I’m sick of being capable, of coping, of being self reliant.
I realise that this is a problem of my own making but you know what yah boo sucks!
You know what, I want looking after. I want a knight in shining armour to come and rescue me. I want to be rescued and coddled and to be that delicate flower of a thing that brings out the protective streak in men.
Today has not been a good day.
My body is falling apart at the seams. For the last few months my slightly dodgy cervix has decided to be even less of a team player. Cells from the inside of my womb have decided that they’d like to travel and to see the world and so have spread over my cervix. Its not unusual but it does mean that any ‘blunt trauma’ or well, having sex because to be fair how else would you end up with a cervix with blunt trauma… actually stop there… but anyway it means it bleeds, a lot, and hurts and well wondering if sex end up with a blood bath is a little disconcerting.
So I had it cauterised a couple of months ago and that didn’t work. Wasn’t fun, wasn’t enjoyable and in the end wasn’t worth it.
So today I took myself off to see a proper consultant.
And found myself in a backless hospital gown, legs in stirrups with a man looking at my cervix through what looked like a pair of binoculars.
And who then swabbed it with ascorbic acid.
Which was not a lot of fun.
And then took cells for a biopsy.
And then to top it off froze it with carbon dioxide, twice. That bit was incredibly unpleasant. But being British and capable I spent the whole time breathing deeply and trying to make polite conversation whilst the nurse kept patting my shoulder ineffectually.
Top tip – when they offer you a local anaesthetic take it, don’t be a hero, don’t think you can be strong and not need it. Just take the drugs and don’t sit and endure. I obviously didn’t take this advice. If someone tells me I’ve had two drug free deliveries for my babies and so I won’t need something I listen to them. Forgetting that childbirth is a different thing and that at the time if I could, I’d have given an arm for pain relief.
But because I am strong and capable I find myself at home alone this afternoon after all of that, on my own for four or so hours with the girls and really not feeling up to it. Not feeling up to anything at all.
I’m tearful, I’m uncomfortable, I want to be hugged and reassured and comforted and made a fuss of. I want somebody to wrap me in cotton wool and make this all better. I at least want someone to be here with me and not off collecting car parts. Yes I know I could have insisted at the last moment that he shouldn’t go but how could I?
So can somebody please send me a hero, someone with superpowers who can make this all better, who can take care of me and soothe my unhappiness.