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>Feeling lonely & isolated

>

I know I should focus on counting my blessings.

That I should remember that I am blessed with a loving husband and two beautiful girls.  That we are financially stable, that we have our health, that we family and friends.  And all of the good things I know I’m lucky to have.

But despite all of this I am feeling lonely and isolated.

I have some lovely Mummy friends and I have some lovely work friends but I don’t know anyone who works full time, in a high pressured job and combines it with being a good Mummy.  To be honest I don’t know anyone who would even want to try.

There is nobody I can turn to today, pick up the phone and talk to and explain my worries and concerns and know that they will understand.  To know that they won’t judge or try to push their view as to what is the ‘right’ thing for me to do but that they will listen with love and help me work this one through.

Because after a lot of reflection I realise I do want to work, and I do want to work in a ‘proper’ job with a career and not to downsize to something easier that would let me have more time with my girls.

And I realise it will be a struggle and I will get unhappy.

But I know that by continuing to work I will continue to nurture the professional part of me that has worked really hard to get where I am that I will retain options to continue to be Me whilst still being a Mummy but that I desperately need to find a way to find the right balance.

And I have no idea how to go about that.

I really wish I had a friend who understands both my Mummy and work lives and who I could talk to about this.

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20 comments to >Feeling lonely & isolated

  • MumsRock

    >You are not alone – you're like virtually every mother I know – tackling the hopes and expectations of society, your family and yourself. There's an interesting debate on Livingwithkids today about childcare costs – but so much of that comes down to who we are meant to be as women/mothers today. Blowed if I know but if you want to talk to me DM or email me and I'll give you my number. Life is too short to not make time to talk – always, always helps x

  • peabee72

    >Ditto to what MR's saying. So sorry you're feeling like this, life is pretty crap sometimes but none of us are here to judge each other, no matter how it might sometimes appear 'out there'.

    I'm often about if you feel like a chinwag or a random chat about nonsense… always be happy to hear from you.

    xxx

  • Karin @ Cafe Bebe

    >Oh Hannah…I'm sorry you're feeling so down today. I feel a lot the same but for the work side of it. I can't quite relate to that but I do understand the desire to be the Perfect Mum. We definitely need to meet up…if only to give each other shoulders to cry on! If it's any help, I think you're fab and are doing amazing things. Hope your day picks up …take care of you!
    Karin

  • Jan @ JAM Consulting

    >Oh blimey don't feel alone, all women I know go through the debate in their head about career/working once they have kids. Don't feel bad for wanting to go back to work, it does so much to help restore some self-confidence and will ultimately make you a better mother as if you are happier your kids will feed off that. You can always DM me if you want to talk, I'm always on twitter!

  • London City Mum

    >We do it to retain some sense of individuality outside of just being someone's mother.
    Much as the nurturing role of a mother is a challenging and highly rewarding one (and not always in that order), proving to ourselves that we are more than a mere sum of our 'mummy' parts is just as important.

    It is not easy to balance the two, I seem to manage via military regime and have been reminded more times than I care to remember to 'relax'. Not sure I will ever get the balance quite right but at least I have lots to show for it, not least a wonderful family.

    It is hard work, yes, but I would not have it any other way.

    Here always if you want to chat, just email me.

    hugs
    LCM x

  • The Dotterel

    >I was reading your post, thinking 'my guess is that you'll soon find some.' Then I saw the comments and, well, there they are. That's the wonderful thing about blogging. tweeting or whatever: that friend is always out there, somewhere. And you might just have found out where!

  • The Moiderer

    >I understand too. I know it's tough when you don't have friends close by to catch up with over a coffee. I don't make friends easily and married my best friend, which kind of limits things a bit!

    My hubby is older than me so I am the one in the family that works and he stays at home with the little one. But I do a job, I no longer have a career. I can't do the 24/7 kind of work that you need to for true success. I can't jet off all over the place like I used to. I can't because it's not fair on my hubby, and I can't because I can't face all that time away from my little one. She is too high a priority .

    It's good to chat online, to blog, to Twitter. But nothing is as good as sitting for a couple of hours, coffee in hand, and putting the world to rights with a friend face-to-face. It gives you ideas, hope and a much needed pick up.

    Like the other commenters on here, I understand and would be happy to chat but it just doesn't cut it does it?

  • vegemitevix

    >Hannah, I know where you're coming from. I always worked running my own Marketing/PR consultancy since before the kids were born. I knew no one who could understand the juggling act I was trying to pull off. I know I'm not in your peer group as such (with older kids now)and working from home not in a corporate, but if you ever need to talk dm me on Twitter and I'll give you my email/Skype numbers. It is very hard, particularly in the finance industry where there is such a '_anker banker' attitude!

  • It's a Mummys Life

    >You know what, it is hard. It's bloody hard. Specially when you've worked all your professional life to get where you are and you realise that you want to have kids too. you don't want to give up your career because actually you love it and it defines you at least in part, but equally your kids are your kids and they are more than important. All I can say is I have been where you are so many times, so many days feeling depressed, isolated, scared, lonely. At the end of it all I just focus on why I do both 'jobs'. I adore my girls as you do, and I love the fact I run a company and I do it well. It's not easy but it's exhilarating.

    Just take it day by day and focus on the here and now. It WILL be okay. Email/dm me if you want to talk./ I work in the West end.

  • Muddling Along Mummy

    >Aw cripes you've made me all tearful – thank you for all you've said

    I hope it didn't come across as dredging for nice things but I guess there are times when you just want a hug and a cuppa in person

    That said, without my virtual friends I'm not sure I'd have survived this last year – thank you

    I may have to take you up on some of those offers -anyone want an internet wierdy friend?

  • vegemitevix

    >Yeah why the hell not! I seem to be making more friends on t'internet than in real life over here!

  • MumsRock

    >let's have drinks?! Seriously…even if it's just a hot one and a vast amount of cake…anyone in London fancy a 'Let them meet cake' day?
    I'd even turn up for a fondant fancy x

  • BNM

    >I think all of us working mums feel like this at sometime or other. I love my job and love being a mum but sometimes it gets too much.
    I may not be local too you but I know that if you need anyone to talk to that I like the others will be here.
    I think the blogging/tweeting community has saved my soul several times recently – has stopped me from going completely mad.
    Hope by writing some of it down you managed to get it all out and if not then get in touch.
    BNMx

  • Emily O

    >Motherhood can be isolating and I'm not sure why! I've not got a great deal to add other than I'm thinking of you and if I lived nearer I'd love to meet up. I feel like you too, for different reasons, and some days can be tough. I hope you manage to find a balance which works for you xx

  • FlossieT

    >My attitude to kids and work has been through so many reinventions over the years. Right now, I'd say I have a good balance (possibly slightly too much work, but not masses too much): I have a job that I really like, in an industry I love, with nice colleagues, that uses a lot of my skills, and I get to do it part-time. I started off doing it full time (2.5 years ago now) and then had a massive crash-and-burn 4 months in when my husband got a promotion and I realised that it was a LOT harder working full-time with 3 than it had been with 2. However, I'm not kidding myself it's a "career", in the sense of having somewhere clearly defined to go to from here; I've effectively taken a demotion to go part-time. And I'm actually OK with that.

    When I had my first baby, I LOVED my job. I loved the pace, I loved the people, I even (with reservations) loved the buzz of working late and long hours to get projects finished. And I have to admit I resented being a mum (NB I did not resent my baby: I wouldn't have dreamed of being without him. Ah, the miracle of the human capacity to hold two contradictory points of view at the same time.) – not being able to go to the pub after work so readily, the childcare crises, the hoops to jump through to ensure I could do those long hours if I needed to, etc. etc. etc. Not to mention the fact that said baby didn't sleep through the night at all until he turned 1, and not reliably until he was nearly 3, shortly before his brother arrived.

    Before I really settled into this job, though (and it's taken a while; see under, crash-and-burn, massive), I would have given anything to give up work. I had the best year of my life not working while looking after my youngest, and it changed me in ways I hadn't thought possible. My husband continually reminded me, the kids will grow up, and leave school, and then what will you do with yourself? (My answer: read all the novels I'm stockpiling, but I don't think he accepts that as valid) So hanging on to your professional life is important too, because it extends beyond the point at which your kids are able to fend for themselves. And it can be hard to pick up the reins again if you've let them drop altogether.

    What I wanted to say is, there are lots of us out here (as all the above comments show). Many of us also feel isolated; I don't know about you, but my workplace is characterised by a strange demographic gap around my age: lots of 20-somethings, some older managers with older teenagers or grown-up kids, but hardly anyone facing the same issues as me. I also started my family very young, and my pre-children friends are all only just starting to have babies now, so are in (a) a totally different phase of life (b) that intensely self-obsessed phase of new parenting, in which it is physically impossible to contemplate or empathise with life other than the one with no sleep and loads of nappies.

    Wishing you all the best with finding someone non-virtual to commiserate with – if you find anyone, can I join in too??

  • FlossieT

    >Cripes, that was long. Sorry.

  • Modern Dilemma

    >Listen my lovely, you may not have met us yet, but we're out here in the real world and if not, right here in blogsville.

    I remember the isolation of being the only full time working mother I knew. All the other lawyers looked down their nose though I never knew whether it was because I worked whilst being a mum or the very fact I'd even HAD a child.

    Stopped caring very quickly but really could have done with a pal to share with. And you know what, it was another working mum at my office in the secretarial pool who became my pal and that was enough for me. Yay the sisterhood, off-load the worries/fury/sorrow here. We're all listening.

    MD xx

  • Muddling Along Mummy

    >Thank you for these comments

    Flossie – its interesting what you say about things evolving, its very different this time around to after Toddlergirl was born, I guess as my family grows my priorities have changed

    MD – its about having a pal, someone going through it. My Mummy friends don't work full time so think I'm mad / terribly brave to even consider it so the people I can share babystuff with I can't share this big thing with

    Today the sun is shining and its a better day – thank you for all your support

  • Notes to self plus two and the need for red shoes

    >Hey Hannah,
    I am a bit behind you in that I have not yet given birth but I will be back at work full time after maternity leave.
    I value reading your blog, and learning from you greatly.
    Do share and whilst it will be a while before I have any back to work insights … I am / will be here!
    xxx

  • Notes to self plus two and the need for red shoes

    >I should add that I have blogged twice in a fortnight as I have mostly been at work … where the balance is in that I don't know ;-).

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