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I’ve had a strange start to my relationship with Saying Goodbye – they emailed me days after I had lost another of our babies and hit a very raw nerve.  I emailed them back to explain just why their message had been so upsetting and got a beautiful, compassionate, understanding apology back – it turns out that Zoe, who is one of the founders, had also lost babies during pregnancy and was devastated that their message had unintentionally caused any pain.  Over the years since Saying Goodbye has grown from strength to strength raising awareness of baby loss and holding services of healing and remembrance for all of the babies born too soon – one of my friends lit candles at a service for the babies she knows that have gone too soon, I was incredibly touched not just that she thought about it but that someone else there understood and acknowledged what had happened to us

This October is pregnancy loss awareness month and Saying Goodbye have launched their campaign to raise awareness – their campaign asks those of us who have lost babies too soon to speak out and to break the silence that still surrounds pregnancy loss

I don’t talk too much about my miscarriages – in parts because losing a baby between 10 and 12 weeks doesn’t feel as deserving of sympathy as someone who has lost babies later, in parts because I struggle to find the right words

But here is my story

My name is Hannah and I have 3 children and have had 8 pregnancies

I have lost 5 babies

5 miscarriages sometime between 10 and 12 weeks

5 miscarriages after the point at which you start to feel sick and hopeful and then you stop feeling sick

5 trips to the doctors, the hospital

5 sets of hopes dashed, because even when you try really hard not to hope it is impossible not to let a small glimmer in

I am lucky – I have had my rainbow baby and have found a place where I have closure and can make some sense of it all, others are not so lucky – I have survived not only the losses but the pregnancies that came afterwards that were stripped of joy because of the knowledge that a pregnancy doesn’t mean that you get to hold your baby

Look around – if one in four pregnancies end in loss then the people you know, the people you work with, the men and the women, will all have been touched by this – ask them about their story, tell them yours, break the silence by sharing and acknowledging these losses

So why start blogging again?


6 and a half years ago I started writing this blog – I was alone, I’d just gone back to work after a short maternity leave and had left behind my mummy-life-me and tried to go back to my work-life-me

It wasn’t a smooth transition – I wasn’t the exactly the same person I […]

More than just skin deep


Sometime last year N mentioned that he thought that we were being walked up a curve by the various medical people involved in Littlest’s care and that they were rationing the bad news so we didn’t get it all at once – that they would just gently lead us to a place in small […]

Snippets from an offline summer

summer 2015


Blink and suddenly we have shifted from July to September – from the possibilities of a long summer to the frantic sorting of back to school

I’ve been offline more over the summer – taking advantage of some unpaid time off work to focus on family and to step away from as much as […]

Opening Pandora’s box


Tomorrow is a strange day – tomorrow Littlest is going into hospital to have his first MRI

Part of me is desperate for us to have this scan and to find out exactly what is going on under the skin – to get a better idea of what is going on, to perhaps have […]

Littlest at 18 months


It is really strange how it feels both that Littlest has been here forever and as if the last 18 months have disappeared in a flash but here we are a year and a half on from his arrival

Over the last few months he has suddenly grown up and become a little boy […]

All change


I’m not good with change and really not very good with not having everything sorted out around me and settled – at the moment I’m stuck in a vortex of change and it makes me feel on edge

EVERYTHING is changing

I’ve started a 6 month secondment at work – a new team which […]

So much going on


There’s so much going on here – I need more hours, more time, less to do and despite all my best intentions, writing is still very much a stop / start thing around here

I really just need more time – work is crazy busy again which is good but does mean I feel […]

Fertility isn’t just another problem for women to solve


Another day, another stick to beat up women – today’s is that we all need to be procreating before 30 in order to avoid a ‘fertility time bomb’ or at least that’s the view of a senior NHS doctor – that we have a fertility problem and women need to solve it

Consultant gynaecologist Professor […]

My breasts aren’t judging you

BF pics


Apparently by posting breastfeeding pictures I have been judging those parents who aren’t breastfeeding – really?

My breasts can do several things but can they really judge you?

Are pictures of my saggy boobs and my chubby little boy that powerful?

Do they really leap out there into the cyber-world and shout abuse at […]

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