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>Finally admitting that the last year has been awful


I have been hit a bit hard these last few days and so not been engaging really with people both in the real and virtual worlds.

This week marks one year since Babygirl first tried to wrestle her way into the world at 19 weeks gestation.  It marks the start of what has been in parts a pretty awful year.

I think it is only now, getting some emotional distance between me and those events, that I can now realise just how horrid it was.  And just how miserable I was too.

I don’t think you can understand the all encompassing worry that a troubled pregnancy brings unless you’ve lived it.

I spent every waking moment thinking about my baby.  Worrying if an extra trip to the loo or a walk around town would bring on more contractions, checking for bleeding each time I wiped, making those lonely sad trips to the day assessment ward when I had another bout of contractions or more bleeding.

And these last months I have watched Babygirl like a hawk, desperately wanting to know that she hasn’t been impaired by her sub-optimal experience in utero.  Yet in part I have stuck my head firmly in the ground.  We’ve known since birth that she was more demanding, more uncomfortable, more sick than her big sister.  We took the approach of rolling with it, breastfeeding, avoiding medication which could cause other issues with her underdeveloped gut (or worse stop her taking a bottle.  Shudder) and just accepted a life of vomit stains, horrified looks from passers by and having to take a blanket with us everywhere we went for her to lie on to catch it all.  I spent months in denial that actually there was more wrong than just a bit of posseting.

Today we got a copy of the letter from the consultant.  With lots of big words.  So yes, she does have one little problem.

But my oh my it could have been so much worse.

Looking at her strange left eye, with its quarter segment of brown against the rest of the grey iris, one of my friends looked at me, gave me a hug and said ‘its incredible your body held onto her, you did well’.

And with that the barricades fell down and I allowed myself a wallow, a cry, an acceptance that it was a miserable time and that perhaps now I don’t have to be strong, I don’t have to pretend that I am coping.

Because its now history.  The past.  And we have a lovely Babygirl despite everything.

And yes, I did do well in doing what was necessary and I need to remember that.

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21 comments to >Finally admitting that the last year has been awful

  • BNM

    >I have not been through anything like this but having a friend who had 2 prem babies and many complications I can sympathise with you. I think you have been very strong and very lucky to have such a lovely babygirl big words or not.

  • TheMadHouse

    >This has had be sobbing tears, it is so hard having a difficult pregnancy. I had to take medication throughout mine and I worried that I had caused the boys some condition, when Maxi had colic I worried it was my doing, the constant tests for CF, it was all terrible. It was only when we finally got a negative at 16 months old that i realised I had been holding my breath for his whole life.

  • Mwa

    >Pregnancy, childbirth and the first year are hard enough without complications. There's so much to process for you, which you can't do with a newborn around. I hope you can get through it now. xx

  • kat @ slugs

    >in different ways, for different reasons, this post resonates sooooo deeply. everytime I walk upstairs to check on G when she naps, I am convinced I will find that she has stopped breathing. There is nothing worse than worrying about your children. Nothing.

    Love, hugs and lots of virtual support to get you through this…because you wil.

  • FortyNotOut

    >Huge hugs to you… I can only imagine how difficult this all must have been. When things are wrong with our children it is so heart and gut wrenching. You have been so strong so you should allow yourself some weeping. xxx

  • JulieB

    >My eldest had terrible reflux when she was tiny, so I can relate to the horrible sickness everywhere – it's just so awful and so demoralising.

    It sounds like things are so much more hopeful for you now. Maybe the weeping really is the start of a new chapter for you – you've done amazingly. x

  • London City Mum

    >Had no idea you had been through such a rough time, but so glad the little one is ok and you can look ahead to better (and happier) times ahead.

    The things that life throws at us, eh?

    Sending you lots of virtual hugs.

    LCM x

  • It's a Mummys Life

    >So sorry you've had such a horrible frightening time of it. And with the added complication of your relationship troubles. Really hope things are looking up in all areas. You have alot of support and friendship here. X

  • Mummy Bear

    >Oh my (as I wipe a tear away), you two really went through it…but you got through it, together. I hope that she gets a little stronger everyday, and you too…..here have a tissue, there is nothing like a good cry to get it out xx

  • zooarchaeologist

    >You are doing well as a mum, she is doing well. That is all that matters. Put the past behind you and try to look to the future. You did a good job, it was terrible but you are a survivor and so is she. It will all get better, at moments like this I try to imagine myself on a beach, the waves still keep moving backwards and forwards and so does life. You have her, she has you. That is all that matters. xxx

  • PhotoPuddle

    >It sounds like you need a hug. You've had a tough year but you have been an amazing mum. I am so fortunate that my baby was fit and healthy inside me (it was me that was suffering!) but I still spent the whole pregnancy terrified something bad would happen. I can't imaging the worry that you would have experienced. Big hug from me.

  • Michelle

    >What an honest post. You did amazing and now you have your princess. Mich x

  • Manicmum

    >Sounds so hard on you – my pregnancies were 'normal' but still a long, exhausting worry until finally over. Hope your daughter continues to surprise and delight you. XX

  • vegemitevix

    >I didn't realise that it had been so hard, as I guess I got to know you (and your blog) half way through. I think you've done amazingly well, and all things considered it is a miracle you and Mr Muddling are still hanging on in there, that the little girls are growing and thriving and you are still in one piece. Kudos to you my strong friend, you've done good! xx

  • slummysinglemummy

    >I love that line from your firend about your body holding onto her – such a beautiful way to think about it. That's really what it did isn't it? It just wouldn't let her go, kept clinging on, and it clearly did an amazing job. I hope the next year is a happier one x x

  • Sandy Calico

    >Yes, you have done well. I couldn't put it better than your friend and Zoo. Sending (((HUGS))) x

  • rock n roll mummy

    >You have done incredibly well and your little girl is testament to your strength and courage. You have been there for her every step of the way from conception to birth and the year that followed. You've never given up on her and I bet when she is older and she reflects on the time when she was so little and precious she realises what a fantastic mum she has got.

  • dulwich divorcee

    >You've really been through it. Your daughter is very lucky to have such a devoted mother x

  • auntiegwen

    >Oh poor you, that's been a poo time for you, hopefully onwards and upwards xxx

  • cartside

    >you did do wo well. I remember those posts where the pain was hidden between the lines, you always held it so very much together. I can't imagine how difficult a year this has been for you, but it's clear both you and baby girl have come out of it very strong. A big virtual hug x

  • muummmmeeeeee......

    >My heart really goes out to you honey. Becoming a mother is an emotional enough journey without the heartache of what you've been through. I think we can really turn a corner when we admit to ourselves that sometimes life is truly crap and it feels so good to realise that we've moved on from it – big hugs x

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