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Of periods, pregnancy tests, unknown hopes & moving on

I have made no secret of the fact that I would like another baby.

On a pure emotional level, for some reason, I don’t feel that my family is finished.

On a more hard headed level, I worry about how we would cope with another difficult pregnancy, about how we would cope with another dose of the newborn hell and about how we would cope with three rather than two.

We’ve got ourselves to a place where we have agreed I’m going to go out and have a lot of fun, to get the ‘me’ back before we consider doing it again – we recognise that two so close together was hard, that emotionally the last three years have taken an awful lot out of us and there is a need for a pause before going down the baby path again.

Unfortunately my body didn’t get that memo, the one where we set this all out.

Unfortunately my body decided that it would do its own thing and have a go at seeing what would happen.  Because you see we weren’t trying, we just weren’t not trying and if you’re only having the occasional roll in the hay, it seems churlish to stop mid roll to sort out contraception.  I know, we really should know better.

Except you see, I have a short luteal phase so the only times I’ve got and stayed pregnant were with a bit of assistance from my favourite acupuncturist.

That’s a phase I never thought I’d write.

But to cut a long story short after a set of bad experiences with cheapy early pregnancy tests getting my hopes up (you know, the ones you can buy in bulk without any frills and stuff, the ones where you don’t mind testing a million times because it still costs less than the price of one bog standard test) and then slightly late and heavier periods, I decided not to test until I was absolutely sure I was pregnant.  With Bigger this meant I had a spent a day throwing up before Mr suggested it was time to test, and then I found out I was 4 weeks more pregnant than I realised.

But anyway, I digress.

Its funny, looking back.

I started feeling sick before Christmas and Mr pointed out that the only time I felt sick was when I was pregnant.  I didn’t have a pregnancy test so I peed on an ovulation test which came back positive.  Hmmmmmm could be pregnant, could be ovulating.  Still felt sick.  And rushed off my feet at work so never got time to go and buy a proper test and then I stopped feeling sick.  And thought no more about it in the Christmas rush.

Fast forward to 10 days ago.

Stood up to get off the train at my home station only to have a flood of blood.  Enough to soak my trousers to the knees.  Not much I could do so got to my car, found a plastic bag and drove home.  At home stripped off, looked at the clots in my knickers and knew exactly what had happened.

I mean you do, don’t you?

So I had a bath, had a cry and stood up too soon as I got out of the bath only to have more of the same.

24 hours later I’d been to see the doctor, taken the pregnancy test that showed that I was pregnant but to be honest there seemed no point in going for a scan – my body was doing its job and moving on.
So I wallowed for a night.  Too much red wine, a good cry and then some horrid cramps as everything sorted itself out.

And so on with life.

Because you know what, after everything we went through with Littler I know this is the right thing.  I’m lucky, I never knew until it was almost over that I was pregnant.  Its funny to take a pregnancy test knowing that its just confirming that you aren’t pregnant still.

I’m not wailing or sad mostly because nature knows better.  Which is not to say that there isn’t a small part of me that is sad – not for a baby that wasn’t really ever anything more than a hope I never knew.

But good things come out of most things.

This has at least crystallised the fact that both Mr and I know that we want another.

Not now but sometime soon.

And maybe it won’t happen, maybe we’ll leave it too late.  But you know what, I’m ok with that.  And yes I will be making an appointment to see the my acupuncturist just as soon as we get to a place where we’re ready to start thinking about No3 – no point in not making sure that we do this properly.

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27 comments to Of periods, pregnancy tests, unknown hopes & moving on

  • Oh lovie, I’m so sorry. What a tough thing to happen, although I’m sure good will come out of it as you say…nothing like having something taken away to make you realise it’s what you REALLY want. but it’s a horrible experience and the sadness will linger for a while I’m sure.

    Well, good luck for when the time is right. I also have a v short luteal phase but oddly it made no difference to getting pregnant immediately both times. Don’t be fooled or rely on a short luteal phase!

    Lots and lots of love, Spud xxxxxx

  • Sorry to hear such sad news. It’s strange how things are thrown our way to test us. Good luck for when you do decide to give it another go.

  • I’m so sorry, but glad you (and your body) are getting in sync and thinking about what you want for the future. Big hugs xxxx

  • Flaf

    Oh lovely lady, what a hard thing to happen. I’m so sorry to hear about it. I wish you all the happiness you deserve for the rest of the year, you’ve certainly had an unbelievably hard time of late. Good luck to you, Mr MA and the acupuncturist x

  • What a brave post – and thank you for posting it.

    My sister-in-law went through the same last week and I’ve had a bit of a hard time knowing what to say or do as I’m 8 months pregnant and it all feels a little awkward. I know that’s silly but it’s just a bit weird between us.

    This post has helped me a bit as I know she too has found the experience tough but that it has confirmed that a baby is what she and my brother really want. It’s just helped me come to terms with it, which sounds selfish but I was at a bit of a loss myself because she won’t talk about it with me.

    So thank you and I’m so sorry. Best wishes for the future too and I hope all goes well when you are ready 🙂

    Carole
    xxxxxxx

  • Big hugs and I hope you’re doing ok xx

  • In between small and smallest I had three miscarriages. It is horrid, utterly depressing. I got to thinking I wasn’t ever going to stay pregnant, and had been referred for investigation into secondary infertility, only to get pregnant with smallest when the appointment came through.

    I’m glad that you are only a little sad – I hope things work out for you when you’re ready.

  • OMG darling. Big hug! Must have been terrible but great that you are now so sure!
    Better get that drink in hadn’t we 😉 xx

  • mrs lister

    I’m very sorry for your loss. As Spudballoo said above something good will come out of it and hopefully the sadness won’t linger for too long.

    xx

  • I am so so sorry for your loss. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  • So sorry you’ve had to go through this. I hope you are doing OK. It is good that it’s made you both realise exactly how you feel about everything now. I am sure you have an amazing future ahead of you.

  • I realise this is perhaps a bit of an odd post on which to introduce myself as a new reader and fan of your blog, but couldn’t let it go past without saying something. So ‘hello!’ first and can I send you a great big e-hug? I’m glad you say you don’t feel too sad and you sound incredibly sensible and sorted but I was on the verge of tears reading this.

    I know what you mean about it making you more certain of what you want – had a similar experience a few months before getting pg with my now 6mo and thats what I took from it too. good luck for when you are ready and enjoy your time until then. x

  • I am sorry to hear that. And if, at a certain point, you should feel like crying and wailing about it, this could be the place. Or you could give me a shout and we’ll go out together for a glass of wine (crying and wailing optional). Big hugs, Dxx

  • I’m so sorry to hear your news, we lost our first baby a bit later but in a similar way. Love and massive Hugs to you xx

  • Big hugs to you. I guess it’s really good that this sad event has given you some clarity, but it’s never a good thing to happen (been there too).
    Hope the next time the pregnancy test is positive you’ll have a fabulous pregnancy!

  • I am so sorry for your loss, if you ever need to chat about it, just let me know. I have been there far too many times and also had the HG too

  • So sorry for the sad news, but glad to hear there is at least a positive decision that has come out of it.
    x

  • Oh I’m so very sorry. I always admire your honest posts, even when some of them are hard to read. I also admire your desire for a third because I have had a similar experience over the last three years and I cannot do it again. It is wonderful that a positive from this situation is that you both know you want the same thing. Thank you for letting us in on your grief. I am thinking of you x

  • Babes. I’m so sorry. You are a beautiful, strong, fabulous woman with such a big heart and a joy to know. I am sending you all my love. Wish I was there to give you a big hug and take you out for a roaring night on the town. Love you xxx

  • Massive, massive hugs. Miscarriages are horrid, shitty, stupidly emotional times, I know. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t realise that you were carrying, you still know what you’ve lost.

    Thinking of you, and also feeling a little guilty that it may have been the night I remarked on the size of your wine glass.

  • Really sorry to hear this happened. S xxx

  • Oh I’m sorry about that. I’ve had that happen a couple of times and I know the feeling of glad I didn’t know/sad I lost it. I hope you manage to get pregnant quickly and successfully when you decide you’re ready!

  • Just catching up on some blog reading, and this has stopped me right in my tracks. I’m so, so sorry lovely. Not really much else to say, apart from that I think you’re amazing for being so positive about it. x

  • Aly

    I’m really sorry Hannah.Just catching up too.Hope you see someone about your loss it helps to prepare you for when you get pregnant again x

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