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What do you do when you think you’ve been lied to?

Tricky one this.

Not sure about posting it here.

Not sure at all.

But I need some input, some guidance and to draw on your experiences.  Please.

I think that I may have been lied to.

I think I may have been manipulated in the best ‘pull the middle class heart strings’ way.

I’m not saying that the underlying facts were wrong but that someone has taken advantage and used an emotionally charged situation to pull a fast one.

And this is someone in a position of trust in our lives.

And the only reason I know is because of the dreaded internet… which does make the whole thing a touch tricky.

Not least because I only really know because I accidentally logged into the wrong Facebook account, I accidentally saw things that I probably shouldn’t have, that could have been taken out of context.

You see none of these little things are big on their own, its just a cumulative impact.

Its being unable to believe that there really is a crash on the motorway every Monday morning.  Its being a little taken aback that someone is too ill to work and yet well enough to drive across from their Mum’s house to their boyfriends to stay over.  Its being a little concerned that I don’t have enough information on what is going on at home and that whilst everything does hold up to scrutiny, its the fact that when tested my reaction is not initially to trust, to believe, to assume that it doesn’t have a problem.

And yes, a great deal of this probably has root in my worries over being away from the girls and in my issues around work and working but you know, I’m a whole lot more balanced about that and how its going to work out.

What I can’t seem to get away from is a nagging feeling that all is not right on the home front.

I guess what I want to know if I should be listening to this nagging worry or if its just my concerns playing me up and catching me unawares, if part of it is that now Bigger can say that she misses me and would prefer if I was about to play.  Or if its just that the worry about Littler and dairy is because I know* that she wouldn’t have issues if I was here with her.

And yet I know that they are loved, that they enjoy being looked after by her, that there are some things that are working out really well.
Its just that there is this little niggling toxic issue and I have no idea what to do about it.

* ok so there’s no real way I can know this its just I guess that its different if your child ends up in A&E on your watch or whilst you’ve paid someone else to look after them.

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18 comments to What do you do when you think you’ve been lied to?

  • Annabel G

    I think you’ve been cryptic enough to maintain the requisite amount of anonymity. Certainly I’ve no real idea what is truly worrying you. So, with that my best advice is that instincts are powerful for a reason. Of course they are fallible, but I think when you’ve been out and about in the world for a while they become honed and they shouldn’t be ignored.

    Big hug, I hope you can work it out, whatever it is x

    • Muddling Along

      You see that’s exactly it – I trust my instincts almost all of the time and yet here am questioning it whether it is the right thing

      Guess I’ve gone and answered my own question again

  • I’m not sure what the best thing to say is in this situation, since there cold be many justifiable reasons for action taken. That said, if someone is stupid enough to a) allegedly lie to you then post the truth on their FB and b) leave their FB page accessible, you have to wonder what else they would do! You hear so often of people being caught out because of their FB page that you would think people would be more guarded. I think though that, when it comes down to it, if you have *any* doubts at all about a person who is so close to your life then you won’t be able to rest. Particularly if it concerns your children. You know what you should do. And you know that you have my sympathy.

    • Muddling Along

      Thanks DG – I guess the biggest issue is that they both love her, they both enjoy being with her but I am having these niggles and they just aren’t going away

      Don’t want to go nuclear in case it impacts on the girls but just can’t see a good way to manage through. Oh heck

  • Oh that is so hard. Okay as an outsider my first questions is why were they updating Facebook on your computer whilst at work?. How much are they actually on the computer a day – you can get software to find out. Talk to Bigger in a non leading way (hard I know!) and ask about her day etc. If you don’t want to rock the boat for now, just keep your eyes and ears open. Hugs x

    • Muddling Along

      They both still have a good nap (an hour plus) each day so can understand that there is only so much time taken up with laundry, cooking and so on but still… have started hiding my computer so it doesn’t happen again but now she’s bringing her laptop in

      ARGH I guess fundamentally the dynamic isn’t working and I guess once you lose the trust it takes a hell of a lot to get it back

      • Why is she bringing her laptop to work? That would suggest to me that she is spending a large amount of time online.

        If she’s lying to you about being sick etc then the bottom line is that she’s unreliable. It’s a tough situation but you can either front her about it or take more drastic action.

  • I think you are right. Once you start doubting, those doubts will most likely grow. It’s like not raising an issue when you have the chance: the issue you have grows disproportionately. It’s tough when the girls are clearly devoted.

    • Muddling Along

      And part of the problem is that we our old Super Nanny is still in our lives and hating her new job… would be so easy to step back to the old ways despite there being issues there to

      And now is not a great time to find replacements

      Plan is now to have a strong chat with her and to see what we can fix and to be a bit more observant – hoping that it might help, or at least assuage worries

  • What about a really good flexible childminder?? Taking your children somewhere else can be a lot easier often and good for them on lots of levels. If I had doubts I would let her go and start again whatever the difficulties. Your children are the most valuable and important thing in your life and you must be certain and happy about it all. If you have lost trust, which you have then she must go.

  • Hi honey, its a really difficult, tricky situation. I know because I’ve been there. Once that feeling of mistrust creeps in you can do 2 things, stay quite and hope/pray you are wrong and its all in your mind or tackle it and get things out in the open. I’ve tried both routes. I now tend to prefer the get it out in the open. The thing you should trust is mummies in general have amazing instinct and gut feeling esp when it comes to their kids. It is also necessary every now and then to draw the line i.e your part of my ‘family’ but you are still ‘working’ for me and make clear your expectations and the boundary’s that are present. I hope you work it out. Its a horrible feeling thinking that you may not have made the best choice for your kids! I’ve been through many sleepless nights worrying about my own situation which after 12months has finally been sorted. Good Luck honey x

  • Since you are, rightly, holding this person to a higher standard, you must also ask yourself some honest questions before sitting down with her.

    – How much of this is my need to further prove the detriment of working and being away from the children?
    – Have my instincts helped or hindered me in the past?
    – How much of the hesitancy not to have a word is rooted in the bloody inconvenience of finding someone else?
    – Would starting again be such a bad thing at the start of a fresh year – no matter the inconvenience?
    – Fundamentally, do I trust this person?
    – Do I trust myself?
    – And in whom have the children placed their absolute and unmitigated trust?

    If you can be fearless in asking yourself the tough questions, someone who works for you should expect no less.

    Maybe it is true what the philosophers say. There are no accidents. Her leaving her FB account open and you sitting down and reading it thoroughly. No judgement. I’d have done the same thing. Only becomes right again if you tell her what happened and the concerns it has led to. It further ensures you get your power back and, thus, will empower you to have that open chat with her. Sending good vibes your way.

  • Tricky one. I’d love to put it as eloquently as Her Melness, but I can’t – thanks to a major headache.
    New year New Start sounds good to me. Talk to her, if it really bugs you. xx

  • I am totally confused what is going on her and I am normally good at reading between lines etc. I dont want to make any assumptions but it is about trust. That one simple question “Do you trust them?” may give you all the answer you need.
    Sending love xx

  • Trust yourself. If you believe it’s not right, it probably isn’t right. I suppose you need to ask yourself how “not right” it is exactly, and is anyone in any danger. Is it just dislike and lying, or is there something more fundamental going on? Good luck!

  • Tricky one. When the kids were little I had something like 12 nannies over a decade or so. I hate to say this but if there is a niggle then there’s usually a reason why. I had one situation where a cleaner alerted me to a lack of care that resulted in a potentially dangerous situation. I’ve also had moments when perhaps my spidey senses were a little too overdeveloped and in reality it was with me that the issue lay. In that situation I changed my work and care scenario until I felt comfortable. Have you had any further success with getting work to play fair?

    • Muddling Along

      I suspect its a combination of the two – am totally swamped with a work project so letting it go until the end of the month before raising it in the hope I’ll have earned my spurs by then & proved I can make it work.. or something like that

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