Tricky one this.
Not sure about posting it here.
Not sure at all.
But I need some input, some guidance and to draw on your experiences. Please.
I think that I may have been lied to.
I think I may have been manipulated in the best ‘pull the middle class heart strings’ way.
I’m not saying that the underlying facts were wrong but that someone has taken advantage and used an emotionally charged situation to pull a fast one.
And this is someone in a position of trust in our lives.
And the only reason I know is because of the dreaded internet… which does make the whole thing a touch tricky.
Not least because I only really know because I accidentally logged into the wrong Facebook account, I accidentally saw things that I probably shouldn’t have, that could have been taken out of context.
You see none of these little things are big on their own, its just a cumulative impact.
Its being unable to believe that there really is a crash on the motorway every Monday morning. Its being a little taken aback that someone is too ill to work and yet well enough to drive across from their Mum’s house to their boyfriends to stay over. Its being a little concerned that I don’t have enough information on what is going on at home and that whilst everything does hold up to scrutiny, its the fact that when tested my reaction is not initially to trust, to believe, to assume that it doesn’t have a problem.
And yes, a great deal of this probably has root in my worries over being away from the girls and in my issues around work and working but you know, I’m a whole lot more balanced about that and how its going to work out.
What I can’t seem to get away from is a nagging feeling that all is not right on the home front.
I guess what I want to know if I should be listening to this nagging worry or if its just my concerns playing me up and catching me unawares, if part of it is that now Bigger can say that she misses me and would prefer if I was about to play. Or if its just that the worry about Littler and dairy is because I know* that she wouldn’t have issues if I was here with her.
And yet I know that they are loved, that they enjoy being looked after by her, that there are some things that are working out really well.
Its just that there is this little niggling toxic issue and I have no idea what to do about it.
* ok so there’s no real way I can know this its just I guess that its different if your child ends up in A&E on your watch or whilst you’ve paid someone else to look after them.