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A downward spiral of loathing

I know that unless I do something to stop this tailspin bad things will happen – that unless I do something significant this is the start of a path that has an inevitable end.

 

That its not a question of if, its a question of when.  Or at least that is how it feels.  I do hope not.

 

Because that is the way it has always been and I can now recognise that there is a downwards spiral and that sometimes I can pull out before I hit the ground as it were.

 

The black dog has been snapping at my heels recently but I’ve been able to keep it away.  But it just takes a little thing to throw things off balance and to give it a chance of rampaging around.

 

I’ve been doing all the right things – meeting friends, running, trying to focus on the good and not dwell on the bad.  I’ve even taken LCM’s advice and made sure I’m doing lots of running.

 

But yes I have been unhappy.

 

Unhappy being a code word for regularly so overwhelmed by it all that I have sat in the car, night after night, in the station carpark having a damn good cry before putting the car into gear and driving home.  Goodness only knows what my fellow commuters think, although I suspect that they either haven’t noticed in the tunnel vision that commuting creates or feel much the same way themselves.

 

And yes there are reasons why I have been low but I am not the first or the last person who has had that to deal with and yes, it would have been better if I could have explained to my boss why I was the team misery.

 

But life carries on, I have to find a way to lift myself out of this work induced fog of misery and move on.

 

I took this last week off to be with the girls – we’ve doing lots of fun things and I’ve tried to find a way back to remembering the things I enjoy and the way to find space for them in my life.  And a way to try and stop this spiral before it gets any worse – I’m already picking the edges of my fingers raw which is a bad sign.

 

And it is not helped by the worries that come from the whole new knackered nethers thing – that an unfortunate side effect of it all is a return to incontinent places I’d rather not be and a reminder about how Mr and I deal so differently with difficulties and worries.

 

And then there is the anxiety about work, about going back to it, about nothing happening about my request to work slightly less.  And the awful worry about how the girls will react when they realise that I am not about next week – because nothing I can say in advance ever makes up for the horror of trying to walk away on a Monday morning.

 

It will get better.  It will.  Hopefully.   Or at least I may get inspiration on how to deal with this.

 

But for the moment I’m lacking inspiration, I wish I had a fairy godmother to wave a wand and make it right.
I’m being terribly demanding – I need a hero, I need a fairy godmother, in fact I just need things to be better.

 

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30 comments to A downward spiral of loathing

  • Just wait for tomorrow darling girl. That’s all you need to do. Just wait for tomorrow. Don’t fix it all today. Don’t come up with a plan. Don’t even attempt to solve these problems. Go to bed and to sleep. Tomorrow will be better. At the very least it will be clearer. You do have my new mobile number don’t you? I’ll send it to you by email. Hang in there. Tomorrow you will be able to evaluate and make some changes, but it’s late now, go to bed and rest. Vix xx

    • Muddling Along

      Tomorrow is better – getting it down has helped, ok its not perfect but step by baby step (and having explained to Mr why it was all so upsetting on Saturday has at least helped that bit)

  • I just wanted to say I’ve been here and read this and am thinking of you…life is so difficult sometimes but I hope you get through that fog and quickly. xx

  • Hugs. No clever words, no magic wands, no solutions, just hugs.

  • Caroljs

    I just want to give you a huge hug and then tell you to seek real help. Take it from someone who was is in denial for many years about her depression there are people out there that can help you. You sit in your car and cry, well I sit on my stairs and do the same. Life is complicated enough without adding depression to it. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you x

    • Muddling Along

      Thanks Carol – its funny how sometimes the coping mechanisms just fall away and you suddenly have to face up to things

  • Bumbling

    I hadn’t read this before we spoke. But hope I was a welcome distraction and we’ll make plans for fun, eh?

    Sending mountains of strength to help you through that Monday morning.

    xxx

  • I don’t know what to say darling, I’m so sorry you are struggling. Darling, you know that sitting in your car each day and crying really isn’t normal – maybe it is time to get some professional help? someone to talk it all through with? Sending you positive vibes and much love.

  • nikhk

    You know what you were saying yesterday about not being a hero and getting pain relief when you need it? Well, same goes for mental health. Go see your GP, a counsellor, whatever works for you. Don’t try to ne a hero and soldier on on your own.

    Big hugs. Be gentle with yourself.

  • Just a big hug to you. And remember this too will pass. I hope you find some more balance in your life. Big kiss.

  • Thinking of you. Def agree with clever people who say you should talk to someone who can really help you get off the path you are on…xxx

  • [hug] It all sounds utterly overwhelming. You definitely need some help .

    And if I win the lottery I’ll fund an assassin for your miserable boss. Joke. Honest..

  • oh lovely person…this isn’t right at all. As others have said, sitting in your car and crying isn’t right or normal and can’t continue. Does your husband read your blog..I’m sure he’d be desperately concerned about you if he did? Could you show him? Sounds like it’s too much for one person alone to bear, and that’s what husband’s are for.

    Lots of love…worried for you xx

    • Muddling Along

      Thanks Spud – I guess I’m just rubbish at asking for help and for admitting I can’t cope

      Don’t worry – admitting that things are perfect is the first step to getting things back on balance again

  • Redbedhead

    to you. You have so much on your plate it isn’t surprising you feel overwhelmed sometimes. Take care of yourself xxx

  • Muddling Along

    Will reply to you all shortly but writing it all down has really helped – feel better and lighter just having admitted that life is a mess right now

    Think the main problem is that there is just so much happening that I can’t control and I’m not good with so much scrabbling to try and get a grip on things

    Thank you for all the lovely comments x

  • You are doing the best you can, putting one foot infront of the other. Try to make a list of the things that you can not change and the things that you can. Then you slowly need to understand that the things you can not change will never change, so you have to change the way you look at them. Is work going to ever get better? If not when is the best time to admit that you need to either accept it and carryon regardless or make the change yourself and find a new job.

    I have always said without the meds and the CBT, I wouldnt be here and I would never have got them without MadDad realising just how bad in was.

  • Sending you another big hug. Being honest with your feelings and getting them out is the first step to tackling this. You strike me a wonderful, capable woman and mother but you are human too so don’t beat yourself up for that. You will kick this in the bum, just ask for all the help, hugs, etc. you need in the process until the mist lifts. xx

  • I hope you feel a little better for writing this and that it has enabled you to take stock. I’d agree with the others, that you should get some help. We’re all here too, wishing you well. Hugs x

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