But as anyone else knows, you do what you have to do and you get through. You survive. You carry on. You assume that you are coping and doing ok.
Except that you discover later on that perhaps actually things weren’t quite as under control as you thought they were. Only that incredibly the wider world never realised.
I know that this time last year I wasn’t getting a whole bunch of sleep.
And I was still nursing a lot of the time.
And Littler was still very reluctant to be put down at all.
But you know what, I thought I had it all under control.
But it turns out that I didn’t.
In fact it turns out that I have zero recollection of dealing with the Inland Revenue and the fact they accidentally gave me two tax references and the fact they had deleted one.
Blank. Utterly blank. Although when tested, vague memory possibly. But vague at best.
So I now find myself sat to do this year’s tax return discovering that the Inland Revenue deleted the account I’ve used for years and I now have to frantically try and get a new set of logins set up before the end of the month. Thank goodness I tried to file my return a few weeks before the deadline.
The only worry is that what else have I lost in the fug of high needs babydom.
In fact, the greater worry is at what point did I start to emerge from the fug.
How long did I think I was coping when I barely managing to survive?
How much have I missed? How much have I lost?
In fact there are things I’ve missed and I regret – my sister’s wedding so soon after Littler was born, my brother getting engaged and so much of Bigger’s life whilst I must have been in the fug.
And then there is the realisation that if nobody else realised that I was a walking zombie that perhaps it explains where Mr and I are.
Perhaps he though I was doing ok, since everyone seems to have thought I was ok, perhaps he didn’t realise just how far into the fug I was.
Perhaps my veneer of coping was too good?
Perhaps people just didn’t realise how little was keeping it together and the cost of trying to do that?
You know what, I really wish I could turn the clock back and get those months back. I really do.