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Getting my mojo back – let’s talk about sex…

 

It’s been rather hard to update my mojo recovery story because not much has happened.

My pelvic floor is making terribly slow progress. But it is progress and I haven’t had more than an accident a day in the last few weeks. At least I suppose smelling of wee makes a change to smelling of baby sick.

The baby weight is slowly reducing. I can fit back into jeans that pre date my pregnancy although nothing on my top half fits than to the incredible milch cow boobs.

But the big elephant tap dancing around our house is sex.

Yes, we’ve now chalked up 13 months of celibacy.

And there really is no end in sight that I can see.  I’ve read plenty of books over the last few months about this but none of them seem to fit my problem. All of them take the premise that the male is desperate to get back in the sack but the female is unwilling and needs to basically be told to lie back and it will be alright on the night.

Which isn’t my problem. I’m ready (actually more than ready) to give it a go. I’ve even explained to Mr that the knackered nethers do not rule it out.  Suggested that it might be time we give it a go.  But nothing, not even a teeny tiny flicker of desire from him.

And whilst there are ways to scratch the itch, they don’t really deal with the underlying problem which is that sex is about more than a mechanical release, its tied into self esteem, feeling good about ourselves and builds foundations into a relationship.  And not having it can become a big thing, a big worry and something that keeps knocking the shaky view of this Mummy Me as a different but equally good Me down.

I don’t know how to move on from here.  I don’t know how to push things along so that something might happen (and yes it does take more than a set of sexy undies to get things going after this long, some issues can’t actually be resolved by a set of skimpies).  I don’t know if this is something that can be fixed and what on earth it means if it can’t be.

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18 comments to Getting my mojo back – let’s talk about sex…

  • Karin @ Cafe Bebe

    >Bless your cotton socks! I've struggled with my mojo as I feel like some switch was shut off as soon as Little Miss came out through the sun hatch. I haven't had the pelvic floor issues that you have had but I have almost lost my desire to have sex. I get a bit "fruity" every so often and thankfully my husband is very keen so I've always got a willing partner when the mood strikes. I don't know what to offer you other than, maybe you need to have a proper heart to heart with him. Maybe he's frightened as well? Maybe you need to go back to dating (if possible with 2 lovely children)? Find the romance, find the spark again. Sex can come later…try kissing and holding hands again? Will that start something??

    Love to you Mrs! 🙂

  • Anonymous

    >I'd rather remain anonymous and ask that you don't comment on this blog as it is a private blog really. http://bigfatelephantintheroom.blogspot.com

    I have no idea what to do either.

  • mummywhisperer

    >I think it is very brave to discuss this, because the myth that permeates society is that men are always up for sex, but I can promise you that they aren't – I have numerous clients who have experienced the same problem.

    When we get a chance to meet up for that coffee, I can give you some ideas on what to do, at first just to reduce the stress around it, and then maybe to help 'encourage' the other half.

  • Jen

    >Difficult one, and I don't have anything to add to what others have said but I didn't want to read and not acknowledge you either. I admire you for blogging about this, it is an elephant for a lot of people so it is good that you speak up. Kudos to you:) Jen.

  • Anonymous

    >Hi – Think you're really brave to write this (much braver than I am, as I'm commenting anonymously!). We went through a similarly long period of celibacy during and after my pregnancy and birth of our second child. However, I do have to say this was down to me, not hubby. I am therefore coming at this from a slightly different angle, but I can only tell you what helped me, which was plenty of time and a very gradual approach. It may be a bit of a cliché, but we started off with plenty of non-sexual affection (kisses, cuddling) and gradually built up from there, and now definitely have our mojo back! Whatever happens, I hope it works out for you and I wish you luck. x

  • It's a Mummys Life

    >It's hard isn't it. I agree with others in that starting with holding hands and kissing and all that helps. But with him, maybe he's seeing you so much as a mother (you are still bfing I think?) that possibly he's not seeing you as the sexual being you are too. I shouldn't comment on what he's feeling though as what do I know. But I know my husband felt a bit like that, he was slightly horrified that I'd be up for it actually. But once you break the ice as it were it's surprising how quickly you can get it back. Can you get someone to have the kids for a night and go and stay away somewhere? or does that make it into an even bigger deal? I hope you sort it out but 13 months is not that long when you have had 2 kids.

    btw there's an award for you at mine xx

  • TheMadHouse

    >I sort of know where tou are coming from, but mine and MadDads insecurities stem from the way I look after my operations. Will he talk to anyone?

  • YummyNo1

    >Such a brave post and really hope you can sort things out.
    I really can't offer any other advice than has already been given but I think you really need to try and get him to talk – but I guess that can be easier said than done. (( hugs ))

  • icklebabe_com

    >Hi Hun, nothing much to add but I wanted to say good luck and big hugs! I think your very brave to have highlighted a problem that if probably alot more common than most of us know.
    The old magic will return in time, I'm sure of it xxx

  • SusanKMann

    >Hi

    I think you are amazingly brave to write this. I have pretty much the exact same problem but I tried to do the "deed" with my very understanding OH. It's just not the same since my 2nd.Especailly as I have huge issues with my c-section scar. I am seeing couselling about it. Maybe it would help you too. I went through my health visitor and my doctor. xx

  • Hearth-mother

    >I could have written parts of this. I have no idea what to do to get my husband interested again after number two. It has happened a few times, but they are not often at all. What is it with the men? He is also one who doesn't like it whilst I am pregnant, so like you there have been months of celibacy. Looking forward to some answers…

  • Anonymous

    >Same here. We went through a dry patch, too. Haha, how very funny. Not. Things improved after we had more time together as a couple. Try and create some couple-time. Dinner, cinema, an afternoon in town sans bebes. Oh, and sitting him down for an honest talk helped in my case. Like I-cannot-live-like-that-talk.

  • Manicmum

    >Mr Muddling sounds lovely. The opposite of Mr 'barely waiting until the stitches have healed' (five weeks was his limit!) But on a more serious note, it's the feeling that the intimacy between you is on hold that is probably worrying you. I think if there were no kids around, and you did normal things together like when you were kid-free those feelings would naturally return. But seeing as that scenario isn't going to happen until they invent a time-machine, what to do? Have you considered a toy boy? X

  • Muddling Along Mummy

    >Karin -I'd love to get back to dating, in fact given we'd rather sleep if we have a night to ourselves have suggested we try a lunch date when I'm back at work

    Anon – love the blog title

    Mummy Whisperer – I'm so going to take you up on that. I wish society was more balanced about both sides not being interested at times – it just feels as if everyone else is at it like rabbits

    Jen – thank you! I'm sure there'll be more elephant chat on here

    Anon – we're trying more physical intimacy, we're back to sharing a bed which is a good step but doesn't seem to have made much of a difference. Its always good to know that I'm not alone

    It's a Mummy's Life – I'm almost counting down until when Babygirl doesn't wake so often in the night so we can have a night away from them. That said we'd both probably prefer to sleep !

    TheMadHouse – I think like most men, he'd rather gnaw off a testicle than discuss this … even with me !

    Yummy No 1 – I know, but as you say, easier said than done – I shall keep trying

    Icklebabe – thank you – I'm hanging on for it to return

    SusanKmann – thank you – I'm mostly ok, just want to give it a go, it seems to be more a him thing at the moment but thanks for the suggestion

    Hearth-Mother – mine also wasn't into me when I was pregnant so even if we hadn't been told not to, I guess it wouldn't have happened. Made me sad because I did feel quite sexy at the time

    Anon – you know what, I think if it goes on a whole lot longer it might have to turn into a chat like that – which really saddens me because so much else is so right

    ManicMum – you are right, its the worry about the lack of intimacy not the actual act (I mean there are ways to scratch that itch) – if you find a time machine let me know !

  • Mwa

    >Is he willing to talk things through? Maybe something is going on in his mind that you're not aware of. Something you could talk about.
    And obviously – time together. Alone. If you could manage it. I really feel that heals so many problems. It did for us…

  • RebaMc

    >Very brave post… and I'm going to come right out and join you too! We have now gone for 14 months and still no sign. We've spent today moving the twins into their own room… they're now 6 months, but we kept them in with us because of SIDS fears. So I jokingly made a comment that maybe it could be on the cards again, and the response I got was… 'perhaps next month… maybe'!!!! To be honest I don't think I have the energy anyway!

  • HoaxCaller

    >Sort of experiencing something similar so I completely sympathise with you. It just feels heartbreaking that something that is so important and in theory should be easy to fix seems unobtainable. I cannot offer advice only acknowledgement from someone who values sex so highly and doesn't feel like a complete person without it, is struggling too and you are far from alone

  • Anonymous

    >Understandably your article helped me terribly much in my college assignment. Hats afar to you post, intention look forward in behalf of more interdependent articles promptly as its united of my pick question to read.

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