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How do you know what you want to be when you grow up?

I don’t know if I’m unusual but, as a child, I never really dreamed of what I would be when I grew up – I knew that I would have to work hard, go to university and get a job and other than that I didn’t have the ambition to be an astronaut or a ballet dancer or a Nobel prize winner

I’ve been asked what I would be if I could be anything and I am stumped

I know that I would love a job that I enjoy – that makes me fizz with excitement and enthusiasm, that I feel I am doing something worthwhile in and where I am recognised – I would like to work with people I like, who respect me for being me

But what that job is I do not know – is it the job that I have spent 15 years learning or is it something new and exciting?

I would love to be able to spend more time with my family – I don’t know if that is that I work like a nutter Monday to Thursday in exchange for a Friday at home and uninterrupted weekends or if it means more time off with them in the holidays but I need to carve out more space for us to be together as a family without the intense pressure that comes from having just too little time together and the resultant urge to Make Every Second Count (you know what I mean, the compulsion to have to Do Stuff and Make Memories rather than just veg infront of a film or nap)

I want to be able to make time to meet up with friends, to reclaim a social life (I suspect this one needs Littlest to start sleeping better so we aren’t blacklisted by every local babysitter), to reclaim time for more exercise, to reclaim time to do nothing or to be creative but without all the pressure

I suspect that this is all tied up into something that looks a lot like a mid-life crisis. Although this crisis is not so much driven by the angst that the best years of my life have gone but more that the best years of my life are ahead of me and I don’t want to spend them being miserable or missing out time with the people I enjoy spending time with

I think that part of me is scared to dream – to wonder what life could be like if I had enough confidence to say I could do anything and be anything. Except the reality is more complicated – I need to keep earning a certain amount to cover our family costs and with that comes a certain amount of conservatism and inability to say enough of this and let’s see what the future might bring

Is the answer to build up a little bit of savings (after we’ve replaced the windows at home, after we’ve put aside money for the emergencies that seem to crop up every time we think we’re a bit more settled) and to go for it? To give myself 6 months off to come up with a bigger plan? But what if there isn’t an answer, there isn’t something that will pay for the mortgage and everything else?

And so you see I am slightly stuck – scared to dream about what might be and yet beginning to want to dream

What would you do if you could be anything? Should I embrace the fact this is my only life and I want to live it on my terms?

Chinese New Year crafts – fortune cookies

How to make paper fortune cookies

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Friday after school, homework done and then there’s a patch of time that isn’t weekend but isn’t week either – this week we filled it with crafting, thanks to a big box of craft bits from Bostik with a Chinese New Years theme

We decided to make paper fortune cookies – you can download […]

Niggling constant worry

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Today is 1 year since we got Littlest’s diagnosis – I cannot believe that it has been a whole year of learning to live with his challenges and the constant worry about him

I’m trying hard to be mindful this year – to live in the moment and not be caught up by fears […]

Does everyone want something for nothing?

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Recently I’ve begun to notice that the world of the internet does seem to be populated by an awful lot of people who seem to want something for nothing

I’m not sure if this is something that has suddenly sprung up or I’ve been so immersed in work and babies and trying to keep […]

Is it sexism? Or is it just life?

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When I joined my current team nearly five years ago we had five females. Today there’s just me. Last Woman Standing or something

But is that attrition just a fact of life or is it due to something more sinister?  Is the gradual erosion of women in our business due to sexism?

Looking back […]

Thoughts on starting my 40th year

birthday

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I am starting my 40th year – I’m 39 today (actually I’m not really 39 until about 11pm tonight so I have a few more hours of being 38 but you get the drift….)

And I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that – perhaps sleep deprivation from the baby with manflu […]

How to silence the inner critic?

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I’m really struggling with confidence at the moment

I feel as if at any moment someone will come up to me at work and tell me that they have realised I’ve been faking it and could I please hand over my security pass and make some space for someone who really, properly knows what […]

Free time? Me time?

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Where do you manage to find some free time in and amongst everything?  Where do you manage to find some time for yourself?

I’m feeling utterly taken over by all the demands at the moment – the biggest problem is that Littlest is not sleeping well (I’m hoping that by blogging about it I […]

A promise of online honesty

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This year I promise that I will write honestly – that I won’t self-edit to make myself look better than I really am, that I will write about the warts and all realities of my life and the things that go wrong

I promise that my Facebook feed will incorporate the good, the bad […]

How I lost my voice & how I’m reclaiming it

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At the start of 2014 it was a year full of possibility and looking to be a great year – the reality was very different, 2014 was the hardest year I have lived through and there were times when I wasn’t sure I would make it through.  I struggled to blog last year – I […]

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