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The anxiety is back

Strange how you don’t really miss something until it comes back.

I hadn’t realised how over the last few months I’ve been relaxed and haven’t had any of my anxious episodes.

But they seem to be back.

I spent hours last night lying in bed.  Listening to the drumming of my heart.  Feeling uncomfortable and twitchy in my skin.  Unable to completely turn off the list of things rushing through my brain.  Unable to relax enough so that I wouldn’t suddenly twitch as I started to fall asleep and wake myself back up.  Unable to get out of the greyness of lying in bed drowsing but not sleeping.

Thump thump.

Thump thump.

Thump thump.

Thump thump.

The soundtrack to a night spent lying down worrying about my new job.

Spent worrying about how Big got the really nasty burn on her thumb and how she did it without New Nanny realising – is she being hurt?  Is she not being supervised closely enough?  How could she hurt herself that badly without crying out and needing comfort?  Why wasn’t I there for her – she’s never done anything like this on my watch.

More worry about Mr and his job.  He’s definitely working too hard and I’m concerned about his blood pressure.  I’m concerned about his diet.  I’m worried he needs time off and isn’t going to get it.  I’m worried his project will succeed and what that will mean and I’m worried it will fail and the consequences that will have.

Lying there desperately trying to get myself to relax.

Trying breathing exercises.

Trying listening to my hypnosis CD.

Trying getting up.

Trying lavender spray on my pillow.

Desperately trying to not remind myself that six, no five, no four, no three, no two, no one hours are left until I have to get up and start the day.

Desperately wondering how to stop it all happening again the following night.

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16 comments to The anxiety is back

  • Lynda Halliger-Otvos

    >I am sorry you are so worried. Perhaps it may help you to know that stressed spelled backward is Desserts !~!

  • naomi richards

    >If you can write down your worries before you go to bed and then hopefully that will clear it. My husband bought me pulse point stuff for me this week and it has helped me to sleep. Maybe try it?

  • Modern Military Mother

    >Jump on Mr and have a shag – if that fails watch a couple of episodes of Two and a Half Men.

  • Whimsical Wife

    >Oh it's an awful feeling to be worried and night time just makes everything feel so much worse. And the nearer it gets to morning the more anxious you are that you've not slept! Vicious circle!
    I agree with Naomi – write down your worries and try to deal with them sometimes just speaking and saying them out loud makes things seem better.

    I would also highly recommend reflexology as a tool to aid relaxation.

  • family Affairs

    >I so know that feeling – dawn creeping ever closer and less and less sleep – poor you. Try getting plastered and sleep in a coma. Much better Lx


    >*Big Cuddles*

    Sometimes a cuddle is the best thing. Have you tried calms etc? I don't know if you're taking any medication, but I know I can't take them with what prescription drugs I'm taking. But if you're not then it might be worth a try.

    I hope your situation improves darling. And I'm sorry I can't help. Anxiety is an awful, awful thing and it's often overlooked.

    Much love to you xx

  • JulieB

    >I have these phases too. I don't really have any advice to offer, just hope that you find a way to turn off.

  • New Mummy

    >Oh bless you, I have weeks sometimes months like that. Its so hard to empty your head of everything. I find a warm bath and hot milk (boring I know) works well. Lavender is really good for helping you ease into sleep. I hope it all passes soon, you have my email if you need to talk x

  • Jane

    >I know where you're coming from. I wish I could be the kind of person who could just switch off and go to sleep in seconds. You might find that having written it here you'll feel better anyway. Sometimes I picture myself actually pushing anxious thoughts away, and letting nothingness in, which can help. If you do find another way to shove the worries aside, let me know!
    By the way, love the blog (and am following you on Twitter, so, hi!)

  • Mwa

    >That sucks. And I so know the feeling. I hope it gets better with time. x

  • kateab

    >I was also going to suggest the writing thing too. I have done this and find it helpful. If lack of sleep gets really bad, go talk to your GP about it.

  • TheMadHouse

    >I too have suffered and still do to a certain extent, but had CBT and it made such a difference to me. I would be more than happy to send you some infor I have and also chat to you about some ways I deal with it. Just let me know. But I am learning to control that know in my tummy slowly

  • Mummywhisperer

    >I've done that sort of thing too, so I found a few things that worked as I got more and more panicked about no sleep and all the normal techniques not working. The best seemed to be Bach flower sleep remedy: much better than the rescue remedy that it's popular for and available from boots.

    That kind of thump thump can also be due to coffee or chocolate after midday, have you been partaking more than usual? ;0)

  • imperfectpages

    >I tweeted you when I read your post the other day and had been meaning to get back and comment…

    What I meant was that at least you are worrying about things that are worthy of worry. it's probably a sign that anxiety is really spiralling out of control when you're imagining wild problems that are really unlikely… whereas the things you're worrying about at the moment are real worries, IYSWIM.

    I was also going to suggest some CBT techniques.

    Also, in practical terms, have you raised the issue of the burn with the nanny? I don't know if you're ever on Mumsnet, but the nannies board on there often tends to have great advice from people who know what they're talking about (I only lurk on there for a glimpse into the lives of those who use nannies, don't have any experience myself!).

    Hope this helps a little. x

  • zooarchaeologist

    >You have summed up exactly what I am doing myself at the moment. I have no answer, running seems to help although there are time issues to that.
    I'm telling myself that it will all pass. This is the only advice I can give.
    In the past I have found it very helpful to have a break at the seaside (North Norfolk is perfect as not too far). Find an isolated beach and just stand and look at the waves, with each wave I take a deep breath and remind myself how nothing I can do and nothing that happens can change the fact the waves will still keep coming. I find this grounding and helpful.
    Anxiety is a terrible thing, try to look after yourself.

  • Metropolitan Mum

    >I am so sorry to read this. Do you trust your nanny in general? I hear your worries about the husband. I am feeling very much the same way about mine (including diet & blood pressure). In my case, talking helps.

    PS: Ha! Parallel commenting! I was reading this post on my reader when your comment came in 🙂

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