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You just do what you have to do…

Its funny

I know I’ve said that it was a bit tough with Littler being a touch on the high needs side of things.

But as anyone else knows, you do what you have to do and you get through.  You survive.  You carry on.  You assume that you are coping and doing ok.

Except that you discover later on that perhaps actually things weren’t quite as under control as you thought they were.  Only that incredibly the wider world never realised.

I know that this time last year I wasn’t getting a whole bunch of sleep.
And I was still nursing a lot of the time.

And Littler was still very reluctant to be put down at all.

But you know what, I thought I had it all under control.

But it turns out that I didn’t.

In fact it turns out that I have zero recollection of dealing with the Inland Revenue and the fact they accidentally gave me two tax references and the fact they had deleted one.

Blank.  Utterly blank.  Although when tested, vague memory possibly.  But vague at best.

So I now find myself sat to do this year’s tax return discovering that the Inland Revenue deleted the account I’ve used for years and I now have to frantically try and get a new set of logins set up before the end of the month.  Thank goodness I tried to file my return a few weeks before the deadline.

The only worry is that what else have I lost in the fug of high needs babydom.

In fact, the greater worry is at what point did I start to emerge from the fug.

How long did I think I was coping when I barely managing to survive?

How much have I missed?  How much have I lost?

In fact there are things I’ve missed and I regret – my sister’s wedding so soon after Littler was born, my brother getting engaged and so much of Bigger’s life whilst I must have been in the fug.

And then there is the realisation that if nobody else realised that I was a walking zombie that perhaps it explains where Mr and I are.

Perhaps he though I was doing ok, since everyone seems to have thought I was ok, perhaps he didn’t realise just how far into the fug I was.

Perhaps my veneer of coping was too good?

Perhaps people just didn’t realise how little was keeping it together and the cost of trying to do that?

You know what, I really wish I could turn the clock back and get those months back.  I really do.

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11 comments to You just do what you have to do…

  • I can only sympathise. I’m still very definitely in the fug and pretending to cope. I’m even pretending to cope on my blog because my mother reads it. I wish I could get it back. I feel bad for the girls, for my relationship with my husband. I feel sorry for myself too. I’m so sad for you that I’m crying.

    • Muddling Along

      And that is why I am SOOOOOOO glad that no family reads my blog – I know exactly how you feel, its like I lost a year of my life and then there’s the time I lost to the horror pregnancy and the hyperemesis.

      I have missed so much of Bigger’s time and those early days with Littler – oh heck, at least its getting better now

      Sending best wishes – this too shall pass

      • That’s what you have to focus on : it’s getting better, you have photos of the early days, and this WILL pass. Plus you’ll undoubtedly forget the now as they get older too: my mother can’t remember a damn thing from my childhood.

  • God, sorry, not helpful or suppportive in any way. Thank goodness you did get organised to do your tax return…it reminds me I need to sort mine. I hope you feel better soon. I have been advised by a friend with a 16 month gap between children, who is about 6 months ahead of me, that it will get better soon.i don’t know whether that helps, but i hope so. I’ll be quiet now.

  • I could have written this. I emerged from Claud’s fug when she was about 26 months old and felt sad to have lost 2 years of her life, and of her brother’s, who is only 18 months older.

    She still doesn’t reliably sleep, but it’s getting better and I am slowly recovering. I’m glad I took a lot of photos because other than that my memory of that time is very very patchy.

    Hugs xx

    • Muddling Along

      Hahaha reliable sleep? Well tonight we are experimenting with Littler’s door being closed and going back to a baby monitor to see if we’re disturbing her & perhaps its just we need to walk a lot quieter… Oh and we took lots of photos – thank goodness, at least there is a record

  • I came out of my fog when the girls were about 1 years. Thankfully they have always been pretty good sleepers but boy did it take it’s toll pretending to be supermum to a 4 year old and two under 1’s.

    I hope your experiment tonight goes well and Littler starts to sleep real good.

    Mich x

  • Ah, the fug. I look at pictures of me now holding the baby girl when she was tiny and have NO RECOLLECTION. None. Things definitely come back but I still think sleep deprivation is the root of all evil. Hugs and hoping you get some sleep x

  • I remember what this was like with one and the thought of having a second terrifies me right now. But we are in it and I fully expect to completely forget the next year to eighteen months of my life. I will keep the camera on hand and hope that by blogging I can capture a little bit of it! I hope things are better for you soon x

  • […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Lorraine Williams and Hannah, Rachael Ince. Rachael Ince said: And this is why it's so important to teach a baby to sleep: “@MuddlingAlong: Blogging: http://tinyurl.com/45mdo4o” […]

  • Eh? (I’m in the fug.)

    Maybe I should let my husband read this. (Another sigh…)

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