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Getting my mojo back – finally facing up to where we are

 

In an ideal world, you shouldn’t bottle things up but have a calm, continuous ongoing and open discussion with your life partner about your relationship.

Which would be lovely if totally unlikely to happen if you’re both shattered from juggling work and babies, working on slightly different time zones so you can manage your childcare and both fairly stressed out by work problems.

Oh and you’re both English which means that getting your husband to have an indepth chat about relationship issues is somewhat lower on his list of things to do than sitting on a red hot poker…

So you bottle things up, for a very long time.  And eventually it all comes to the surface and you take a gamble and decide that for once you won’t gloss over things but will be brutally honest.

Which is where Mr Muddling and I got to at the weekend.  Admittedly it would have been better to have done this chat stone cold sober but we didn’t.  And to be honest we’d have never had it if I had been stone cold sober.

And I have laid things out, explained how I feel about lots of things, not just the lack of sex but more importantly the lack of intimacy, the lack of physical contact and the lack of understanding.

And Mr has explained what I’m doing wrong that is hurting him – the grumpiness, the obsessiveness, the fact it feels like I’m slipping into misery territory again.

And most importantly he has admitted that he was an utter twonk to have had a go at me (admittedly months ago) when I stumbled into his room at 6am begging him to take the baby because I had literally not slept that night and had to go to work and needed an hour of sleep.

So we’re making progress.  Infinitesimal progress.  But now Mr knows how unhappy I am and perhaps by having admitted things aren’t perfect we can start fixing them.

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20 comments to Getting my mojo back – finally facing up to where we are

  • marathonmummy

    >I don't know many couples who haven't teetered on the edge of the abyss at the stage you're at. They are dark days, and the only way to get through it is talking, talking, talking – and if it takes a glass or two of wine to get you talking, that doesn't matter.

    And my mum's advice, which is the best ever: be nice to each other, even if you don't feel like it. It really works. Believe me, I've been there. I think any parent who says they haven't is lying.

  • Noble Savage

    >It's definitely important to have those talks. Glad you're getting things sorted.

  • Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy

    >Oh the talking is so important, but so hard. Honesty is really difficult. But, so happy that you have started. And to admit that all is not perfect is an important, and difficult first step. Good luck with it. xxx

  • Christine Mosler

    >Oh love, I feel for you. Well done for talking, it is THE most important thing you can do. I think we have probably all been where you are now. These early days of total exhaustion where you wonder where you have gone and whether you will ever find yourself again DO PASS! Honest! Thinking of you. x

  • Mummy365

    >That's such a hard thing to do, so well done. Hopefully things will start to get better for you both. Just keep talking, the first time is the hardest xxx

  • vegemitevix

    >There was a lot of that going around this past weekend. ;-p I'm so glad you did have a talk. I really believe it's far better to talk it through (even if it involves swearing and tears) than bottling it up. I wrote about this too last weekend – http://www.vegemitevix.com/2010/04/03/lover-or-fighter/

    Big empathic hugs! xxx

  • Mummy

    >Starting is the hardest. I am on the same road right now too. The problem comes that, daily, everything else is shouting so loud for your attention (work, children, staying sane) that the quiet whisper of the relationship tends to get missed. I know exactly where you are.

  • Jen

    >It's great the first step is taken. It's hard to juggle everything and work/life/baby balance is incredibly hard at times. Well done:) Jen.

  • slugs on the refrigerator

    >first steps are good and important. I hope that it leads in the right direction.

  • 1 husband, 2 kids (and lots of books)

    >I'm so pleased you took this step, the first one is the hardest and it doesn't matter how you got there – just that you did. I hope it will be onwards and upwards from here on in, it's so hard to keep trying sometimes but it will be worth it. Good luck, hang in there & thanks for your kind words over the past few weeks.x

  • lastofthemojitos

    >Wishing you both the best of luck and hope you work things out at least you've taken the first steps. It's not easy to balance everything and having children definitely can take a wrecking ball to a relationship. At least you both 'care' enough to talk, I think the problems start when people don't care anymore x

  • rosiescribble

    >It is so good that you have talked. At least you undertand where you are both coming from. This has to be the start of things improving for both of you. Wishing you well.

  • Myshka

    >Yep- this happened to us two weekends ago. It's hard. Really hard. But the first step out of that dark place is a really important one. Just be patient with eachother. xx

  • Modern Dilemma

    >Marathon mummy hit the nail on the head. We've all been there, you need to keep talking at all costs about the things which matter, be kind to yourselves and each other and some tongue biting really does work. I'm sure it will come good xxx

  • Magic Mummy

    >I've been here too – We sorted ourselves out but we still talk regularly now because I don't want to ever be in that place again!

    You've done the hardest bit now…

  • Sandy Calico

    >It's far too easy to bottle things up, then they eat away at you.
    I'm so glad you're talking. I hope this is the first of many open conversations about your relationship. x

  • It's a Mummys Life

    >Really pleased for you that you opened up the discussion. It just becomes the elephant in the room otherwise and can lead to, well, you know what it can lead to. Really hope you sort it out and work toward a happy future. x

  • Mwa

    >You took the main step there. I hope it gets better now. I remember in the months after our second was born, thinking we were never going to get on again. But we did.

    Good luck!

  • Metropolitan Mum

    >Happy for you guys to have found a starting point! Spending quality time together just the 2 of us always brings us a bit closer together – we too are prone to losing our connection in the daily grind. Any chance for you guys to go out together anytime soon?

  • […] time last year as I was wrestling with getting my mojo back I found a great […]

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