male/female rule where it's the man that's usually being "denied". (ugh, i hate that concept, like sex is right, a product of some kind). i think it's just the dynamics between two people and it's very common for there to be a difference in sex drives and desires.


    • Muddling Along

      Am happy to admit to being oversexed (as long as there are other people I can be in good company with lol)

      I think we don’t talk enough about how the pressures of modern life impact the libido and how it does influence men and women very differently and how the whole imbalance thing can have wider issues within a relationship

  • Here! Here! I have a post in the back of my head that circles around a very similar topic. It just pisses me off, frankly. And I agree with Mwa, unfortunately a lot of women give the impression that this was the way of the world.

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