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>How important is sex in a marriage?


Following on from my Mojo post talking about the sexual Sahara I’ve found myself in, I’ve had some comments both on and off the blog which have given me cause for thought.

The question seems to be whether the lack of sex falls into the ‘I can’t live this way’ camp or whether you have to weigh up the whole relationship and that sex just has to be one of a whole plethora of aspects that need to be considered and that a good marriage can exist without sex.

Honestly I don’t know where I fall.

There’s a part of me that views the prospect of a sexless marriage with horror – that realises that to me sex is far more than a physical act but that it underpins my view of myself as a desirable, attractive woman and the intimacy it creates gives an extra layer to my marriage.

But there is a significant part of me that looks at my life and isn’t sure that this is something that should be thrown away for what is just one thing. I know Mr Muddling loves me, we have beautiful daughters, we have a good partnership.

And if we don’t resolve this thing I guess that there are alternatives available to me. And yet I don’t think I could even consider for more than a moment being emotionally or physically unfaithful to him.

So where does that leave me?

Could I consider living a platonic life?

Could you?

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10 comments to >How important is sex in a marriage?

  • Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy

    >Personally, I couldn't. Much like you say, I like sex for many reasons, but not least because it makes me feel attractive and desirable which is much needed when most the time I have snot all down my clothes and banana stuck in my hair.

    I just read the comments from your last post and there are lots of good ideas there. But I think you do need to sit down with Mr. Muddling and just talk about it. Say what you are feeling. Find out what he is feeling. Work out together what you want to do and how you want to approach it. Hopefully you can find a path that you are both happy with. Big hugs. What a difficult issue. xxx

  • Jen

    >It is more important that you find a way that works for the two of you without focusing on the act itself. Like you say, its not just the act, there is a much bigger issue surrounding it. Jen.

  • vegemitevix

    >I really feel for you. Such a difficult issue so fraught with fear and worry and hurt. I couldn't live without a strong physical sexual relationship. I know I can't because I have tried in the past and failed. For me the lack of sexual intimacy indicates that we have lost track of our physical dialogue. I have in the past experienced a partner's waning interest in me as a sexual partner. I found it wounding to the core. I know there were good medical reasons for his lack of interest but I couldn't continue in the relationship. I hope you can find some help in all the advice you've received in the last couple of posts. Sending you lots of virtual hugs! xx

  • Heather

    >Like others have said before I think it is something you need to talk about if you aren't happy. It is a big thing, knowing that your partner finds you attractive and it's an emotional bond as well.

    for me it's more about knowing you both fancy each other still, still have that emotional and physical connection.

  • 1 husband, 2 kids (and lots of books)

    >Such a very hard question! This is about as personal a choice as you get.
    If you decide to live with it can you continue to 'love yourself' – i.e. to what extent is your self-esteem undermined by maybe feeling less attractive (not that you should, but I guess that's what happens) and how good would you be at not shoving it back in Mr's face every time you had an argument. Both are hard, and if they're impossible then I guess it's important not to let things fester.
    Equally, if you said goodbye because of sex could moving on replace what you (and your daugthers) would lose. I think if you'd feel like you were 'making do' you need to be careful about letting resentment build up, but if it's a case that you want to be together more than you want sex then, yes, I think there are ways of making it work. Good luck.

  • Emily O

    >I think its importance is different for different people and different marriages. For me it's very important but I don't want to tell someone else it should be too. Overall, I think communication is one of the most important things in a relationship and if you can make sure that flows as freely as possible then more of the non-verbal stuff will too. Good luck. It's not easy so soon after having a baby.

  • Victoria

    >I couldn't, because I know that when we stop talking the sex dwindles. So for me, the two are intertwined. Perhaps you need to talk?

  • Mwa

    >I'd consider it, but I don't think it would work (for me). I just find that when our relationship really works well, sex just happens. And I would miss it. A lot. But everyone is different, right?

  • Scentsy

    >What a very difficult question. I am sorry for you that it even has to be a question. I don't think there is a right or a wrong here. Either way, you will be missing something. I think it boils down to deciding what you can and can't live without but either way you lose something. Best wishes.

  • Metropolitan Mum

    >Technical things first: the link at the beginning of your post links to this post.

    Regarding your question: I don't know if you could consider that. I know that it wouldn't work for me. I have tried that in a previous relationship. It went horribly wrong. Because sexual attraction was there, just not in the relationship I was living in. Unfaithfulness, hurt feelings… it all followed and ended in a flood of tears for the both of us.

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