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What to do when they don’t want you

There are better ways to start the day than with Bigger screaming that she ‘don’t want you Mummy, no don’t give me a cuddle!’ and pushing me away, throwing herself onto the bed and refusing to kiss me goodbye.

Especially when you’ve spent the whole of the night since she woke with night terrors at 10.30pm cuddling her close, unable to move away from having your arm under her neck without her stirring and screaming for you.

When you’ve spent a night trying to calm away terrors and anxiety and make bad things good.

But it appears in the cold light of day you are unwanted, pushed away and refused.

Yes, she’s always preferred Daddy. Daddy is fun, Daddy gives in, Daddy let’s her do things that I don’t but it still doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

And how do you cope?

How do you deal with the rejection?

How do you damp down your own feelings of upset and carry on without resenting being pushed away in favour of Daddy?

How do you explain to a toddler that you do love her even if she doesn’t love you?

How do you go to work without feeling rubbish, unwanted, unloved and exhausted physically and emotionally?

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12 comments to What to do when they don’t want you

  • Redbedhead

    She is only doing it because she feels secure with you and knows that you love her and won’t reject her. We always treat those we love the worst.

    Still, it really sucks when it happens. I have been on the receiving end of it a few times, as has H. The last time with H it lasted a week and he ended up sobbing on the Friday night as he found it so upsetting. True to form by Saturday morning she would only have Daddy do things for her and Mummy was the bad guy!

    • Muddling Along

      Oh your poor H – she’s never been like it with Daddy which I guess is what makes it harder

      Its nice to hear that its because she feels safe – which is a good thing, even if the process is rotten for me!

  • I have no advice, I’m just glad I read this today as we had a very similar situation last night and it hit me hard. Let me know when you find out how to go about this!

    • Muddling Along

      Wish I had a magic wand and a solution – just seems like it is what it is. Currently trying to explain that it hurts me if she says she doesn’t like me or doesn’t want me but also trying to respect her boundaries… we shall see

  • You poor thing – that would really upset me too. I think all moms and daughters go through that stage at some point. Glass of wine might help? (for you, not her) (lol) XOL

  • Of course she loves you! It’s only because she feels sure enough of your love that she ‘dares’ to reject you. (((hugs)))

    • Muddling Along

      Thank you – obviously I hadn’t thought of it like that

      I don’t want to be a clingy parent but three seems just so terribly young to be rejecting me!

  • I think she does it because she needs you,only she doesn’t know how to reconnect yet. Have you read L.Cohen’s Playful Parenting? He addresses such issues,one of the best parenting books I have ever read.

  • I seriously have the solution to this one! Play hard to get. As soon as you act all aloof and distant, the little bastards come running! I swear it works.

  • Bumbling

    I’m with Mwa!! Moo is like this with Daddy and with Nanny, both of whom are keen to impress her. Papa, on the other hand, who sits in his armchair and doesn’t run around after her, giving her her every desire, gets showered in affection.

    But Moo generally is fussy with giving out her affection anyway. She won’t give kisses to anyone – me included (and she’s a mummy’s girl) if she’s not in the mood, or doesn’t want to, and she’d much rather you chased her to *steal* a kiss (back to Mwa’s point!).

    I do feel for you though. I know Daddy in particular finds it really difficult, and Nanny stormed off the other day when a tired and cranky Moo threw a mini tantrum because nanny was holding her cup of milk instead of Mummy…

    As my sister says: “Kids? They’re all b******s!”

    And in answer to your questions about explaining? You don’t. You just keep showing her you love her. She knows, as everyone else has said. She’s secure enough that she knows she can assert her independence with you without fearing that you’ll leave her.

    Much love xxx

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